Dozens of soldiers, clad in flip-flops and shorts stroll the camp, fully enjoying the beauty that is today.

As I walked by the pool, every chair was filled with a bronzed body.

The breeze brought the smell of coconut tanning oil, filling my nose with fun memories of my puppy dog days, when life was much simpler.

Beach balls are being tossed about the water and a rowdy game of flag football is underway on the big field.

Spring is here in Kuwait, and things are alive.

And yes, I know it is not technically spring yet… but work with me.

The spring is notorious for bringing change- just look at how many pregnant women are typing on the nest right now! - and I feel that this spring, just like every other, will bring the waves of change to my life as well.

My heart aches for these changes because I’m not sure I’m ready. I thought my growing pains were over, but I fear in many ways they are just beginning.

Gasp, that’s right, yet ANOTHER downer post from me. I’M SORRY! I’ll get it right soon, I promise! Besides, I think this will be my last “life” post for a while. I’ll go back to normal after this one. I just wanted to give ya’ll an update.

Friday night Will and I agreed that he would go ahead and re-sign his contract, committing him to another year here. We then decided that come August, when my contract is up, if we are still unhappy, I won’t renew mine and Will will give a 30 days notice and we’ll come home. That gives us 5 months to really think about what we want to do. We thought that was the right decision to make right now. That way it gives us more time to think about things, though I think we both know in our heart of hearts what we are going to do…

As I sought God this morning, really asking Him just to reveal Himself to me regarding this matter, I was reading Proverbs 30 and saw something that really humbled me and has resonated in my mind all day. I wish I had my Bible with me here at work so I could share it with you (just read Proverbs 30- it’s a short chapter!), but it was this man, Agar I think ( I could be TOTALLY wrong, sorry!) and he was asking God not to make him too poor, so that he wouldn’t resort to stealing, but not to make him too rich so that he would forsake the Lord. He simply asked God for just enough. He knew that having all he needed was, well, all he needed.

I could give you a long drawn out analysis of what is going through my mind, but I think you know that this verse gives me a lot to think about. I know it’s not wrong to have nice things and have a good life, but what is enough? Have I lost sight of what I truly need here in this life? I don’t think there is anything wrong with the financial goal Will and I have set before us while we’re here, but the truth is, “God? Are you trying to tell me this labor is all in vain and we simply need to come home and live a ‘normal’ life with ‘normal’ jobs and that we should be content with having what we need?” I“m not sure.

It’s so ironic because one of my sweet friends emailed me something similar this past week and it really got me thinking, so this was just more for me to process.

So many things to think about in the coming weeks… are we going? are we staying?

Lots to ponder.

We work in a place where a lot of questionable things (not illegal, but things that make you think, “If this was a company in the states that so would have never happened this way.”) occur and everyone is miserable but, “Hey! At least we’re getting paid!” That’s no way to live, y’know? It’s like the joke at this company.

My thoughtful dad called and asked me out to lunch today. I felt like he had grabbed my heart and slammed it repeatedly on my desk and then gave it back to me. It was nothing he had done, but simply the thought that, “gosh. Can I really live without my parents nearby?” I don’t know. I could talk about that for a long time, but I won’t because I’m sure you can relate in some way or another.

So I will go ahead and close for today. I look forward to not having to post these melancholy updates for a while. So as spring approaches, I look towards the changes. I can’t say I’m ready, but I’m willing to go with God.

Bring on August.

Thanks for listening. A normal post tomorrow- guaranteed. Besides, dealing with this stuff is getting on MY nerves so I can imagine what having to read these posts are like!

Hope you had a great weekend. I love you girls.  I’m working on my feedback, slowly but surely! I might have the internet back next week!

Thanks for your friendship and support.

Welcome back.

blue today.

it pretty much sums up how i’m feeling.

i so need a big fat hug and a whole bunch of genuine girlfriends to surround me with support. i say genuine because i’ve found it very hard to find true and loyal girlfriends that aren’t backstabbing and don’t glory in your defeat. i’m sure some of you can understand. anyway… why did i feel the need to say that?… i don’t know. i guess i’m saying please just listen to me today and be my friend and don’t think i’m crazy for my scattered thoughts.

i had a funny post all written up this morning that i was going to post when i got home, but that was this morning, and a lot has happened since 8:00. it was called “date night with fred and ethel mertz.” see, we were supposed to go out with them tonight because it’s her birthday. gasp. yes, that’s right, we were going to get the men in the same room together. i didn’t even have to drug and blindfold will to go along with it! i have to admit, i was nervous about seeing them interact together after their two little tiffs, but i was still excited about the evening. we haven’t been on a couple date since we’ve gotten here.

i had to cancel today.

i feel like the worst person ever and what makes me feel the worst is that she is the nicest person ever and responded in kindness and totally wanted to make sure will and i were okay. i love “ethel” lots and i let down my only friend in kuwait down on her birthday.

i feel so sad for that.

anyway, i so wish i could tell you all that is going on in my life but i can’t.

maybe soon…

i will say it entails the possibilty of packing up and going home. i know it’s hard to tell you all something that big and not explain why, but i just can’t right now.

i just got off the phone with will. we had a 15 minute phone converstaion about this topic. i hate talking about something this huge and important over the phone. i mean, this is honestly a huge life decision and it doesn’t need to be discussed on the phone.

we are both very emotional about the subject and don’t seem to see eye to eye, which is never a good thing when you are talking about something so massive.

it’s so funny because we totally flip-flopped our opinions regarding this matter. okay, it’s not funny at all. it’s strange and bothersome because for so long one of us has relied on the other to keep us going and then all of a sudden we totally changed positions regarding the matter. one of us has such a strong conviction about this whole mess that they are talking crazy things! okay, not crazy, but just things that totally surprised the other one.

going home in our first year was never ever an option. never. no matter how miserable we were or how terrible people were, we were going to tough it out. i mean, it’s no secret i hate my job, but i am resoved to be a finisher. 4 years is our long term goal, though i am positive that regardless of what we decide it isn’t anymore.

we have to have a decision by the end of this weekend.

no pressure or anything.

ha.

i don’t want to make the wrong decision and honestly God is no where to be found when i pray about this. i know He is, but i just can’t seem to “find” Him when it comes to what we’re supposed to do. i mean “hello!!! this is a huge life altering decision and i would some input from You!” He already knows that. maybe i’m trying to rush Him. His timing is much different than mine.

i just don’t know what to do and i so wish i could talk to someone. i don’t want my parents to know this stuff yet (ha okay- i’m writing for hundreds of people to read, one of them being a good family friend and i say i don’t want them to find out that we’re thinking these crazy thoughts… hmm...), so i can’t talk to them about it. besides, we could totally decide “dang it! we’re freaking staying 4 years!” this weekend and telling them something now when we ended up decided to go ahead and say is unnecessary.

i need so badly to pour my heart out and say all the things that i’m thinking but i simply can’t right now and that is the absolute worst. in fact, i probably said too much with the thoughts of leaving stuf.

on top of that we got some bad news about will’s dad. that was the kicker. will is so down today.

his dad is his hero.

i have only seen him cry twice the entire time we’ve been together and one of the times was this past fall when he was missing his dad. he loves that guy and so do i. i won’t go into details, because honestly, we don’t know a lot, but i know that is another mountain of yuck that has been added to our stress pile. keep will and his dad in your prayers. they have a special relationship.

i’m worried about will. i know that really made him sad. the worst thing is that on top of that stress we seriously need to come to a decision about what we’re going to do with the “other situation” and instead of just being there for him, i forsee us both getting upset because we don’t agree on what needs to be done. i told him i would really rather talk about all that stuff tomorrow and tonight just be together and hold each other. he, however, want’s to talk about it.

amazing! i can’ never get the guy to talk about feelings and junk and all of a sudden he turns into a woman. go figure.

my heart feels so heavy and burdened. i’m not the strong one, will is, and all of a sudden i have to be strong for so many reasons.

i feel so tiny, hence lowercase today. i’ve felt like that for a long time but today has magnified everything. i just feel like i’m floating in the middle of the ocean uncertain of everything.

part of me just wants to log off the computer and watch crappy usa high reruns on tv until will gets home

another side of me wants to cry my eyes out so i’m better by the time he gets home

that is one thing that i admittedly hate about living here. besides my family i don’t have that “one friend“ to go to. you know what i’m talking about. a girl has to have one of those and i don’t. today i need one!

sorry for being so ambiguous. i just need to sort things out today and since i don’t have anyone to vent to (besides my family and ethel, whose birthday is today which means it would be easier and faster for me to set her gift on fire rather than ruining the day by venting) i vent to my blog.

this is my blog and i can say whatever the crap i want, therefore i assume by now you’ve all dropped out of reading so i can continue to write all i want just to keep myself together and not have to think that once again my life could be uprooted and totally change in the blink of an eye.

i don’t want to think about that yet.

wow, this is turning into a pity party. i just reread my post and thought, “i sound terribly pitiful and desperate and ‘poor me.’“ i have so many awesome things in my life and i am full of joy for so many things, and i think you guys have known me long enough to know i have an overall cheerful disposition, so don’t think i’m a weirdo for posting all this stuff. it just comes down to the fact that this was going to be home for a long time and all of a sudden it might not be and my mind is racing.

i should also say that all of this is due to our own personal feelings. no one has said, “you have to make a decision whether or not you’re staying or going.“ it’s nothing like that at all. this is all us, though we do have to have a decision that soon for another reason.

boy i didn’t forsee my day turning out like this! i thought at this time the mertz family and the wb family would be slapping our legs in laughter and telling old college stories over johnny carino’s.

such is life huh?

i guess i have good news. i got my travel check for being with the company for 6 months. that was a nice little bonus today. i guess that is one positive point of the day.

another one is that i decided to become active in selling mary kay again, hence the link. i love their skincare line- especially the moisturizer- so i’m glad i made that move. i’ve been a consultant for a long tiem but haven’t really sold in ages. i took 4 orders this week. that’s more good news. i get to order fun make-up this weekend. i can ship anywhere so if you ever want anything email me!

okay, enough with the sales crap. i’m just trying to get myself out of this “poor me“ rut and realize that God is in control and no matter where we are will and i have eachother and that is key.

okay, i think it’s time to get off for now. sorry for the melodramatic post and “oh poor brittny“ talk because frankly, i annoyed myself with it and i love myself, so i’d hate to think what all of you guys who simply just “like“ me were thinking!

Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it TONS!
I love you bunches.
Tomorrow is a new day- thank goodness.

I look forward to writing a normal post tomorrow.

*~*When life gives you lemons, cut them up, put them in your iced tea and thank God you’re a southern girl.*~*

I am still the Brittny you all know, so please don’t hate me for what is to follow.

I will probably never bring this issue up on my blog again, unless it deals with a neutral issue. So, please, no backlash in the comment board. Feel free to email me with it, but lets keep things nice on the nest.

Okay, I’m blabbering and confusing myself. On with the show…

I still have a lot going on in my head today, and the fact that OU lost makes matters worse.

Will stayed late at work to watch the game. He just called and you would have thought his dog had just died. It’s amazing how something like OU losing would normaly have me depressed (yes, we are crazy, extreme and hardcore fans), yet with the things I’ve been watching on the news it is far from secondary.

I really believe Will is depressed though. I think stuff like this is so different for the male gene. It is beyond bad enough that we are not there, sitting in our seats cheering on the team for their first game, but they lost. OU doesn’t lose. Ever (okay, they have lost twice in the last 2 seasons, but you know what I mean). I think we were both in disbelief. Poor guy. That is one of those things that truly gets him through the days here- being able to look forward to football. I hope that in light of the things going on in the south he will realize how many many more things we have to get us through the day that we daily take for granted.

Okay, enough about that.

Today was our day off for Labor Day. I was so excited to have the entire day with Will before my puppy dog days are over and I have to start work. however, our day came to a screeching halt at 9:00 this morning when his boss called him and told him that he should come in. I wish I could go on a 30 minute tangent about this issue. Not only would it have me feeling much better, but it also may leave you needing to check your pants because of the laughter that would have ensued. so much for thatl. It sucks to wonder who may read this blog, and the fact that the first 90 days leaves all new employees under greater scrutiny doesn’t help.

Anyway, that news left Will in a bad mood and me even madder. We tried to make light of the few hours he had before having to go in, so we decided to do our favorite weekend hobby: eat.

We went around 11:30, a time when you are literally the only people sitting in a place that fits 300. However, we forgot that not only was it an American holiday, but also a Muslim holiday. So it was crazy busy.

I love quiet lunches.

The rest of the afternoon was spent watching the news and wanting to throw a brick at the tv. I know this is the nest and the focus of blogs are newlywed stuff, but being someone highly interested in politics I can’t just sit back and shut up. I will try my hardest just to write and not let my personal political leanings get in the way- okay that sounds funny because everything I’m about to say has to do with them. I guess what I mean is that I am not going to let my other political viewpoints get in the way, and hopefully after you finish you will not be able to know my party choice, because it really doesn’t matter. I’m sorry. Rambling again.

I have been so frustrated at the selfishness of people. There are citizens seriously needing help, yet people want to focus on the political implications of the whole issue. Yes- I’m not totally blonde. I know this disaster comes with political issues- but that’s not what I’m trying to say. I just want to yell. Okay! I know you hate Bush! About 85% of the world does. Just pipe down for 2 weeks and let things settle down! There are far more important things than pointing fingers right now. I promise, there will be PLENTY of time to make your Bush Admin. stabs, but now is so far from the time. I have been sick at how people want to polarize everything, shadowing the fact that there are still thousands of people stranded in NO by doing whole news stories with the sole focus on “who is responsible.” Yes, the way things were handeled were shocking and should have been handeled better (that is an understatement), but sadly we can’t change the way things happened and the horrible way things have been played out. It is now time to get over pointing fingers, bashing people, and talking politics during these first few weeks. We Americans need to be better than that. Where is our unity? Can we not put down our right wing vs. left wing politics just for a few days? There will be plenty of time to bash the admin. (as well as the LA gov’t) and what he didn’t do and what he should have done… after we get these poor people out of the hell they have been experiencing. It is time to look at the voices of those suffering. Those hurting. Those who have been wiped out entirely. We need to come together and do all we can. How selfish is it for us-sitting in our comfy houses with plenty to eat and drink with our family- to make this about “us” and what we think and Bush this and Bush that. It is about the thousands needing help. We have to put away “our” (I’m not talking specifically to the nest - just people in general) political mindsets and focus on uniting and being brothers and sisters to those who have needs most of us will thankfully ever know.

Wow. I feel lots better. I probably need another forum to yell my frustrations out. The Nest isn’t quite the right place. I’m sure you are all nodding you head. However, as American married couples on our own in the real world for the first time, I think we can all easily put ourselves in the shoes of those affected and think about, “what if that had been us?”

Thankgoodness this is a holiday weekend and most of you will be out with your family and off of the nest! I needed to sneak in a “loud Brittny” post.

I promise I’m not turning this into a crazy political yelly blog. I’ll be back to normal tomorrow.

My prayers are constantly with the Gulf States.

Wow, OU’s loss just doesn’t seem near as important now…

"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and heal their land.”
2 Chronicles 7:14
My mind and heart have been far from Kuwait the last few days.

This may become a strange, blabbering, and confusing post today, but I just need to get it out- so just know I am making sense to myself and I apologize if I make sense to no one else… though it wouldn’t be the first time.

Katrina has made me miss home so much more. I know that may sound totally off the wall, but for some reason, homesickness was one of the emotions I’ve been feeling all the more since the hurricane hit.

I feel so detached from life back in the States. I just feel so far away and not up to date on the things that go on. We have a few news channels here, mostly middle eastern and international, and we have one 24 hour American news network (which isn’t the greatest because it takes show from several different American news channels and a lot of the time they are talk shows like Hardball), but it isn’t the same. For example, the big news over here has been the Iraqi bridge tramplings, with the hurricane also being covered but not extensively like back home.

I guess I’m talking generally in the paragraph above, that is an everyday detachment I feel, but with the news and details of the many things that are ensuing after the hurricane, I feel so lost. Okay, so you may say, “It’s bad. It doesn’t take a genius to know that, and you could be on the most desolate of islands and know this information,“ or “Why would you even want to have your eyes glued to the tv watching more footage of the same tragic things?“ You are right. I just wish I could do more with the knowledge I have. For Will and I all we can do is send money- which is definitely something that is needed, but I wish I could just go and volunteer and do so much more than send a check. I’m sure lots of other people even living back home but in states far away from the mess feel the same way, but I guess I just feel like things are a little more impossible over here.

My heart feels so sad about everything that has taken place this week. I have yet to read a good story of hope, though I have to believe there are some that deal with rescues. I have felt so discouraged with the selfishness of our people, but then i have to stop and wonder if I was poor and had nothing to begin with, and had the few things I had were ripped away from me in a storm, would I be the same way? Would I be the same Brittny if my life was like some of those affected? I don’t really know. Okay, maybe I should clarify. I’m not talking about the terrible things going on like rapes and shooting at helicopters or stealing TVs, but I mean just the basic instinct of chaotic survival that has seemed to consume the thousands of people affected. I just have to thank God that he spared me from this tragedy so I didn’t have to find out.

We were without power a few hours this week, which was a minor inconvenience, but you would have thought hurricane Katrina ripped through our complex with the way some people were complaining. I was so angry with the selfishness of some people. I wanted to bring a New Orleans citizen over here to testify that there are bigger things to worry about than not having power for a night.

As we ate our pizza over candlelight that night we thanked God that we had our family in one piece, knowing our minor electric problem would go away quickly. So many thousands of people are not as fortunate, and I wish I could have had them all over and fed them and given them a place to stay for the night. Visions of grandeur I guess.

I think back to the saying “it takes a villiage to raise a child,” and I firstly wish that were always true, but I also wish it could be applicable to the situation at hand. I wish- and I guess this is me wishing we lived in a perfect world- people would have come together in strength and numbers to be a huge team through all of this. Sadly it seems any bond has fallen apart, as I read in one article that as a woman asked a police officer for some sort of aid he curtly replied, “Go to hell. It’s every man for himself.” That seems to clearly sum up the way many people are responding to what has happened. Is that how it really is there? Is that how things really are with most people? I hope not, but it guess I am left to wonder after the way people are responding.

I am rambling on and on, and rambling has never done much good. It has never made a huge difference.(I believe there is power in words- but not so much in my scatterbrained ramblings). Words can only go so far, and truthfully they don’t go very far when something like this happens. It is actions, not words, that make change. I wish I was able to take more action, but I will do as much as I can over here. I pray others will cease with the verbage and the “I hopes“ and take action too.

Anyway, my prayers, as well as the things I can do are with those affected by the storm. It is hard to see that God has a plan with something like this happens, but He is a perfect God and I know He does.

Thanks for letting me sort that out today, whether it made sense or not, I feel a little better getting it out.

Have a wonderful Friday