For many years now I have relied upon this old wives tale advice for how to absolutely avoid crying at the most inopportune times.

In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve shared this fun fact with you on more than one occasion.

When you think you’re going to cry during a time in which you really, really shouldn’t (ie:work, in front of in-laws, work) all you have to do is squeeze your butt together really, really hard and you’ll be totally fine and won’t cry.

I relied on this advice for many years- after all, it was Amber V.’s mom who said it- and she was a nurse.

Which apparently means she knows everything regarding one’s derriere and the correlation of not crying.

Right?

Well, my friend, I’m here to tell you that Amber V’s mom is wrong.

I’ve really tried to psych myself into believing this was good advice- after all, there had been times in which it did work- however I think it was way more of a mental thing and way less of a squeezing thing.

I’m here to tell you guys that I’m no longer convinced this is a sure fire way to avoid looking like a freaking idiot in front of others.

...

Although-

now that I think of it- “The Squeeze” pretty much makes you look like a freaking idiot too.

I feel as though I need to inform you guys that perhaps my initial analysis is incorrect and I might have made my first mistake ever (ha ha).

I would recommend the nail digging tactic (in which you dig your nails into your skin as hard as you possibly can almost to the point of blood so that instead of wanting to cry all you can think about is whether you’re hemmoraging all over yourself)- however after this week I must confirm this is not always a reliable tactic either.

So, I fear I’m back to square one. I rarely have to call upon these useful tricks, but now that they have been tested throughout the course of my lifetime (and most recently this week) I must say that I believe we’re back to square one.

I guess if all else fails you could try a combination of both?

Now THAT would be funny to watch.

I suppose now I will simply resort to the old Picture Them Naked Trick.

Um- actually… I’m thinking about that and- no.

There’s no way I could do that without throwing up.

How about the Picturing Them in a Chicken Suit Trick?

Do you think that’s more solid?

Definitely. Anytime you’re talking about someone in a chicken suit-that’s solid conversation.

Okay so I give up. I just thought I’d pass on some useful (ha ha. Useful. I’m hilarious.) information if you’re ever caught in an uncomfortable bind.

Plus I needed to lighten my mood a bit. I’ve been way.too.serious. this week.

And who likes serious?

(Aside from our parents of course. And maybe the person doing my taxes...)

No one!

Should you have a PSA of your own, feel free to leave it in the Share The Love section.

That is all.

You may now go back to your regularly scheduled Thursday night. 

I’m acting in my boss’s stead this week.

I’m having a love-hate response to serving in such a capacity.

Ask me again on Monday when my life is back to normal and after I’ve enjoyed some spirits from my Secret Work Pal.

Secret Work Pal.

Pretty sure I told you guys all about this.

If not- I certainly should have.

Anyway-

I must say- being “the boss (and I use this term very,very loosely)” isn’t exactly all you build it up to be in your head.

Or- at least my head.

I’ve done it before but it was during Christmas when it doesn’t really count because really- who works during this time of year?

Exactly.

I’m sure I could spill all sorts of useful lessons learned to you guys like-

When in doubt, simply smile really big and pretend you know exactly what in the world you’re speaking about.

Although- I don’t ever really need to exercise this bit of advice because I’m incredibly knowledgeable about my field and all the office intricacies.

(ha ha- see!? You like how I just fooled you guys by utilizing this little lesson learned?)

Impressive- I know.

I must also say I’ve quite enjoyed signing and approving things.

You know- because that’s by FAR the most important thing of being delegated (HA).

...

Or it could just be that I’ve officially lost my mind.

My mind is full of yucky work matters and quite honestly the thought of actually sitting down to my blog to write and produce something meaningful and substantial makes me want to stab a number 2 pencil thru my eye.

But don’t worry- I wouldn’t do that.

I’m a true proponent of depth perception.

Okay. No more rambles. Although I posted yesterday it feels as though I’ve been “distant” from you guys this week, and this is why.

I know it’s only a few days and no big deal really, but this week has been good practice for me- but I’m definitely ready for Friday.

No go eat some chocolate and go to bed!

Hey- I can totally order you around. I’m the boss.

<3

It’s after 9:00 on a “gym night” which means I need to be in bed. I tend to be fairly dedicated about getting up to go to the gym in what I like to call “the middle of the night,” however lately what I like to call “fatness” has gotten the best of me.

Ha ha “quotations.” They’re so funny.

And annoying.

Anyway-

Will has been going with me in the morning too, so that’s been nice.

Okay- actually he’s been with me like twice- but still- I count it as a victory.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, right?

If I keep making trifles and candy bar cookies and 27,000 calorie cake we might be forced to live life from a queen size bed in which we take turns rolling each other over so as to avoid bedsores.

Nice.

Something about moving home has brought out the domestic goddess in me-

Where has she been all my life!?

Okay- so I’m exaggerating.

A lot.

I don’t have any creativity inside of me.

I will say, however, that moving back has brought out the desire to cook- which is good and bad.

Good: This morning I made myself a fresh fruit smoothie

Bad: I made a trifle that weighed 6 pounds.

Do you know how long one would have to be on an elliptical to burn that crap off?

We’re not talking minutes.

Think hours.

Like- I was 25 when I got on this thing and will be 26 when I get off.

But that doesn’t seem to stop me.

My willpower is like that of a bloodhound being let loose in a meat locker.

(that means I don’t have any)

Anyway- I don’t feel as large since I know I’ll be going to the gym in the morning.

Because we’re “easing” Will into the gym, I’ve been gracious enough to forego my usual hour and a half workout for just one hour. I figure I’ll do an hour of cardio tomorrow and an hour of weights the next day. I hate not doing both- but oh well.

…

And wow- I just realized what a boring post this has becoming.

Or always was.

I would apologize, but then I think to myself, “I’m soooo entitled to a boring piece of crap post every now and again (cough- or every third day…).” It’s not easy thinking up interesting crap to share!

But you guys already know that.

Okay- if you’re still hanging with me, here’s a story I’ll share.

P hates working out.

She hates working out because it makes her face red.

And she sweats.

How dare someone sweat at the gym- right!?

Anyway- I made her workout with me on the cruise several times.

Sort of.

She loved every minute of it.

Ha.

I will say, though- she did overcome her fear of “gym-ing.”

Sort of.

So one day we go to the gym and it’s really busy- and full of cute boys.

I get there and start getting ready to work out and P has like this huge conniption fit.

Like she wants to scratch my eyes out and disown me as her sister.

She refuses to work out and (with her phone in hand) says the following all flustered:

“I left my phone in the room, Britt!

I have to go! I have to get my phone! I have to go, Britt!”

She darts and goes back to the room.

For someone that hates working out- she sure can sprint.

I’m not lying- the girl hates working out in front of a crowd.

Huh.

It was hilarious when it happened. I could see the stress in her eyes at the thought of working out with a crowd. I thought she was going to have a panic attack.

Reading it here? Isn’t as funny. Oh well. I always like telling P stories. They’re fun.

Speaking of- I think I might share a secret with you guys about me and P sometime soon.

(Private to P: do you think we should tell them about The Village? Not for them to come and screw things up- but just so that they’re aware? Perhaps you can share when you guest write for me next week)

Anyway- back to the matter at hand (if there really is a matter at hand)- the gym.

Here are a few things you should be listening to while you’re there (well- this is what I am listening to right now anyway):

-Mindcircus By Way Out West- (download the version that’s on Tiesto’s In Search of Sunrise 3 cd. It’s the Gabriel & Dresden Mix)
-Open You Eyes should follow Mindcircus. It’s the next song on the In Search of Sunrise cd. That’s one thing I love about working out to trance, it all flows together so you’re always keeping the same pace

Actually- just buy it all.

All of the In Search of Sunrise cds.

That will save me a ton of time…

-Nothing But You (Club Mix), Paul Van Dyk

-This Time (Klass Remix), DJ Antoine

Okay.

That’s enough.

I’m sure I’ve lulled you to sleep- and I need to do the same.

Those calories don’t burn themselves.

…

Or something like that…

My company encourages me to come to work sick.

It’s quite unfortunate, actually.

See, we’re granted “X” amount of general leave hours each year. There’s no special set days off for being sick, it’s all lumped into one “general leave” pool of days. So- if you take a sick day you’re actually losing a vacation day.

I call this The No Fun Zone.

You see, I’d rather come to work with mucous running uncontrollably out of my left nostril, hacking up loogies (ha ha- how do you spell “loogies??”) the size of a Christmas ham, and sneezing on every open surface available than use one of my general leave days to call in sick.

My coworkers love me.

Okay- I’ll be honest- I’m not fond of people who come to work sick either. 

My left eye begins to twitch at the thought of Mr. Accountant handing me damp papers full of remnants of his last sneeze. 

“GO HOME!! YOU’RE INFECTING THE ENTIRE OFFICE!” I want to yell.

However, I can sort of empathize with Mr. Accountant, because really- who wants to blow a vacation day when you’re sick!? You want to blow a vacation day when you’re on-

VACATION.

What an idea, right?

So- I have become the person I hate.

The come-to-work-sick-employee.

Shudder.

The truth is- most of us are the come-to-work-sick-employees. It’s like a race to see who can get rid of their ailments the fastest.

It’s the “If I’m miserable, I’m bringing everyone down with me” mentality.

Like a game.

I’m not kidding.

“Oh hi Jane! How are you (hack, hack, hack)?”

Two days later and Jane is down with a cold and Sam has made a full recovery.

I’ve found wet, snotty tissues “misplaced” on my desk the other day.

HA- I know what you’re trying to do Mr. Finance! You’re trying to bring me down!

You’re trying to hold me back.

You’re trying to stick it to the (wo)MAN!

I’m on to you- I see how you play.

Work is no longer just about getting the job done.

It’s about survival.

Survival I say!

It’s as though we’re being broadcast on Animal Planet and the terrifying mother Cheetah Cold Virus Middle Manager is hunting for her helpless gazelle Administrative Assistant.

It’s a perpetual relay race of Passing The Cold.

And sadly- I lost.

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that donut randomly lying on my desk.

That was a rookie mistake!

Anyway…

Because I took 3 weeks off for the cruise in August I’m in mega (I mean MEGA) vacation debt. I think it will be like 5 years before I’m back to “0” and finally accruing general leave hours again. However, thankfully I was able to purchase 4 days this year- you know just incase I catch a cold want to leave the state of Oklahoma at some point this year.

4 days.

FOUR DAYS.

For the entire year.

The entire year.

So-

Unfortunately I caught the aforementioned (and stricken) cold.

Because of The Random Donut

HOWEVER-

I’ll be darned (yes- that’s right DARNED) if I’m going to use one of my purchased days off to recover.

So I’ve been snotting, and hacking, and choking all over myself (and anyone in a 7 foot radius). I’ve had tears streaming down my face in attempts to hold back coughing fits. I sound like Death and/or Satan when I speak because my voice is so low and throaty and sickly and deathly.

I’m also a JOY to be around.

Really- I am.

I’ve tried my best to avoid what I call the Damp Paper Handoff as mentioned earlier. I mean- you gotta set limits, right? While I may have lost this maniacal game of Pass The Cold- I honestly have no desire to bring anyone down with me.

With my luck I’d get it right back and end up using the last of my vacation days shaking on my couch in a feverish stupor.

Nice.

So- here’s to a speedy recovery-

and a nice, long, four day vacation somewhere fun.

Or not…

Tag- you’re it!

Talking points.

When you hear that statement don’t you think about about being responsible to lead a painful long meeting?

That’s sort of what I think.

Don’t worry- these talking points don’t require you to do any thinking, and I’ll try my best not to make this post too painful.

Here we go.

1.Okay you guys cracked me the crap up on my last post. Thank you for the laughs, I needed them. When did you guys get so funny?

2. Why is Grissom leaving CSI? Doesn’t Grissom realize he IS CSI!? CSI-Grissom= Nothing. Do you want me to go on about this subject?

...

I’m guessing no.

3. Before we entirely get off the subject of TV shows I enjoy- can I simply tell you how FREAKING HILARIOUSLY THRILLED Will and I are that Jack is back? 24 is so amazing. If you’ve never seen it you can no longer talk to me until you’re watched every.single.amazing.season. I’m not kidding (okay we can still talk but I’ll secretly think in my head that you’re not an American and have never watched TV). The first season is sort of slow but even it is good. Very exciting stuff. We cleared the whole evening for this show. Unplugged the phone, locked the kids in the closet, ignored Will’s mom standing outside the door… (what- is that wrong?)

4. I miss my sister. A lot. And it sucks. A lot. You guys are getting off WAY easy. This is usually so one of those boo-hoo bleeding heart type posts.

5. The ladies in my office are doing the funnest.thing.ever (no silly, we’re not going to Vegas- how great would that be, though!?). We’re doing this secret pal thing in which we each drew a name and for the next month will be someone’s secret pal. We’ll leave notes, little gifts, etc. Just little secret encouraging things for our pal. How fun is that? It’s the little things that thrill me, apparently.

6. Speaking of work, why can’t I just freaking be a millionaire? Really? I think this to myself every single day. Does anyone else?

7. Is EVERYONE in America sick? Why are we all sick? I’m snotting all over myself, my throat is yucky. I was trying so hard not to cough in a meeting today that my eyes started to water and I literally started crying all over myself- just out of my left eye. Random.

8. I’m taking my Christmas tree down this weekend. Yes- you read that right. Will and I suck. We were going to take it down last weekend, but well- we were in mourning, as you can probably understand. How awful is that? Truly? Talking point #8 deserves its own post, but not today.

9. I love my husband. I really, really do. I don’t tell you guys enough how great he is. He is so helpful to me and knows me so well. Did you know he occasionally reads my blog? Will, are you reading? Hi honey!

10. I had brussels sprouts for dinner. I <3 brussels sprouts. Who doesn’t, right? (ha ha) The trouble is that it way smells bad in our house now. Yay.

Okay- that’s enough. After all, we’re talking about little cabbages. Hope you’re having a great week! More to come (and let’s hope no more talking points)

Everyone kept telling me how “dead” it would be at work this week.

They were lying pieces of crap.

Who are getting coal for Christmas, I’m sure.

Oh- and by the way- I had quite possibly the most HILARIOUS POST EVER EVER EVER written last night,

and then my internet locked up and died.

I’m pretty sure the internet is getting coal for Christmas as well.

The world will never get to see my masterpiece…

tears…

Here’s to hoping tomorrow is actually quiet as promised,

and here’s to hoping I can recreate yesterday’s post…

Let’s face it though-

You can’t redo perfection right?

Sigh.

(ha ha)

Talk to you guys soon. Merry Christmas Eve Eve!

This weekend was one of the best ones I’ve had in a long time-

and it’s partly due to my work Christmas party!

Who would have thought, right?

I have so much to chat about today- are you ready to sit for a while?

Good.

So Friday was my big work Christmas party (see the below post).

Guys- I had a freaking blast. I came thinking it would be alright, but it turned out to be so much fun.

As expected I saw some funny dancing- to include our vice president! I loved it. People were totally getting down. It was too funny. I sat by my boss and another girl I work with and we had a good time.

By the way- who decides to play musical chairs three hours into an adult Christmas party where 95% of the attendees have been drinking?

Crazy people, that’s who!

I must say, though- it was pretty funny.

I somehow got roped into being one of the players. I only made it two rounds.

I blame my high heels. My feet were killing me by the end of the night.

I don’t think Will had as much fun as I did.

Wait.

I know Will didn’t have as much fun as me, but I guess that’s because I know these people and Will didn’t.

Anyway- it was a lot of fun, and yes, I will be laughing on the inside when I see some of my coworkers tomorrow morning.

Yesterday was just as much fun.

We went to dinner with Ross and Rachel followed by going to a Christmas play at their church, so that was nice.

After the play we came home and watched the Heisman Presentation (we DVRed it. I love that thing.)!

As you can imagine, we were stoked to see Bradford win.

Stoked.

I think “Stoked” needs to be added to my running list of stupid words I’m not allowed to say anymore…

Anyway- we were very excited to see Bradford win (How’s that? Better than stoked?).

As you can see from my Flickr pictures, we had a good night. I’m partial to the one of me and Rachel doing the Heisman pose. Don’t ask me how we ended up in my belly dancing skirts. I don’t remember. I do remember it was funny though.

Can I blame it on the fact that we were so happy about Bradford winning the Heisman that it impaired our judgement? I’m going to go with that.

This year has been so freaking fun to be a Sooner fan. Just thinking about it gets me fired up. The last home game- against Tech- was freaking amazing. I’m so excited for the National Championship.

Wait.

Did I tell you guys I’m going?

I know most of you don’t care about football- but as you know, Will is highly obsessed, and now that we’re back in the states it’s only worse.

Anyway, because of our season tickets we qualified for four season tickets through the school so we didn’t have to pay outrageous prices so that was very exciting!

So- Ross and Rachel are going with us to the big dance! I’m so freaking excited, and now having Bradford as the Heisman winner makes it that much sweeter.

We spent a week in Miami in February of 2007, and I figured that’d be the only time we’d be there. Now we’re heading back!

Sigh- I want to go on, but I realize you don’t care, so I’ll shut up.

I’m sure you’ll be hearing more in time…

After the game we celebrated which was oddly enough followed by a 1:00 am game of Scrabble.

Random.

Oh and just for my own odd benefit- let me tell you what a freaking cow I was last night!

We had leftover pizza from dinner so I ended up eating like 2 pieces of that at like 10:30, followed up with a Reeces Christmas Tree,

(sidebar- have you guys had those yet? They’re freaking AMAZING. They’re like the Easter egg ones. I love those things. They’re way better than the regular ones because the annoying ridged chocolate doesn’t get in the way.)

3 (or 4… I can’t really remember) regular Reeces- because apparently I WANT to be fat,

chips (Reduced Fat!… although… I think after about 2 cups it doesn’t really matter...)

a peanut butter sandwich,

and Cheetos.

MOO.

No amount of working out will undo that carnage.

BOO.

I’ll sure try at the gym tomorrow, though, guys- I promise.

Sorry- I just felt the need to unload my weekend fatness on you. I generally share this information with my sister, but she’s asleep right now, so you guys have to suffer now.

Sorry.

Anyway, we had a really good Saturday night too. In my life it’s not very common that I have two nights of big fun. A party, a play, Scrabble!? Too much fun to handle! (ha ha- I’m kidding about the Scrabble part)

Wow. I realize you guys probably could care less about:

“What I Did This Weekend!” - a short story by Brittny

However, I figured I ought to use my blog to chronicle certain things I want to remember so I can look back and, well, remember them! So- sorry for the lame post.

More (less boring crap) to come…

What did you do this weekend? 

So the tree is up and all is sparkly and shiny and well in my world.

I even bought a box of Christmas cards. Watch out! I’m a mad woman.

I should say that Will bought a box of Christmas cards- stipulating we were only sending one box and one box only. He went to The Dollar Tree (only the best for my family!) and picked it out himself.

“It was between a box that had Cars on the front, a cartoon nativity scene, and a ‘real looking’ nativity scene.

I opted for the cartoon scene. That way at least some of my personality gets to come out in these stupid things.”

Nice.

Honestly? I don’t blame him. I doubt we even use the whole box. We’re just doing the “big branches” on the family tree this year, nothing else. So yeah- if by chance you’re somehow related to me (oh dear God please no! Please don’t be reading my blog!) and are not a big branch- no hard feelings, okay?

So- that’s the update on our Christmas planning. We’re the best.planners.ever! (ha ha)

So all this tree and card and lights crap has got me all spirited and ready for the coming weeks,

And most of all,

tomorrow’s work Christmas party.

I know you probably think it’s so lame to be excited for such a thing, but seriously,

I am.

I so am.

There’s something about the quintessential “work Christmas party” that has me all giddy.

Firstly because of the fact that our company in Kuwait did absolutely nothing for their employees,

But mainly because I look forward to watching all my coworkers get drunk and make idiots of themselves on the dance floor.

Nothing quite says “Merry Christmas Team!” like watching your meek Vice Director of I Have No Idea do the robot on an empty dance floor.

Am I right? 

There’s something about a work Christmas party that brings out the best and worst in your coworkers- or at least I imagine it so.

You get to see that quiet, shy girl outside of the office and find out she’s not nearly as quiet as you thought she was- and she has an obsession with marshmallow fluff just like you!

You get to file away yet another tick mark on your mental white board regarding the guy that is forever staring at women’s breasts and is just one more trashy website surf away from losing his job.

You get to see your boss a little looser and more comfortable and more open.

And then there’s the aforementioned dancing.

That alone could be a whole post.

In fact, depending on how tomorrow night goes, it just might be.

What is it about Christmas parties that makes people think their abysmal dancing somehow turned GREAT overnight? The world may never know.

Oh- and the drinking. One must not forget the drinking.

The thought of seeing these people- some of which are really uptight at work- all slurry and warm and “I LOVE YOU MAN! You’re an integirl… wait… You’re an integer… &$%!.. You’re really really important to this team…

I gotta puke.”

Weirds me out a bit-

And makes me erupt into laughter at the same time.

Will’s theory on this whole issue is to conduct a swoop, doop, and loop (is that what it’s called? Rachel said it in the car the other night and I thought it was too funny)- get in, say hello, eat dinner, and jet.

I’m fine and supportive of this idea, however I do hope we stay long enough to see some of these people get a little carried away on the dance floor.

If we can leave somewhere in between the Cha Cha Slide and our 84 year-old office secretary making out with the mail clerk in the corner, I’ll consider it a good night.

I think the funniest part of all may not even be the actual party itself…

It’s having to look those same people in the eye on Monday, trying to keep a straight face when in reality all you’re thinking about is how much his dancing reminded you of 8th grade English class when that kid had a seizure.

Good times.

Merry Christmas Team!

"You’ve been working way too much this week.”

“I know. It’s been really crazy. I’m really ready for a break this weekend. Although, I’ll still have a few hours of work to do Saturday too. I decided to take a break tonight. I left my computer at work and have made time just for you.”

“Why don’t you use tonight to get some things done so you won’t have to work as much this weekend?”

“Good idea.”

...

2 hours later and I have done the following:

-checked my personal email
-updated my facebook status
-wrote on my sister’s facebook wall
-listened to trance music live online
-checked my blog (blew the dust off the front page… it’s been a few days since I last logged in)
-checked other blogs

Oh-

-and checked my work email.

Needless to say I will be doing a little work this weekend.

In my defense, I had not done any of those things since Saturday. I’ve been a busy girl!

Totally justified, right?

What can I say- I missed you guys.

My brain is mushy this week. Too much writing at work has affected my ability to switch into blog writing mode- unless of course you want to hear about various laws and rules and deadlines. Then I’ve got a host to share.

...

I figured you wouldn’t be interested.

More to come soon (and less mushy work brain!)

Okay so I basically get dressed in the dark on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I get up at 430 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to meet my friend at the gym, so by the time I get home on those days I’m very alert and conscious of bad apparel decisions. Tuedays and Thursdays, however go like this:

Set alarm for 6:20

Alarm goes off

Hit Snooze.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Finally decide, “Who am I kidding? Am I really going to get up now?”

Decide that I’m not.

Set alarm for 7:00.

It’s at this point, 7:00, that I get up and begin to rush and panic and think to myself, “What an idiot! Why would I get up so late!?”

Today was no different. I rushed around to get ready- spray ironed my clothes, took my rollers out in the car, and drove like a bat out of hell to get to work.

Classy lady.

That’s me.

Today, however, was not a good decision to sleep so late. Today we had a meeting with our customers- people I’ve spoken with several times but never formally met.

So explain to me why- why- I wore a sweater without the cami that MUST go underneath it to make it long enough and work appropriate.

Why?

And why- why- did I wear a sea foam green thong today that continually threatened to make an appearance as if to say (in a friendly British accent, of course- because that’s the language of all thongs), “Hello Mates!”

Why?

This whole morning was spent tugging, pulling, and grabbing at my shirt to ensure no sea foam thong peekage would occur.

I’m pretty sure I focused more on my sweater than I did the actual meeting.

What a tacky, tacky look.

I think all is well, and I’m pretty sure I’ve stretched my sweater to the point that it’s a mini dress, but I’d rather be wearing a mini dress than a ridiculous top that’s too short!

What a morning. Perhaps I’ll get up at 6:55 next time…