“I should probably get a hepatitis shot,” I thought to myself as I carelessly used an unlined public toilet for the fourth time yesterday.

I’m generally more careful, however it had been a long day. A really long day. I woke at 3:30 morning in order to shower, get dressed (complete with high heels), compile and condense my crap (unsuccessfully) and leave the house by 4:45.

I had checked in, gotten through security, and found my gate all before 5:30. I was in the air by 6:00.

I consider that a fairly busy morning. And early. A really early morning too. But who cared- it was a day trip. No big deal.

We had a fairly slow paced morning with a jam packed afternoon. We arrived, enjoyed a cup of coffee to awaken our tired brains, and prepared for the day ahead.

The coffee worked- but only for so long.

At least it was just a day trip.

By the time my meeting started (at 2:00 that afternoon), I was sleepy. Not only that- but seriously, what was I thinking with wearing these high heels!? Thank God it was just a day trip- and almost over.

The meeting went well and was valuable- but by the time it was over I was ready to drive like Mark Martin all the way to the airport to be home to see Will-

And sleep-

And most of all, get out of these freaking heels.

We arrived at the airport, got through security- you know the normal stuff.

We found our gate and also found a mob crowded around the little check-in counter.

“Hmm- this doesn’t look normal…” I thought to myself.

Perhaps I had finally tempted fate long enough had actually contracted some strange hallucinatory disease from all my careless bathroom use during the day- and this was all just a mirage.

It wasn’t.

Damn.

You know- because the reality of a mob is so much worse than a communicable disease.

It appeared storms in Dallas had caused several delays and even cancelations. As we looked on the screen we noticed our flight to Dallas had been delayed two hours. Instead of our lovely 6:30 we were now pushed back past 8:30.

At this point you try to settle in and began the lion-like hunt for an available outlet for your laptop.

Think National Geographic channel- cheetahs chasing the little gazelles.

Thankfully this cheetah was quick enough to secure an outlet to check much needed email. Hunger inevitably kicked in, and I gave up my post to eat. When I had finished, my flight had been delayed almost another hour. With each delay a call was made to Will- who was going to pick me up and take me home.

Home to my own bed.

And no high heels.

Did I mention I had been in them for 15 hours in heels at that point?

Heels and an extra huge purse.

Heels and an extra huge purse and an extra huge laptop bag.

After all- IT WAS JUST A FREAKING DAY TRIP.

Finally- 9:15. Everything looked good. Our flight from Dallas to Oklahoma was going to be tight, but we had about 15 minutes to get off and run to our gate before the plane left. We felt confident we could do it- with my heels in my hand, of course.

We arrived in Dallas right on time- 15 minutes to spare.

Thankfully.

“Okay- so it’s no big deal. I’m only a few hours behind schedule. Willy will be waiting for me at 11:30 and we’ll go home and I’ll sleep in an extra hour- rest my feet- and go to work. This will be fine.”

Only we sat on the plane. And sat. And sat a little longer.

Just when I got to the point in which my left eye began to twitch uncontrollably, the captain informed us there was no gate ready for us and we were going to have to wait a little while.

…

So I sent a text to my colleague who had made the earlier Dallas flight and was already in the airport waiting for the Oklahoma flight. I wanted to see if she thought we would be able to make it, or if it was simply too late.

“You’ll make it,” she said.

Thankfully.

I figured with all the delays it would be okay.

“Just a little longer, Britt, and you’ll be out of your heels and in bed, fighting with the dogs for space.”

We finally got to the gate- I began getting into sprint mode. We got to the gate and waited. And waited. And waited.

My eye began to twitch again.

The captain informed us that although we were at our gate we had to wait on an attendant to open the doors-

Or some crap like that.

I didn’t care. It meant that the chances of my cramped calves getting out of these heels and into my own bed were getting slimmer each second that ticked away on that plane.

It meant I was going to spend the night either driving all the way home to Oklahoma or in some skuzzy hotel.

It meant this was no longer just a day trip.

I could only hope something was delaying the plane to Oklahoma so that we could make it in time.

But that would be normal and predictable- and why in the world would I want that, right?

So of course I missed my flight.

By the time we got off the plane we were met by another mob.

Another mob that had missed their flights too.

And must have been wearing heels for 15 hours too, because they were super grumpy.

I mean, sure I was tired, my back was seriously aching from all the stupid weight I had towed with me. My calves? Pretty much numb at that point. My feet were permanently shaped in triangles to mold to my stupid pointy heels.

Yet somehow I wasn’t in an awful mood.

Okay- I was.

I think I said “What the hell” or something like that- but I didn’t get too mad. I don’t think I even cussed- which I consider a success in this circumstance.

I know-I’m such a classy lady.

So we stood in line with the mob to see what to do next. The airline put us up in a hotel because of the delay.

So much for my little easy day trip.

“At least we get another day of per diem!” my colleague said enthusiastically.

“Really? ’At least we get another day of per diem!’” I said mockingly to myself. “HOW LOVELY! Because I’m SO excited about $30 when I’m going to need $30,000 to buy prosthetic calves after wearing these heels all day!”

Men seriously have no concept of what it’s like being a woman.

Seriously.

Anyway, we loaded up and began the trip to our hotel.

The whole way there I began to watch myself begin to panic internally.

It finally hit me.

I’m.spending.the.night.

In these clothes I’ve worn since like 4:00 this morning.

I had no toothbrush.

No mascara.

Gasp! No deodorant!

And let’s face it- I’m a sweater.

Please- please just swallow me into the ground now.

There’s something interesting that seems to happen to you once you realize that your simple little day trip is going to turn into an overnight stay. A stay in which you’ve carelessly not planned for.

(um-sidebar! Okay so I’ve flown a million times and have never ever experienced any issues. So why, WHY would a simple day trip cause me problems, I thought to myself, right!?)

Your whole mind begins to turn to mush.

Your frame of reference becomes totally distorted and you have no good solid compass between what’s socially acceptable and entirely ridiculous.

“Okay- so do I take off my make up, or leave it on?

What am I going to do about not having deodorant? This is going to be bad on so many levels.

Do I stay in my undies? Try to wash them? Go commando?

Do I saturate my shirt in perfume to freshen it up?”

Suddenly these really easy everyday hygiene decisions become little crises.

What do I do!? What is the proper etiquette? This shouldn’t be that hard. Why is this so hard!?

The truth is that it’s hard because you’re only planning for a day trip!

Why wasn’t I prepared? Sigh…

So we got to the hotel late. I have no idea when, but I know it was after 11:00 and I could barely walk. I got my room key, tried to do a little work- which turned out to be fruitless because I was totally spent-and went to bed.

I got up at 5:30 this morning, got fully dressed in my work attire (except for the shoes. I went barefoot and hoped for the best) and went down to the lobby to try to pillage for at the very least toothpaste.

Turns out a lot of idiots are like me and don’t plan ahead. I scored toothpaste, a toothbrush, and- and- deodorant!

Men’s deodorant.

Men’s deodorant without antiperspirant.

But hey- who cares- it’s better than nothing, right?

I opted to shower and wash my face. I took my make up off but I didn’t remove my mascara.

I got ready.

I looked like death.

I had lipstick.

I remember a friend saying that all you really needed on an extremely ugly and off day was lipstick. That would make it all better.

She is full of crap.

I had a greasy complimentary breakfast and was finally, finally on my way home.

I arrived home this morning at about 10:30. I went home, freshened up a little, changed clothes, PUT ON FLATS, and went to work.

I was swamped, but hey- the problems I faced at work today seemed like a piece of cake compared to the whole dilemma of proper 2nd day undie etiquette.

It feels incredible to be at home. I’m so ready to slip into my own sheets tonight.

I no longer believe in day trips, will always be prepared, and am officially retired from business travel. At least for a while anyway.

<3