My boss said that to me this week.

I signed my life away to one more year here today. I had to get an appraisal and get my leave approved beforehand which required a meeting with my boss. Ugh. Can I just vent before I continue on with this post!?!

Thanks.

Half the people that do contract work take lots of short vacations. The other half hordes their vacation and takes a big, disgustingly long one month trip.

Will and I are hoarders.

When I told my boss we were planning on going home this December for a month, he freaked out.

He’s one of the short vacation guys.

It went all over me. Who is he to decide how I spend my vacations!?!

He told me he’d approve it this time, but not to plan on doing that ever again.

“You either are an expat or you’re not,” he said.

I left, extremely annoyed. His words have been ringing in my ears for the last few days.

You either are an expat or you’re not.

I don’t know what I am.

My first instinct is to say no. I’m not a bonafide expat. I’m simply doing this for a little while but plan on going home and living a normal life.

However, when I think about going home and living a normal life- it terrifies me. Not funny ha ha terrifies me- guys, it really truly scares the dickens out of me.

I know you guys probably think I’m crazy to be scared of going home and having a “normal” life (what is normal anyway?). If Will knew I was writing this he would freak out. See- Will is definitely NOT an expat. No doubt about it and no waivering. He’s a down home country boy that loves good Oklahoma folk, beans and cornbread, and OU football. He is out of his element here. He longs for home and has never thought otherwise. This is truly a temporary assignment for him.

It is for me too… I think.

Will and I touched on it a couple weeks ago when we had the “vomit conversation” I mentioned in Sunday’s post. He asked me if I could do this for a long time since we were able to take month long vacations back home. I told him I had seriously thought about it.  There’s a lot more to what was said, but I’m feeling lazy today.

I think about going home for good and it makes me realize how good we have it here. We’re sort of out of touch with reality. No bills, no taxes, no paying for gas, getting to go on these awesome excursions all over the world and stay in the finest hotels. You guys are going to think I’m COMPLETELY insane, but I also feel extremely safe here. Safer than I do when I’m in America. I know you think I’m a complete lunatic, but it’s the truth (okay, okay- aside from the psycho extremist groups). When we go home that’s all over. We enter The No Fun Zone. It’s back to the reality of paying bills, punching in,being afraid of crazy weirdos, and getting 2 weeks vacation.

Then the other, more spiritual side of me thinks about how I should be storing up my treasures in heaven. That I need to “set my mind on things above and not on earthly things.” Then I think, “Okay. Why am I doing this? Why are we slaving away over here!? We need to be back home doing ministry work and living a ‘normal’ life.”

Sigh.

I know that we’re not supposed to go home yet, as of today that is, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I know we have a ministry here, but at the same time I think about how we could probably be better utilized at home…

Part of me (okay a LOT of me) wishes we could go home and live out “my master plan” which is the best of both worlds. I don’t know if it really is, but it seems to be from where I’m looking.

I feel torn and in some weird, weird way- afraid to leave this life behind one day.

As much as I whine and complain about being here, you know, aside from the heat it hasn’t been bad. It’s allowed us to do things I never thought in my entire life I would ever see or do. We lead an interesting life. Am I ready to give that up? I don’t know.

I never in my wildest dreams thought leaving this behind would ever be difficult, but I’m afraid it’s going to be harder than I think.

Saying all this makes me feel bad. I feel bad because I know Will will have no problem leaving this behind. I know how anxious he is to get out of here, move home, and go to Norman, Oklahoma every Saturday each fall. Why don’t I feel the same way?

Maybe I do… I just don’t know.

You either are an expat or you’re not…

I know we’re not making any big decisions anytime soon, yet my mind continues to wonder about what the future holds for us. During that same “vomit conversation” Will and I had, he astounded me by saying that not only wouldn’t (sorry for the double negative) he be surprised if he was called back to full time youth ministry, but that he could also see himself being a pastor one day.

letting out a huge blood curdling scream

Okay- so I’m jumping the gun 10 years and freaking out about something that isn’t coming around for a long time, but still! Can I please shove a #2 pencil in your eye?

Am I ready for that? Am I prepared to do a total 180? I’m not talking about a 180 with the way I live my life, I’m talking about a 180 with our lifestyle. Going from trips to Jordan or staying at the Burj, to being stuck in smalltown USA cleaning our clothes with a washboard in the river. Am I ready to give this up adventure? I don’t know. I can’t believe I’m freaking saying this crap!! I was always just like Will- ready to get the hell out of here. I don’t know why I’m struggling with this stuff.

I know I need to focus my mind on God’s will for our life. I have no idea why I’m stressing about a decision that doesn’t even need to be made now.

It’s because I’m crazy and in some sick way enjoy worrying about things.

I guess the combination of the vomit conversation and the expat comment really got my mind wandering and thinking about what an adjustment leaving here really will be. It’s brought to light the fact that life here is pretty okay, and I could probably do this contract thing a few more years. Maybe not in Kuwait, but somewhere else.

Want to know something funny? Someone just came in my office and said the exact same thing I just spent an hour writing. She went home for 6 months and ended up coming back because life just seemed different.

Maybe I’m not crazy afterall!

Maybe moving home really will be a dramatic adjustment for me. Maybe I’m not alone in my fears of the culture shock.

So am I an expat?

I don’t know.

I guess time will tell…