First and foremost, thank you for “sharing the love” yesterday. I needed it.

Do you ever wish you could just rally all of us together onto Wisteria Lane- minus all the constant backstabbing and drama of course- and just live in a cute little community all in a row? Maybe I’m a bit over the edge on that one, but hey- I think it could be fun. I heart you guys, I really do.

Alright, enough with the mushy crap- let’s get started.

I’m sitting here at work today waiting.

I’ve officially realized what my REAL job title is!

I’m a Waitress!

I’m responsible for being incredibly nice, cordial, and submissive to my menopausal always changing never constant customer.

“Good morning sir, what can I get for you?”

“What can you get for me? I’ll tell you what you can get for me! How about a new face!”

“Yes, sir, right away sir.”

“You can also bring me a side of beef- not too done, but not too rare- but NOT medium, an iced tea with crushed ice, two baked potatoes with the skin removed, and a side of truffles- the mushroom kind!!”

“Uh, we don’t carry truffles. They’re rare and expensive.”

“Well then GET THEM!”

“Um, I think pigs crawl around in the heart of France sniffing them out.”

“Well you better get on a plane and get to sniffing! Oh- and I need to eat this in less than an hour.”

OR it goes like this:

“Hello sir, what can I get for you today?”

“Give me a few minutes to get back to you.”

“No problem.”

Repeat 5 minutes later.

Repeat again 5 minutes later.

Repeat.

Repeat.

REPEAT.

REFREAKINGPEAT.

Sometimes it goes like this:

“Hello sir, what can I get for you?”

“How about the special?”

“Coming right up!”

…waiting for the cook to prepare…

“Dinner is served, sir!”

“Hmm, well… now that I think about it- I don’t want the special anymore. Can you make me the lamb?”

“Coming right up!”

…waiting for the cook to prepare…

“Dinner is served, sir!”

“Hmm, this looks great, but you know… the beef sounds better. How about the beef?”

This goes on and on- preparing everything to the customer’s EXACT requests only to be asked for something else again

And again

And again

And AFREAKINGAIN!

I also have to clean up a lot of crappy messes- think a table full of rowdy junior high boys that just lost their season’s softball championship and are out to destroy everything in sight- while eating a huge plate of spaghetti on white linen tablecloths.

Cleaning. Lots of cleaning. Maybe I’m also a janitor…

Hey, I don’t even have to mention the waitress pay do I?

Alright I could go on and on about this (I’m actually having a lot of fun drawing comparisons!), but it’s time for me to leave (yay!). I should have saved this post for a day when I had time to think of all the other similarities! Oh well.

It’s your turn! What’s your “real” job??

Remember The Talker? Well, between you and me I’ve been keeping my headphones on at all times in hopes that this person won’t talk to me.

Sometimes music isn’t even playing- but I keep the headphones on just to keep the appearance that I’m listening to music and

I

CAN’T

HEAR

YOU.

It hasn’t worked.

I can’t parallel park. I think I’ve maybe parallel parked three times since I’ve gotten my license. I’d rather park in the boonies and walk in a 5 below snow storm with gusting winds than parallel park right outside a store.

Boz peed on his random “floor spot” (you can read all about that a few posts down) this morning and I pretended not to see it so Will would clean it up. Yeah- I know. I’m sick and wrong. Shhh.

I had a venti skim latte today.

With 6 Sweet and Lows.

Last night we got a little Valentine’s Day care package from Will’s parents. A bag of Hershey’s Hugs was included. Will ate 3. I ate 3.

And then I took the bag in the kitchen and had 4 more. Don’t tell Will.

Alright, that’s enough secret sharing today. Anything you need to get off your chest?

Is it just me or are you feeling like the most boring person in the world too?

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve simply been staring at this blank blinking cursor for the last 5 minutes thinking, “Wow… what can we talk about today??” Wasn’t that what I was saying a couple posts ago, too? I’m sensing a reoccurring theme!

I have this weird thing about leaving old posts up too long, and my last one has been up since Thursday- so just humor me.

I’ve watched The Beach three times since I’ve been home. I watched it twice on the plane and for some random reason it was on TV this past weekend.

Just as a side note- did you know The Beach is almost always on the “Independent Films” section of long flights? Whoever plans the movie rotation must seriously love that movie.

Anyhow, I’ve been watching it to remind myself that even paradise has its issues.

I mean- shark attacks, getting dumped by your girlfriend (poor Entienne), not to mention the threat of being shot to death by the crazy weed growing Thais across the waterfall!

See, even paradise has its problems.

It seems silly, but it’s been a reminder I’ve needed lately!

Oh- and I must say, the TV version is SO much better than the original. Do you know they say the F-bomb 126 times in that movie? Okay, I have no idea, but they seriously say it all the time. It’s distracting. Their mothers ought to ground them!

I gotta level with you, though, I think I’d take my chances in paradise just so I could figure out it’s not perfect all on my own.

Because I’m officially boring today (and uh, every other day), I thought I’d look back and see what I was doing last year at this time and do you know what I was doing!?

Getting ready for the Super Bowl! There is certainly nothing boring about that at all. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year.

Sigh.

That was such a great trip. We were only gone for a week, but we had so much fun eating Maggie Moos everyday and doing absolutely nothing just because we could. Plus the Colts won! You just can’t beat a combination of laziness, football, and an exorbitant amount of chocolate ice cream mixed with Reece’s.

Oh, and speaking of exorbitant amounts of chocolate ice cream- I sort of kind of (totally) blew my diet a teensy bit this weekend.

I did really well at TGIFridays, but afterwards we got some delicious gelato- BUT- I did manage to make it to the gym that night.

Friday and Saturday, however, I did abysmally bad.

I sat there eating a stuffed crust piece of pizza mockingly saying to myself, “I’m on the South Beach diet!” I would then erupt into laughter.

So, back on the wagon.

Eating “good” on the week days isn’t an issue. It’s those stupid weekends…

Okay- so crap. I just spit coffee all over myself.

Not Spilt- Spit.

I’m a mornon.

There wasn’t even any laughing involved. I can see how laughing and spitting coffee is a possibility- but no laughing. No talking. I simply somehow managed to have coffee fall out of my mouth.

And I’m wearing a white shirt.

Better and better, I tell you.

I can’t be taken anywhere. My life mission is to break, stain, and drop everything within a 3 mile radius.

I hope the stain comes out. Bummer. I literally just drooled on myself. Are you kidding me?

Not to mention I just wasted a perfectly good sip of my latte.

It’s the middle of the afternoon and I had a coffee craving. I opted for decaf because, well, if I have regular I’ll be lying in bed at 1:30 a.m. thinking about the stupidest things- like funny words that rhyme, or outfits I should wear the following week.

Oh- and speaking of latte, you Diet Wardens are probably all, “That’s not South Beach, Brittny!”

HA! I say to you. I got a latte with SKIM milk. So shut-y. I know coffee is okay, so I think a skim latte is approved… it has to be, right? Don’t answer.

(please don’t ask about the 5 sweet and lows. I’m pretty sure that’s unadvised)

I think I’ve heard some comedy sketch about Coffee Order Anxiety, and I have to say I fully agree. I pretty much stick to the three things I can rattle off real quick. If I am forced to make any last minute decision- or if I’m unsure if the stupid thing I’m ordering even comes with milk- I don’t order it. There’s nothing more stressful than ordering coffee.

Alright, that’s a stretch.

I think the shark attack and weed growing psycho killer Thais on The Beach were pretty stressful too.

Almost as stressful as ordering that venti decaff sugar free vanilla latte no whip. Whew- I’m getting all frazzled just typing it. There should be a syllable limit to coffee orders.

Okay, this post is getting out of hand. Can I use Monday as an excuse?

It’s not exactly a viable excuse for me, as Sunday is my Monday and Monday is my Tuesday.

Did you catch all that?

Okay- I seriously need to go.

Happy Monday!

I just learned that The Marble Slab is coming to Kuwait next month.

I’m pretty sure if they brought in a Walmart I’d be set for life.

Or just the rest of the time we plan on being here.

The link is funny. They’re not coming to Al Koot mall, it’s Al Kout.

But whatever.

That’s neither here nor there.

They’re coming.

Speaking of that, I’m a bit in a snippy mood this afternoon.

I tend to become really...hmm...what’s the word

Pissy

if I’m not able to go to the gym on a regular basis.

I was so excited because I today I was making a point to leave on time so I could go to the gym, but then a wrench got thrown in my plans.

We asked my parents out for dinner.

I either needed like a 5:00 dinner or an 8:00 dinner. Nothing in between would do. 5 would give me enough time to eat and then get to the gym before it closed. 8 would allow me enough time for a quick work out and time to get ready for dinner.

“How about 6!?”

The story of my life, right?

How is it that the most TIME OBSESSED PERSON E.V.E.R is ALWAYS being faced with time-related issues?

I swear…

Anyway, I can’t budge much because my sister is getting on a plane tonight to head to Amsterdam where she will do lots of heavy liquor shots and smoking near the red light district will be attending a Model U.N. meeting. (only kidding, mom)

Too bad the Marble Slab isn’t already open. I could round out my lack of workout and a terrible dinner at TGIFridays with some slutty indulgent dessert…

<3

Just for curiosity’s sake I wondered what I was up to last year at this time, and want to know something funny? I was on South Beach Phase 2 this exact same time last year. Oh, and for about 10 posts in a row I droned on and on about how I was… if you’ve been reading my blog for that long I bet you guys wanted to shove a donut in my mouth and tell me to shut up, huh? Oh, and I totally laughed because I trashed P’s old boyfriend Z in one post. It was before they were dating so it was legitimate, right? I LOVE that man now. Funny how much changes in a year… apparently except for my South Beach cycle, that is.

So day two has gone just fine. No major temptations. I do have to say, though, last night I came close to a slip up. Will came home with all sorts of goodies: sour apple straw gummies, sour covered coke bottle gummies, and cherry gummies. I just looked at him as if he were a complete idiot, “Are you kidding me!? You know I’m on South Beach, right??” Do you think husbands do this stuff on purpose, or do it just because they really honestly completey forgot that their wife is going INSANE and on a really restrictive diet for 1-2 weeks? You know, I’d like to say it’s the first thing, but between you and me- I think it’s the second thing.

Why is it that God made men incredibly forgetful but women able to remember the color of their shirt the night they got engaged. Heck- we can even remember the color of our shirt the night our best friend’s cousin’s sister got engaged.

We

Never

Forget.

How strange. I guess it’s a balance thing.

The gummies are sitting in the cabinet right now, but I’m still holding strong. Mmm, cucumbers. Delicious!

Uh- did I mention if I go back to my equilibrium at the end of this week I’m going straight into Phase 2 and tossing the second week of Phase 1 in the can?

Okay, enough about Phase 2435 and gummy worms and forgetful husbands.

The truth is that I just felt like posting and thought it was funny that I was going through the exact same thing this time last year. Only then, Will was doing it with me. I don’t have to tell you how much easier it is to stick to something when your husband is tagging along.

Although- between you and me- it’s slightly more fun to be able to complain about absolutely everything: from how I’m annoyed about him bringing home crap to eat, all the way to how it drives me crazy that he picks sock lint out of his feet all because he’s not participating and I’m on a diet and fully allowed free reign to complain. I’m probably the only wife in the world that does that though, right?

Okay, so let me first begin this post with a big fat I’M SORRY.

I’m sorry.

I really suck.

I will probably not be posting any feedback for the next few weeks. My computer time is beyond “extremely limited” right now. I know, I know, I’m missing the MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR in everyone’s lives and all that crap… yeah, yeah, I know. I’m sorry guys. :(

Okay- now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get started.

I seriously feel like I’m typing next to a ticking stink bomb that is going to go off in all its funky glory if I don’t complete my computer time in 24.5 minutes or less. I’d elaborate, but again- we can’t have the stink bomb go off so let’s just get on with the post.

So because of time I thought I’d just combine a few series of short posts into one bigger post. Alas- (seriously, it’s about time, right!?!) my post.

Heh Heh
I’ve got Will totally convinced that the terrible smell filling his car two nights ago was from it sitting in storage for a year and the air vents not being used. Friends, I don’t think I need to tell the truth on this one. I’m sure you already know.

A Night With the Devil’s Kitten
Yeah you read that right. Will and I spent the night with Satan’s cat a couple nights ago.

I’ll come right out and say it (you can trash me later)- Will and I aren’t the biggest cat people. Especially Will. (Exepct for Toby, Ann. I love Toby. I think Will would too<3).

There.

I said it.

Hate me later.

Mine comes from a couple bad cat experiences, Will's?… I'm not so sure.

Anyway, Will's brother Dr. Vet (<- this is where I'm supposed to insert a link so you know what I'm talking about. Instead I'll just do a crash course- Dr. Vet is Will's veternarian brother. Wow- what a creative name) has a cat to keep him company.

Ooh! Cool side story! My friend retired blogger Sarah takes her doggies to the same vet clinic where Dr. Vet works and didn’t even know it! HOW FREAKING AMAZING.

We stayed with Dr. Vet and the devil cat our first night after Minneapolis.

Guys, the thing truly is borderline, “bring into the clinic for observation.” Perhaps that’s why Dr. Vet likes it so much.

Bogey likes to sleep all day and play all night.  Sort of a Jykell (sp!?!) and Hyde sort of thing. Lucky us.

We slept out on the pull out couch that night and boy did old Bogey have a ball with us. We kept hearing it run up and down the back of the couch and pounce.

Run, Run, Run, Fly, Pounce!

That’s sort of how it went. It would sit on the arm of the couch as we were sleeping and just stare at Will and then run over us onto the other side of the couch and then stare at me. Creepy. To be honest, I slept through most of it, but Will was totally annoyed. Apparently at some point during the stare contest Bogey licked Will’s nose (ha ha), and as Will went to grab him, Bogey straight up slapped Will in the face (HA HA) I woke up at some point from Will flailing trying to catch Bogey and asked him what he was doing.

He looked at me like a soldier on a mission and was all, “I’ve been protecting you all night!”

What a dork. He even had a water gun handy to defend my honor.

(I’m totally shaking my head right now)

You Gotta Watch Out For This One
I totally wish I could post this on it’s own. Oh well…

I can’t be sure, but I think my MIL totally let one last night! Not just a little womanly fluff, but a full blown honker of a fart. One that made me think she ought to check her pants!

We were in Tulsa last night with Will’s grandpa. We had just eaten a big meal and were sitting in the living room. All of a sudden my MIL adjusts her seat and lets out a seriously loud sound! At first I thought it was like pants rubbing against the leather chair, but then I realized I was on the leather chair, not her! She had to have let one! She even said excuse me! I was so shocked because I was just certain it was not a bodily noise but instead leather, shoes scraping together- something, anything but that!

Surely not, right? Surely someone as quiet and gentle as my MIL would never do such a thing right? I don’t know… I guess I’m going to have to watch out for this one…

Cheese-Freaking-Cake Factory
Again, I wish I had more time. This is going to sound dumb and probably won’t make any sense at all, but I need to vent. As you remember from the Cheesecake Factory tiff earlier this week, any and all in-law venting must be via blog.

I totally had an uncomfortable moment today with the family. Yet again the Cheesecake Factory has brought trouble upon the WB family!

Will wanted to take me there since it had recently opened in the Tulsa area, plus his parents have never gone so we wanted them to go too.

Well for some reason it sort of turned into, “Well Brittny wants to go,” sort of thing as though everyone was inconvienced. I got the feeling they didn’t want to go. No big deal.

Okay- so first of all I never ever said I wanted to go. Will had told me a long time ago (after his September trip back home) he told his parents he wanted us to go while we were in Tulsa. I never up and said, “Hey gang! Let’s go to the Cheesecake Factory!”

I think since they knew it was a place I really liked they sort of turned it into a “Well, Brittny” sort of thing. This morning I told my MIL I didn’t think we ought to go because I knew Will’s grandpa wouldn’t go along because of his health. I said we ought to stay and do something at the house.

Period.

EOD (End of Discussion)… or so I thought.

Anyway, my MIL kept pestering me about it, “Are you sure? I know how much you FREAKING love it and want to make out with everything on the menu!” <- uh, okay, she really didn't say that, but you get my drift.

She just went on and on and then they started calling family saying, "Well, Brittny changed her mind...” blah blah blah. I was so annoyed. It totally became this huge thing, “Are you sure you’ll be okay if we don’t go?

We should go…

Are you sure it’s okay if we don’t?

Maybe we should go…

Well- if we don’t go, what are we going to do?...”

I was going insane! I’m fairly reserved and don’t like to get firm with people most of the time, but finally I was like, “Okay, I’m being really serious- I really don’t want to go. It’s seriously no big deal. We just need to let it go.” Will was annoyed too. I don’t know why things have to become such a big deal sometimes. It was totally solved this morning, but it couldn’t be left alone.

Anyway, we ended up not going (Thank God. I think it would have ruined it for me to have to go after the whole elaborate morning we had about the whole thing).

Okay- so I re-read that whole story, and wow! It makes absolutley no sense at all!

Oh well, I feel better for venting.

So here we are, back home. Finally. We’ve been on the road ever since we left Kuwait. More driving will be coming very soon, but I’ll try to enjoy tomorrow at home. I’m so thankful to be home with my family (despite my venting). I’m so blessed. The Lord has given me so much to be thankful for. I have so much more I want to tell you guys! :( Oh well. I hope you have a great Christmas. I can’t wait to read all about it! Check in with you guys soon!

I had a great Thanksgiving and for lack of anything exciting to post, I will simply fill my blog with pictures, lots and lots of pictures. Lots of huge and not properly sized pictures that will probably make my blog look funny. YAY!

I posted a crap load on flickr and will probably get bored and won’t finish posting all of them on here- so if you’re bored too, you can look for the rest there!

I thought this sort of summed up life here. Covered ladies all in a row.

Have I mentioned Will hates taking pictures?

Making room for turkey.

My Angstgiving 2005 Guide. I have no idea why I still have it. Please don’t ask.

We got matching jerseys! Surprisingly enough, Will was the one who thought we should get them. Pretty cute. Too bad we won’t get to ever freaking wear them to a STUPID OU NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME! WHY!? WHHHY Sam Bradford? Get well soon. PS- I need all other 5 and higher ranked teams to lose next week. Can you arrange that?

My mom would kill me if she knew I was posting this- so don’t tell her. I thought this shirt was freaking hilarious. It came free with their Sopranos set. Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like a mom in a shirt with a bloody knife! You know what I’m sayin?

Me and my bird.

Me and P. Did you notice she went brown? It’s such a change!

Me and P again.

The Turkeys

Will and Boz throwing up their “number ones”

Will trying to get Boz to look at the camera.

This picture is freaking GENIUS! This is P doing our The Shining cover. She looks like Jack Torrence, right?

My rendition is not as good as P’s.

P and “Tony” <- another thing from the movie.

My mom got us all Advent calendars to count down to Christmas, but we’re using it to countdown to our vacation home! YAY!

Alright, so that’s that. Sorry I’m not more exciting. I had a really good weekend though. I ate entirely too much and was too lazy.

Good “whatever it may be” friends (I figure if I say morning this post won’t be finished until the afternoon, and knowing me I may not even publish until this evening… we’ll just stick with “whatever it may be.” It’s safe)!

Well, here it is again- Thanksgiving. The good news is that this year’s holiday (hopefully!) won’t be another Angstgiving as in years past. We can only hope, anyway.

My family and I are celebrating a little early this year because of our trip to Jordan. The plan is to have Thanksgiving tomorrow, so keep your fingers crossed. See, unfortunately there’s a chance I might have to work. I’m just going to put my foot down and tell my boss I’ve got a freaking 16 pound turkey that’s been defrosting in my fridge since Sunday night and dang it, that bird is getting tossed in the oven, and if not- HE’S going to be the stuffing!!

What do you guys think?

My coworker and I agreed we could come in Saturday, so hopefully that will suffice. I even said I could do some work from home while the bird was in the oven. While we’re on the subject of work, will you guys say a prayer for me? I just found out some disturbing news that might have me searching for something elsewhere. I really hope not, but please just say a prayer for me. My stomach feels yucky over everything.

Okay- this post is NOT about work. It’s about Thanksgiving! Let’s get back on track!

The original plan was for me to go over to my parent’s house tonight, bird in tow. I was going to stay the night with them so I could get up early and make the turkey at their house. You might remember last year’s Thanksgiving drama. As you can imagine, I don’t want a repeat of that, so I thought it best to let Will do his own thing in the morning and let me get the turkey ready at my parent’s house. Transporting the stupid thing was a sloshy juicy mess last year, and this plan will not only make for a happier wife, but a happier Thanksgivng overall.

I’m not sure I’m going to go over there now, though, if I’m going to do some work from home. I figure I’ll be distracted if I’m at my parent’s house. There’s no way I can resist goofing off with P. Besides- what loser tells their sister, “Now now, pipe down. I need to focus on my studies!”

Exactly.

I’m sort of bummed because I thought it would be fun. I know all I’ll do is worry if I go over there instead of taking care of my crap. We’ll see. Again- PRAYERS guys, please. I really want to seek God’s will for my life and job.

So- plans are still up in the air for tomorrow’s festivities. The plan is for me to make a desert tonight and the turkey tomorrow. We’re going with rather unconventional desserts this year. My mom is making key lime pie and I’m making a chocolate buttermilk pie- only because it’s from a Semi-Homemade cookbook and it was one of the first pie recipes I turned to. Plus it’s chocolate and you can’t go wrong with that.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Did I ever tell you my sister and I have a really morbid Thanksgiving tradition? We LOVE to watch The Shining Thanksgiving night. How random, right? I don’t really know what started this tradition, but it’s become a staple in our holiday fun. Will and my parents don’t get it, I can’t understand why. Will already informed us he won’t be participating in this year’s viewing. What a party pooper. Oh well.

Back to turkey. I’m making the same one I have the past two years- the orange-y one. I had pictures on my old blog, but when I had to transfer all the archives (copy and freaking paste. It took FOREVER) over to this blog, I got lazy and didn’t insert all the pictures. So- sadly, if you ever read the archives (ha ha yeah right), I have a ton of posts where I’m all, “Look at our trip! Here’s me with P doing such and such, and here’s Will skiing in Dubai!” only there aren’t any pictures underneath. I suck.

Okay- this post has literally taken me all stinkin’ day to write. I started this morning and got so busy that now it’s time for me to leave- and the best part of all is I GET TO WORK FROM HOME! 16 pound orange-y turkey… get ready to be basted!!

Love you guys. Pictures of the big day to come tomorrow! 

I’ve never really been into potions and creams. I mean, call me a skeptic, but anything that tells me if I rub this magic serum on my face for only 46 weeks (and $745.00) I’ll look like Jessica Simpson (pre-divorce) has me a little wary.

However, as a Mary Kay lady, I’m a big advocate of trying all the new (amazing, wonderful, life-altering, YOU MUST BUY FROM ME NOW) products we’re coming out with so I’m familiar with how they work.

That means sometimes trying some of those serums that promise big results fast.

Want to know what I’m trying right now?

The MK Timewise Cellu-Shape Contouring System (yeah- try saying that fast 3 times in a row).

okay, okay, before you stop reading in fear that I’m trying to pressure you into buying something- I’m not. I <3 MK, but this post isn't about me trying to get into your pockets (hee hee).

(hmm, okay, it is a little- but I promise it's not intentional and this post has a point)

Where were we?

I'm on week two and so far so good. Now, obviously the stuff doesn't get rid of the fat, but it does help smooth out the bumps.

I'm greatly appreciative.

I think I was born with cellulite.

Seriously. I have memories from 20 years ago of people nailing extra shingles to their roof every time I came around because:

"I can't put my finger on it- but I've got a funny feeling a hail storm is coming."

I could barely crawl at this point or gurgle a meaningful sound. I'm telling you- all my life.

So, hey what have I got to lose, right? Prove me wrong, I figured.

I gotta first say that I just love the stuff because the nighttime solution is so darn fun. It's this super awesome pink gel. I'm always tempted to squeeze the entire bottle out in one sitting just because it looks so cool.

The results, however, haven't been nearly as cool as the pink gel.

Ladies, I'm sad to say that I think the cool pink gel has made me fatter.

Yep, that's right.

It's the gel, I tell you.

Sure, my legs look great and they're smooth and cellulite free, but guys- the fat has been displaced to my stomach and face.

It's terrifying. I went to button a pair of pants I can normally wear just fine (with a few deep breaths before SQUEEZE and button, of course), and you know what? I couldn't button them!

The only rational answer to my pants not being able to button is clearly the pink lotion potion!

Sure, the entire weekend I ate as if I were training for the World Famous Eat-a-Thon in Grand Rapids next year, and my most strenuous form of exercise this week has been picking up crap left by Boz and Lucy, but I'm confident this has nothing to do with the buttoning troubles.

Nothing at all.

I think I must have been applying the gel incorrectly. Too much? Not enough? Too much patting? Not enough patting?

I think I somehow rubbed the leg cellulite into my stomach, neck, and cheeks!

Blasted "upward strokes!!"

The box said 7 out of 10 women lost 1/2 an inch in their trouble spots, but they failed to mention that they GAINED 10 pounds in every other limb of their body!

I've been pinching and poking and standing in the mirror assessing the neck fat and asking Will if he thinks it's possible for lotion to "swoosh" fat from one area of your body to another.

He says I'm weird.

I think he's bought into the commercialism and their lies.

He can't be brought back, now.

Sigh…

So now I have stick legs, gigantor cheeks, and a beach ball for a stomach.

Instead of jiggle-ish legs, I've got jiggle-ih cheeks. My nose jiggles, guys. That’s not humanly possible! Also, the other day I sneezed and I swear pink gel shot out of my nose.

So, as you can see, I’ve got quite a problem on my hands.

Again- this has NOTHING to do with my weekend eating.

Period.

Uh, PS- this probably isn’t the right time to bring this up, but why don’t you order some MK? I think we both know where my fat has originated.

My Blue Tupperware Container is STILL in the fridge.

Guys- I’m sick.

Beyond help.

I can’t believe I’m putting this information on the internet.

Please don’t disown me.