Actually said to me today, “I can’t wait for you to get fat!”

Girls are so nice, right?

In follow up to my last post- do you realize it would be healthier (um and I use that term very, very loosely) for me to go to the fridge, pull out two sticks of butter, and proceed to eat them like a Popsicle? At least I wouldn’t have to consider the ENTIRE box of powdered sugar or the whole box of cake mix AKA the “crust.”

Because eating straight butter would be healthier. It would. (again- using that word liberally) This gooey butter cake could be the death of me. Normal people would throw it away. I however like to keep it around like that lousy ex boyfriend. You know he is no good for you but you just can’t help but keep him around because you like the abuse. Plus he smells nice.

The gooey pumpkin butter cake is like that.

Maybe worse. But it was made by Paula Deen and I’m pretty sure she’s the sweetest lady around. So the butter powdered sugar concoction can’t be ALL bad right?

Dont answer. I have no intention of listening anyway. I just found it funny that eating straight butter (which I don’t even really like by the way) would be “better.” nice.

That is all, carry on.

Oh- and I posted this from my phone. The formatting is crappy, yes? 

Food morning.

Yes.

You read that right.

FOOD morning.

In a letter to our customer, the Government.

Nice.

I’m pretty sure I’ve sealed my fatness for life.

In fact, you’ll probably find me in the broom closet later this afternoon with a giant spoon and a tub of vanilla frosting.

Aw hell, screw the spoon- people like us don’t use spoons.

Food morning.

I did an immediate recall.

But it didn’t work.

I’d like to blame it on the fact that the “f” and the “g” are right next to each other, but the sad truth is that it’s likely my deep subconscious acting out.

Geez… well at this rate all I can hope for is a Food afternoon.

After almost six and a half years of marriage you would think I would know by now not to ask my husband the loaded question- “Does this make me look fat?”

I mean- we all know how ridiculous it sounds coming out of our mouths, and we know how our husbands shudder the second they hear, “Does this (insert clothing item here -> X <- dress, blouse, skirt, bikini, stirrup pant) make me look...”

we don’t even have to finish the sentence. They know exactly how it’s going to end the second we start in.

At this point they mentally go into the fetal position.

Yet for some reason we feel compelled to ask anyway. It’s almost as though we anticipate a brutally honest answer- which is what our head totally wants, but let’s face it- our hearts and our saggy butts really want a different answer.

What makes me laugh the most is that Will has the same answer all the time. Again, you’d think by now I’d know not to ask- yet I do. Because that’s what women do. We silently torment our husbands with unnecessary questions we already know the answers to.

I mean, let’s be honest here- if we have to ask the question? You shouldn’t be wearing it. I think that’s a good rule of thumb.

Let’s agree on that.

Sorry- we were talking about Will’s habitually exact, right on par, answer, weren’t we?

Anyway, anytime I ask Will if something looks okay or fits alright or makes me look fat Will always answers safely.

“Haven’t you been losing weight?”

As if to say, “You’ve been losing weight, so of course it fits, right?”

Verbatim, word for word, that’s what the guy says. Such a people pleasing politician.

Then he always talks about how much I work out. As if to say that I could eat 4 deep dish pizzas and work out for 10 minutes and be able to easily hop right into a pair of skinny jeans.

What a funny guy.

Apparently Will “believes” that I’ve been consistently losing weight since the day we got married. In fact, at this rate I should be able to start shopping at Gap Kids this November.

And what makes me laugh just as much is that he thinks I really think he thinks that I’ve been losing all of this weight for the last 6 years (wow- there was a lot of thinking going on in that last sentence! I’m tired).

So after he gives me the, “Haven’t you been losing weight? So it should fit- right?” statement I laugh to myself and agree with him. I could have buttons busting left and right but I would still agree with him, just because he’s so funny, and really thinks he’s mastered the right way to answer.

Every now and then I’ll throw him for a loop and go into how I weigh more now than I did when we got married, but now I have a lot more muscle, and how I’m not necessarily losing weight but I’m toning up, etc.

And it really throws him off. As if I’ve totally shaken his steadfast, firm- AND RIGHT (ha ha)- answer. So I try not to incite panic in the poor guy.

It’s bad enough that I ask him, and then I have to challenge the fact that he’s saying I’m losing weight? “What more do you want from me, woman!?” is what I see when I go into my tirade.

And the truth is, nothing. Again, if I have to ask I shouldn’t wear it. I don’t know why I even bother asking.

Because I’m a woman. There’s really no other good answer.

Here’s to pants that fit well!

So I got my bridesmaid’s dress fitted for this gal’s wedding (so excited by the way!) and went to pick it up today. It fits like a glove.

Almost.

Almost as in it fits so great and snug and secure that I know after 10 minutes of having it on- or eating- I will be turning blue from the lack of oxygen to my brain.

Okay I’m exaggerating. Plus now I have Theresa in a panic that my dress is too tight (don’t worry, it’s not. It’s blog exaggeration). Plus- that’s what they make Spanx for, right? I will say, however, Theresa- I vow to try my hardest to get rid of some arm fat to ensure that my bouquet is held nicely and that there is no bulge in any of your pictures.

And I will try to forego seconds on desserts.

Every other time.

<3

So you guys have heard me talk TONS about food lately. You probably think I’m confined to my bed all day and can barely breathe let alone turn myself on my side without a harness and firefighter assistance.

I swear, despite me love for food, that is not the truth. I can still move without a crane. Promise.

To prove it you I figured I’d post my current weight lifting program. You should try it. This will be my third week and I’m loving it lots right now. I’ve got two upper body and two lower body days- with different exercises on each day. I don’t do upper and lower on the same day, I split it into four different days if I can. I also do a set of abs in between each set of exercises, so you’ll be constantly moving during the entire workout which means more calories burned (ie: more fried snickers you can consume. ha ha. Just kidding… sort of)!

For weeks 1-4 I’m doing three sets of between 8-12 reps. This range helps with endurance.

Weeks 5-8 will be three sets of 6-8 reps. This range is for hypertrophy.

Weeks 9-12 will be three sets of 1-5 reps. This range is for strength.

Day One Upper:
Bench Press
Bent Over Barbell Row
Shoulder Press
Skull Crushers
Barbell Curl

Day Two Upper:
Dips (using the chin dip machine)
Pull-ups (I wish I was amazing enough not to need assistance with these, but I use the chin dip machine)
Lateral Raises
Tricep Pushdowns (using the cable machine)
Cable Curls

Day One Lower
Squats
Stiff Legged Deadlift (AMAZING. You MUST be doing these.)
Leg Extension (machine)
Leg Curls (machine)
Calf Raises

Day Two Lower
Step Ups- Grab some weights and step up onto a bench and down. I know it sounds stupid and easy, but it’s a good leg workout
Leg Press
Dumbbell Lunges
Calf Raises
Hyperextension

So I promise that I’m still working out despite my lust for fried snickers. Just reading this program makes me break into a sweat.

More to come!

So there’s like a slew of things-

very important things I might add-

that we need to discuss.

Only

I’m lying and there’s really not much worth sharing.

Actually…

I could share some pretty freaking HILARIOUS text messages back and forth between myself and sister involving all sorts of random topics.

But for the sake of sparing our pride it’s best I do not share.

Then there’s the fact that we have a mouse in our garage that we’ve been trying to catch for um

like two weeks now

but that sneaky bastard keeps outsmarting us.

It’s a genius mouse.

A genius mouse!

Like the freaking Einstein Bill Gates Macgyver of all mice.

I hate that guy!

So we’ve tried everything

and yet he’s somehow managed to escape from everything we’ve planted.

Except…

this week he was no where to be found,

and the cheese we left out remained untouched.

Which freaks me the crap out because:

A. It’s inevitable some awful smell is going to start permeating the garage because by some freak chance we actually managed to kill the guy with who knows what.(And don’t you love how I just assume it’s a guy? I mean we all know it has to be! He eats and leaves without cleaning up after himself! Enough said.)

B. There’s a bigger more skilled Einstein Bill Gates Macgyver of all mice that ate the late Einstein Bill Gates Macgyver of all mice and is now going to way, way, way outsmart us.

Like we’re going to walk out to our cars one day and he’s going to be smoking a pipe reading a Sherlock Holmes novel and asking for me to bring him his slippers.

Nice.

Anyway, it’s been eerily quiet this week and I’m not sure I like that. I mean, unless of course he is in fact dead and there’s no second mouse lurking around the corner.

Then we’re good.

Then of course there’s the fact that it’s GAME DAY.

Okay

Like in one hour it’s GAME DAY.

Yes.

I still say it with excitement in my voice. Who cares if we blow this year (okay I’m totally lying. I most definitely care if we blow this year… this is simply a psychological tactic to prepare myself for any potential future disappointment), I’m excited about game day.

I’m also excited about Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl.

We’ll be indulging after the game tomorrow. Hello fatness! Who am I kidding? I’ll get one bowl and be done (um… I hope anyway), but it’s still more economical to do it that way.

Sure Brittny… keep telling yourself that’s why you need pasta soaked in alfredo sauce.

Ramble Ramble…

I guess I need to get off so I make sure I’m up early enough to work off a small fraction of my lunch at the gym tomorrow morning. Hope you guys had a great Friday!

Someone from work got me a subscription to Women’s Health- which I think is very thoughtful.

I guess now that means I have to stop stealing their Men’s Health magazines.

Do you think they were trying to tell me something? 

I ran 2.25 miles without stopping today- and then ran another .25 after a quick .50 mile speed walk.

I need to be able to run 3 by the end of next month.

I think I need to lay off the Taco Bueno, but who are we kidding- that’s not going to happen.

Instead I’ll just continue to gasp for air each time I reach 2.25 and force myself to run a little longer until I get to 3 miles.

Give up Taco Bueno. Ha. 

1. I went to DC on Wednesday- for just one night- and have yet to unpack my bag a whole week later.

2. I made brownies last weekend just for the heck of it. I got the amazing and trashy ones and even slathered them in chocolate frosting. Hello fatness!

I made them Friday night and they were gone Sunday night.

Two days.

Two people.

You do the math.

I feel my teeth rotting and my butt growing just confessing that.

3. I’ve eaten more of Will’s birthday cake than he knows, but since I serve it to him he has no idea. Shhh! Geez I’m so fat.

4.(Ha! After sharing all my food fatness confessions) I think I’m going to run a 5k this October. I really want to do it but I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to run 3 straight miles between now and October (um without going into cardiac arrest, that is). I always do the elliptical and never run. I want to do this and challenge myself- and change up my workout- but at the same time I have this fear that I won’t be able to do it. Sigh- okay that was a sad confession! Let’s end on a good one.

5. I washed my hair last Wednesday and put a freaking TON of hairspray in it so I could wear it nice and curled Thursday while I was on my trip without having to wash it.

And I did just that- and wore it Friday too.

And Saturday.

And Sunday.

Yes. I really did do that. Perhaps I can say it’s because I’m “going green?”

Hey- this is about confessions, right?

Need to get something off your chest?