Dear P,

I know when you went to straighten your hair this morning you realized, “Hmm, this probably won’t work because the cord has been chewed in half by Brittny’s two little demonic furry balls of fury- little CUTE and CUDDLY demonic fury balls of fury.”

Yeah I bet you said cute and cuddly, right? Only I bet you inserted a lot of naughty words in the middle too.

Like the F-bomb, and the S-word, and all sorts of funny variations like “F-ing hell” and “bloody little S-words.” Ha, I bet you called Lucy the B-word big time.

Well, before you grab a sharp Number 2 pencil and pierce poor Boz’s hiney, let me assure you that I have already taken care of the problem.

Upon realizing the havoc they wreaked on your straightner, Boz and Lucy were promptly spat upon, insulted, hanged upside down, and sent to a remote forrest in the Phillipines, where all naughty cord-eating dogs live in exile.

The dogs you see right now are not Boz and Lucy but in fact Roz and Suzy, their understudies. Their stunt doubles, if you will. They are much cuter and better behaved than Boz and Lucy, as I’m sure you’ve already seen for yourself.

I truly apologize for the inconvenience Boz and Lucy have caused you and your hair. Thank God you had a back-up Chi to use. However, I understand after having a Ceramic Tech a Chi is no comparison. Fret not, I will be replacing the Tech with a shiny new one. Now that I don’t have to pay for dog food I can better utilize my money.

Although, are Boz and Lucy the only ones to blame here?

I say those crazy Brits are to blame too. They should have made their cords better and stronger. I mean, who doesn’t get tempted to chew on an electrical cord every now and then? Geez. Boz and Lucy were simply pointing out the fact that these straightener cords are just not up to the challenge of dog chewing. Perhaps they were doing you a favor? I mean, think about if YOU were the one gnawing on that cord, right? They took one for the team.

So in closing, I apologize for the inconvenience. I promise to replace your straightener, as well as keep Boz and Lucy in their Filipino confinement until further notice.

I love you and thank you for being so cool about everything.

Your Sister,

Britter