1. I bought a shirt the other day from The Gap that Will doesn’t know about. In fact- it was only $5 but I still gave it to Rachel to hold until our next gym date. I’m a dork and have no idea why I did that. Perhaps because we’re going through Dave Ramsey’s course and I felt a little guilty? (yes- a freaking $5 shirt. What a crazy.) Anyway- I figured it was a good confession to share.

2. I saw someone I work out at the same gym with at Walmart this afternoon. I secretly LOVE that I ran into someone that works out at the same place I do- especially when I’m having a good hair day and look put together. I.look.beyond.awful. when I go to the gym, so I always feel Ace when I run into someone who has seen me sweating all over myself (you know- sweat dripping from every nook and cranny, red puffy face, veins popping...)- and then sees me “normal.” Trust me guys- I’m a scary sight on gym mornings.

3. I ate fried alligator today. Really- I did.

4. I did end up bringing a bottle of “water” with me to the wedding weekend extravaganza. It turned out to be a good decision.

5. I found out this afternoon that someone I work with was a stripper to pay his way through college. This in and of it self is sort of hilarious- to find out someone you have a professional relationship with used to wear textured and colored thongs and probably had some sort of signature “move."However, what makes it even more hilarious is how totally out of character it is for this person- a very cerebral, brainiac. Not the stripper type at all. Anyway- my confession is that everytime I saw him this afternoon I couldn’t stop laughing. I literally had to excuse myself from an office he was in today because I thought I might snort trying to keep myself from laughing. Good times.

Anything you need to share?

I wish I could tell you I’ve been busy this week baking homemade brownies and learning how to cross stitch and therefore have been unable to post - but the truth is that I haven’t been doing any of those things.

But for fun can I just just tell you that’s what I’ve been doing? That way we’re both happy and feel good?

Lets!

Okay- so the reason why I haven’t posted in the last few days is because I’ve been very busy making brownies from scratch as well as cross stitching something very important.

I have no idea what one cross stitches, therefore I am unable to disclose what this important item is.

But seriously- I’m cross stitching.

I’m not lying.

In fact- I’m stitching right now, while I type.

Okay… I may be lying.

I will tell you I’m sitting here eating plain chocolate chips.

That, my friend, is no lie- though I wish it were.

Like the rest of you I’m thrilled tomorrow marks the end of another work week. To celebrate the weekend Will and I are going to go to eat a cheap dinner at the mall food court followed by a movie! You pretty much can’t beat cheap fatty fast food followed by 3 hours of sitting sedentary in a germy movie theatre seat, right?

Sigh…

I swear- if I didn’t love to eat as much as I do I would look like Jillian Michaels.

Ha- I guess we all would.

The first step to looking like Jillian would probably be rolling up this stupid chocolate chip bag and putting it in the cabinet.

Better yet- putting it in the trash.

But we wouldn’t want to waste them right?

We’ll go ahead and put them in the cabinet.

As you can see from my ramblings, you haven’t missed too much in my life. This week is one I kind of want to forget, so I’m really ready to begin the weekend and my date night with Will.

Ha- okay so Will just came out of our bathroom and saw me sitting on our bed with my computer and a bag of chocolate chips and just looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Okay… so you’re eating a bag of chocolate chips?”

I told him no. Do you think he believes me?

Um, my bet says no.

Alright- enough rambling for today. Happy Friday!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted my latest weight training workout.

Mainly because despite the fact that I’ve been going to the gym, I’m feeling rather pudgy- largely due to all the crap I eat. Like if I tell you how hard I’ve been working out I also have to confess that I literally ate KFC for dinner yesterday and pizza for lunch today- and had a giant piece of cheesecake this afternoon.

Oh- and I’m not lying about that.

Um- yeaaah it just doesn’t seem right.

Anyway- despite my awful eating habits, I’ve still been consistent with the gym. So- without further awful greasy fatty food excuses- here’s what I’ve been doing since the beginning of April.

For the sake of time I’ve decided to split my workout into halves. I do my lower body one day and my upper another. I know a lot of people have “push” days and “pull” days, or do a variety of different body workouts, but my whole school of thought for this workout was to keep it simple. I have my next workout planned (which I’ll start at the beginning of July) and after that I may try the whole push-pull thing, but we shall see. I’ve never done more than 2 sets when working out. The thought of doing more freaked me out, but for variety and to change up my workout I’ve upped the sets for this particular workout.

Here is my leg workout:

- 1 set of raised “stationary” lunges (15 in a set)
I call them stationary lunges because I utilize the stair step (the actual step you would do aerobics with- but take off the extra panels that make them higher) and place one leg on that doing lunges one leg at a time on the step. I don’t feel like walking around doing lunges in my small gym, so this works. I use 15 pounds- mainly because I’m a wimp. I think next week I might do a couple sets of 15 and a couple of 20 pounds.

Followed by a set on the ab machine.

Followed by a set on the leg extension machine (10-12 in a set)

Followed by the abs again.

Followed by a set of leg curls (the machine- 10-12 in a set)

I do 4 total sets of the above. The lunges pretty much suck.

I then do a set on hip abductor.

I do abs again, but I use a different piece of equipment. I’ll use the chair or will do a plank… I just change it up.

Followed by a set on the inner thigh machine.

I do two sets of these (the hip and thigh machines), and then I use the cable machine to do 2 sets of side raises and inner thigh raises- with a set of abs in between.

I do two and sometimes three sets of calf raises. One set each of the following:

“normal” calf raises (what you probably think of when you do a calf raise)
calf raises with my toes pointed inward
calf raiseswith my toes pointed outward

Finished off with abs

Finally, if I have time, I do two sets of squats using the cable machine.

And then I go home and contemplate eating a Krispe Kreme (don’t worry, I don’t… usually).

Wow- I’m feeling tired already. Perhaps I will share my upper body workout tomorrow?

Time for bed. yay for Friday!

Me: It’s so humid today and I’m at the gym and it’s so busy and I’m sweating uncontrollably! I’m pouring! I’m so embarrassed.

P: Brittny, do you want to make me angry? 1. You went to the gym. 2. It’s humid which gives the effect of a sauna. So it’s like you worked out double. So jealous!

Yes.

I realize that it’s Thursday night and I have not posted since Monday.

It’s not like I have weirdies (and before we go any farther- yes. I also realize that “weirdies” isn’t technically a word, however it is most definitely a commonly used word in my B-Love dictionary) stalking my blog hourly or anything, but I do feel like I should call out and apologize for the fact that it’s been a few days since I’ve last posted.

I have no idea why.

Do you ever just feel tired of technology?

That’s sort of how I was feeling this week.

I mean we’re SURROUNDED by technology everywhere we turn. Ha- I even make my living off the stuff.

The truth is that the thought of taking time to peruse the Internet after work this week made me groan. I just felt like turning off my phone, ignoring the computer, and being a technology hermit this week.

Many of you will gasp at the fact that I haven’t checked my facebook in over a week.

Heresy I know!

I’ve just felt sort of “blah” and didn’t have any desire to log on here and yammer about nothingness.

...

Which I realize I’m doing this.very.second.

Anyway, I think getting off the computer and phone and (gasp) the TV is a good idea every now and then. I mean, there is this thing called “outside” and it should be enjoyed from time to time. No wonder we are the way we are (lethargic, overweight...)- we’ve forgotten that it used to be very normal to go outside and do things!

I know what you’re thinking-

who in the world do I think that I am talking all this crazy stuff about getting off the computer and possibly even the TV to enjoy life and breath fresh air.

I know!

I’m out of my mind!

I have no idea what’s come over me, but I think it’s not all bad.

So, sorry for the few day hiatus, don’t worry- I’m not taking a blogging break. I’m just going to try to enjoy life outside of the box I’m staring out right now and realize there’s life outside of the internet.

So you guys go and do the same!!

Dr. Vet’s wedding shower is Saturday. I have this super long story to share with you guys about the whole matter.

In short- there’s more to come.

<3

The famous Gym Nazi bruise is posted to the right.

Disgusting.

I don’t know what’s more disgusting- the bruise itself or the fact that I actually decided to share it with you guys.

Probably both.

I almost embedded it within this post, but I have to draw the line somewhere, right?

Happy Easter <3

I really want to sit down and tell you guys about the slave driver of a gym Nazi I worked out with Sunday.

She kicked my…

well…

you know.

“How in the HELL did I get this GIANT purple and red bruise on my inner thigh!?”

I have no clue.

Oh- that’s right-

It was probably when she stepped on my leg and told me I sucked and “You CAN do 40 more lunges or I’ll cut you!”

Yeah…

I think it was that.

Anyway- I want to tell you about the Gym Nazi but I can’t.

Apparently marriage is about sharing everything.

The last Little Debbie Nutty Bar,

the living room TV,

the last Little Debbie Nutty Bar (crap. I already said that one...).

Well apparently now I also have to share our computer from 9-10 pm.

That’s right- Willy Boy is cutting into my blogging time. My gym Nazi storytelling time. My unwinding time.

Long story short- we’re having DVR issues (gasp!) so we can’t tape and instead have to watch a show on fox.com tonight “that simply can’t wait until tomorrow.”

Doesn’t he understand my need to blog?

A GIANT PURPLEY-RED BRUISE.

ON MY INNER THIGH.

The people need to know!

THIS GIRL IS A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT.

Sigh… he just doesn’t get it.

So- I’m off to share now- although I really don’t recall this computer crap being anywhere in our vows.

Here’s to healing- and a mediocre, not so great workout tomorrow.

<3

The following is an “everyday,” typical email exchange with my sister. My emails are in bold, hers are regular.I realize the fat talk gets old after a while, but I promise we switch topics from Panamanian prisons, to calculating tips, to even our own reality show during this conversation- so hang with me.These took place on two different days, but they flowed so well I lumped them together. Let the madness begin...

I just ate a whole pint of chocolate ice cream.

And it wasn’t even GOOD ice cream.

I think that that calls for me to use the elliptical tomorrow for the first time since last summer. I feel like I should celebrate this red-faced, sweaty momentous occasion with a donut or something.

**

Ha ha. I just had a large Java Chiller from Sonic- which is basically a whole pint of chocolate ice cream with a hint of coffee. I didn’t go to the gym at all this weekend and I had olive garden WITH dessert yesterday.

Fat.

**

Ughhh I KNOW. And- ugh i just don’t want to go back to school. I say we quit talking crap and book the tickets.

PS- I hope your Olive Garden dessert was good.

**

It was. Black tie. Yum. Plus I had fettuccine (um how in the world do people expect you to know how to spell that!?) which- well- you know how amazing that is.

We’ll sort all the logistics out when we get there. Although “fat,” I’m sure some Panamanian would love to give us a job at Panama Jacks waitressing. The only trouble is that I would suck at getting proper change and would most likely get us fired in a hurry.

**

Ha, that’s SO TRUE. Somehow the tip would be like “10% of 100” or something. Then we would get charged with embezzlement for taking an extra 80 dollars. Then wind up in Panamanian prison. Which wouldn’t be all bad, considering we could be the Scolfield’s. I definitely get Lincoln.

I’m sorry I can’t type properly, my fingers are so huge, swollen, and fat from the dairy I just consumed.

A flower shop would be nice! We could go the simple route an own a cafe, and employ Panamaniann business students (who know how to calculate tips so we wouldn’t be
getting screwed).

Are you at work?

**

We are so resourceful- your plan is brilliant! Actually- I used to think we sucked at being resourceful but then we went on the cruise and functioned totally fine in like 19 cities. I know for sure we’ll kick butt on amazing race one day.

I’m having 2 PB sandwiches for lunch. Why do I feel nostalgic all of a sudden? Like I need a blue mat to nap on and a carton of milk??

**

My favorite food ever. I decided a while back that if I was living on a deserted island alone for the rest of my life, peanut butter and/or reeses would DEFINITELY be my food of choice. Seeing as I wouldn’t have to worry about all the saturated fat I was consuming since I would never see anyone ever again, it works. What about you?

**

That is hilarious- and a very valid point. I think I would go with that too, or perhaps pasta. I could eat loads and loads and if I was able to take different sauces too (which is something I assume you have to negotiate in when preparing to go to a deserted island forever...) I’d be set for life.

And happy.

When do you leave for Kuwait?

**

I leave on your anniversary. Thank the Lord. Its been 3 weeks since I was there last and I feel like it’s been too long. How could anyone possibly think I like it here? AHHHH I need to start this Panamanian flower shop business ASAP.

**

We ought to make a countdown to the semester’s end and you move back. Seriously. What’s you’re last day of school? How fun would that be!? I could make the first half and you could make the 2nd half. We wouldn’t have to make it a chain or anything, but just something you could pull off and throw away.

The chain reminds me of the one in Mareena Towers. As crazy as it sounds, when I look back that summer was pretty fun

(Just FYI- if you’re curious you can read about this time during the summer of 2005 archives)

**
Oh my gosh me too. It was the weirdest time of my life, such a crazy transition period. I have a playlist for that summer titled “MIA” for 2 reasons: 1) we never left that apartment 2) M.I.A’s “bucky done gun” was a very integral part of that summer hahaha. But yeah, it’s so so bittersweet to think about that. It’s the last time we’ll have ever lived together under one roof.

**

I think we should SERIOUSLY send these back and forth emails to someone, plus our goofy videos and make them make us famous. We should have a reality show about creating our Panamanian flower shop. ha ha. How great would that be? Plus highly entertaining. Seriously- I’m in need of that. People are so fickle. Family is forever..

**

OMG YES, a reality show about the making of our new life. Do you know how well that would work? We could start this season while we’re still apart, so it would mainly focus on the emails. And then we could start season 2 when we’re in the same country and ahhhhhhh tiny orgasm, I think viewers would LOVE US. You live in America, the land of endless possibilities- make it happen!

**

sidenote- her email above makes me laugh every singly time. Tiny orgasm HAHAHAHA...

Seriously- I’m literally laughing out loud right now. It’s a little embarrassing and I’m glad everyone is gone to lunch.

**

Sorry to disregard your last email, but I blame you for the fact that I just consumed 7 servings of peanut butter with honey since you reminded me of peanut butter, which then reminded me that I still had some in my cupboard, and BOOO, NO ALLI.

Haha anyways, seriously? Will you PLEASE look into a director? Because even if we get one season and they hate us, we’ll still get a book deal (uh, you can write it) and then a few endorsements. OH! MAYBE WE CAN BE THE NEW FACE OF ALLI. I love it.

**

Very good and valid points. Okay so I assume you’re about to go to bed. Oh- and want to know something funny? I had no idea that we sprang (sprung HAHA springed? I have no idea...) forward this weekend. dad had to tell me. Too funny. Anyway- that means we’ll be an hour closer now so that’s really great!

Alright, I’m off to file some stuff. I’ll be in constant contact with you tomorrow. Have a good night and talk to you tomorrow!

**

Wait, ugh, I have no idea how many hours apart we’ve been this whole time. I usually just say 8, wherever I am in the world. “Oh you’re in Kenya, great, only 8 hours away!” “You’re in St.Petersburg, brilliant,. 12 your time, 8 my time” ……I never usually think there’s any other time in between. Please tell me we’ve always been 8 hours apart since I moved.

**

Just so you know- I’m lying when I tell you this- yes, we are 8 hours apart. I’m such a good sister, right?

<3

I know what you’re thinking.

I have a problem.

A drug problem.

That there is no such thing as “recreational” drug use.

That after one hit of Alli there is no going back.

You feel the high of controlling your fat intake because you’re terrified of crapping yourself,

the rush of oily farts as you think to yourself, “ Ohhh yeeahh, I am so addicted to this stuff. I <3 greasy gas."

You're right- that's exactly how it happened. Exactly how I became addicted.

It was that glamorous.

Okay not really-

after the first time I ate an order of mozzarella sticks, four cheese tortellini, half a loaf of bread, and a giant chunk of cheesecake I thought to myself, "I'll just take this one time."

One try won't hurt, right?

Before I knew it I was up to a three pill a day habit, figuring out when I was going to get my next fix. What I was going to eat- how much fat was involved....

trying to explain to Will how the hell the toilet was stained OSU orange…

before I knew it I was out of control!

P and I split a bottle- driving to every single Walgreens and CVS pharmacy trying to get our next fix- only we couldn't find any.

We began shaking and experiencing uncontrollable sweating and hallucinating- we were so addicted that we even drove to another city to secure another bottle of these little fat loss miracles.

As we split a "starter pack," ensuring we threw away the evidence in a dumpster three blocks away I felt a sense of peace. The shakes and scary flying goblins left my mind and I felt like myself again.

It was at this point- after driving to another city- that I realized I had a problem and I needed help.

Or maybe it was when P and I began to run low on our stash and actually contemplated cutting the pills open and using a credit card to separate the pills to get two hits out of one.

It could have also been at the point in which P and I turned the noun Alli into a verb- "Are you going to Alli after you eat that cheese pizza?"

"Are you going to Alli after scarfing down those three donuts?"

"We should probably Alli if we're going to eat these giant hamburgers at 1 AM."

Yeah, that might have been my low point.

My name is Brittny and I have an Alli-ing problem.

Not to be confused with the Alli side effects:

(sidenote: um- that’s pretty much freaking hilarious)

Yeah- it was at that point in which I decided I needed to get a hold of myself. Eating an occasional cheeseburger was far more desireable than crapping one’s self. Right?

I thought so too.

So, I got a hold of myself and became a “recreational” Alli user. It’s a lot easier to control- I’ll tell you that much! (ha ha!)

So there you have it- my drug problem and how I became a “recreational” user.

Anything weighing you down (if so- maybe you should “Alli")? Go ahead and share!

I seriously need to go to the gym.

And clean our bathrooms.

Did I tell you guys I have a strict cleaning regimine?

I think I did.

Why do I feel as though I need to tell you again?

Oh-

probably because I’m totally procrastinating.

Big time.

I believe that’s why.

But for the sake of needing to post, how about we just pretend it’s because, “The Public Needs to Know.”

Good idea?

I think so.

Moving on-

Okay- so I clean a different room in my house every week day.

And for some really ridiculous and nerdy reason, I oftentimes (Hmm- is “oftentimes” a word? I don’t think so. I should most definitely use spell check to verify. But that would mean I was being proactive and not procrastinating- which we’ve already established I’m doing… let’s just roll with it being one word, okay?) try to clean the bathrooms on Sunday in order to have “a day off” during another part of the week. What a nerd. I know.

So in all truthfulness, today isn’t even an actual “scheduled cleaning day” for me, yet I’m avoiding it like the plauge.

Because I’m officially crazy.

And no other reason.

The gym?

Yeah- I have no excuse for that. I just don’t want to go- plain and simple.

So instead I sit on the couch lamenting about how I need to do these two things and not actually doing them.

Because apparently I want to balloon into a million pounds and appear on Dr. Phil for having one of the most hazardous houses in America.

That’s the only thing I can think of as to why in the world I’m not getting off the freaking couch and doing something productive.

And can I share something- between the two of us, of course?- sometimes Dr. Phil seriously annoys me.

I mean yeah sure, he’s Dr. Phil and great and wonderful and helpful-

but sometimes he really annoys me.

I won’t get into it- but seriously? Yeah…

Anyway,

I’m sitting here wasting valuable time that I could be cleaning doing absolutely nothing. I already know I’m going to do these things- I know it- it’s just a matter of seriously dragging my feet.

And having absolutely no desire to do any of the above mentioned items.

Oh- and I would apologize for starting virtually every sentence with “and” (because I think my former English teachers would most defintiely be shoving a #2 pencil in their right eye)- but again, I’m procrastinating and obviously showing my crazy wreckless abandonment for the important things in life.

Or something like that…

So I guess I will stop wasting the afternoon and get started.

I seriously miss Ranjii (my maid in Kuwait).You have no idea.

Sigh…

Enjoy the last of the weekend! I know I am (ha ha).