Or Agony.

But really- aren’t they one in the same?

Oh- and sorry to all you auditors out that that may read this. I know it’s your job and it’s helpful to us and all that crap- but seriously?- audits suck.

And I’m sure you hear that all the time.

P says I should be glad I’m having a work audit and not a life audit. She says scientologists have life audits or something like that.

Is that true?

I’m pretty sure I would fail a life audit.

It would go something like this:

Have you been diligent to stay below your alloted fat and calorie intake on a daily basis?

(silence)

Have you helped old ladies across the street?

(silence)

Have you read all the Harry Potter books?

(silence)

Have you read any of the Harry Potter books?

(silence)

Have you made sure not to daydream about famous actors such as Orlando Bloom or James Franco?

(silence)

Do you know who the Secretary of Agricultural Relational Studies and Law is? (ha ha)

(silence)

Yeah… pretty sure I would fail a life audit. Although, I thought of a ton of freaking hilarious questions that may have come up during this life audit of mine- only to avoid you guys thinking I’m a total wack-o I kept it mild.

So, there you have it. Getting audited- but thankfully not life audited.

Hope you guys are having a good week!

P:I just read your blog. I’m pleased to hear you were wearing underwear.

Me:Yeah- I was just going to direct you there. It was bad. I felt all dent-y and fat all day.

P:Believe me he wasn’t looking at that. He hasn’t seen young a** like that in 30 years. You just gave him his Father’s Day early.

***

Coworker:You should have just played it off and talked about it- making everyone else uncomfortable too! You should have been all, “Hey Mother-in-law- I didn’t mean to leave you out! I guess you need to see too!” and then pretend to lift your skirt.

HA HA

Yeah- I can just imagine how that would have went over with Pat.

Fun times. Just thought I’d share because both these comments cracked me up.

Watching “Jon and Kate” right now. I think they’re announcing their divorce tonight. I know we’re outsiders looking in, and we only see a portion of their life, but anybody have opinions on this situation?

More to come <3

Me: It’s so humid today and I’m at the gym and it’s so busy and I’m sweating uncontrollably! I’m pouring! I’m so embarrassed.

P: Brittny, do you want to make me angry? 1. You went to the gym. 2. It’s humid which gives the effect of a sauna. So it’s like you worked out double. So jealous!

-We’re now the proud owners of a “new” 2001 Ford pick-up truck. It only has 48,000 miles on it, so it doesn’t seem as old when you think of it that way. Plus Will is in Heaven now that he finally has a truck to drive again.

-My boss sent me and my coworker flowers Friday. You can see pictures of how beautiful they are on my Flickr. It totally brightened my day.

-We’re really enjoying hearing Dave Ramsey’s sermons (see below). I think we might take the plunge and do the 13 week study too.

-P is moving back home (home as in Kuwait) this semester. I will tell you more soon. Actually hopefully she will tell you more soon. I’m trying to get her to guest blog sometime next week.

-Our Sooners have done well thus far during March madness. There’s still a lot to play, but hopefully make it another round or two! Oh and hey- I’m not sucking all that much in our bracket competition either!

-I’m headed down to Texas on a day trip this week. I’m sort of excited about it but at the same time sort of dreading it because of how late I’ll get home plus all the work I’ll have to catch up on

-We’re going to another Thunder game this week, so that should be fun. You can’t beat $10 cheap seats, right!?

-Have I mentioned I love, love, love daylight saving’s time? Please dear God don’t let them take this away from us. This will be the first time in three years to experience a full daylight savings time and I’m so excited about it.

-I have this awful and intense desire to make a cake, and I have no.idea.why. Please don’t let me make one (but I probably will :( ).

-There’s just not much else going on right now- and I’m actually okay with that.

Have a lovely day! You know- because Mondays are always lovely. 

The following is an “everyday,” typical email exchange with my sister. My emails are in bold, hers are regular.I realize the fat talk gets old after a while, but I promise we switch topics from Panamanian prisons, to calculating tips, to even our own reality show during this conversation- so hang with me.These took place on two different days, but they flowed so well I lumped them together. Let the madness begin...

I just ate a whole pint of chocolate ice cream.

And it wasn’t even GOOD ice cream.

I think that that calls for me to use the elliptical tomorrow for the first time since last summer. I feel like I should celebrate this red-faced, sweaty momentous occasion with a donut or something.

**

Ha ha. I just had a large Java Chiller from Sonic- which is basically a whole pint of chocolate ice cream with a hint of coffee. I didn’t go to the gym at all this weekend and I had olive garden WITH dessert yesterday.

Fat.

**

Ughhh I KNOW. And- ugh i just don’t want to go back to school. I say we quit talking crap and book the tickets.

PS- I hope your Olive Garden dessert was good.

**

It was. Black tie. Yum. Plus I had fettuccine (um how in the world do people expect you to know how to spell that!?) which- well- you know how amazing that is.

I’m so all about booking tickets and starting some adventurous life. We could open up a flower store...wait- I suck at keeping things alive. It’s a miracle that Boz and Lucy are still here.

...

We’ll sort all the logistics out when we get there. Although “fat,” I’m sure some Panamanian would love to give us a job at Panama Jacks waitressing. The only trouble is that I would suck at getting proper change and would most likely get us fired in a hurry.

**

Ha, that’s SO TRUE. Somehow the tip would be like “10% of 100” or something. Then we would get charged with embezzlement for taking an extra 80 dollars. Then wind up in Panamanian prison. Which wouldn’t be all bad, considering we could be the Scolfield’s. I definitely get Lincoln.

I’m sorry I can’t type properly, my fingers are so huge, swollen, and fat from the dairy I just consumed.

A flower shop would be nice! We could go the simple route an own a cafe, and employ Panamaniann business students (who know how to calculate tips so we wouldn’t be
getting screwed).

Are you at work?

**

We are so resourceful- your plan is brilliant! Actually- I used to think we sucked at being resourceful but then we went on the cruise and functioned totally fine in like 19 cities. I know for sure we’ll kick butt on amazing race one day.

I’m sort of at work. It’s been a really annoying weekend. Long story. I’m actually at home. I’m going to clean the bathroom. I could call you and put you onspeaker while we devised our master plan- and cleaned my bathrooms. What do you think? Actually, I’ll delay the bathroom cleaning and talk to you a little longer.

I’m having 2 PB sandwiches for lunch. Why do I feel nostalgic all of a sudden? Like I need a blue mat to nap on and a carton of milk??

**

My favorite food ever. I decided a while back that if I was living on a deserted island alone for the rest of my life, peanut butter and/or reeses would DEFINITELY be my food of choice. Seeing as I wouldn’t have to worry about all the saturated fat I was consuming since I would never see anyone ever again, it works. What about you?

**

That is hilarious- and a very valid point. I think I would go with that too, or perhaps pasta. I could eat loads and loads and if I was able to take different sauces too (which is something I assume you have to negotiate in when preparing to go to a deserted island forever...) I’d be set for life.

And saucy.

And happy.

When do you leave for Kuwait?

**

I leave on your anniversary. Thank the Lord. Its been 3 weeks since I was there last and I feel like it’s been too long. How could anyone possibly think I like it here? AHHHH I need to start this Panamanian flower shop business ASAP.

**

We ought to make a countdown to the semester’s end and you move back. Seriously. What’s you’re last day of school? How fun would that be!? I could make the first half and you could make the 2nd half. We wouldn’t have to make it a chain or anything, but just something you could pull off and throw away.

Wow- what a tacky Martha Stewart thing. Plus I doubt either of us are that motivated (but we should be! We should make it and love it!).

I have absolutely nothing to count down to. Wow- how depressing, right? Maybe my next 3 day weekend? I guess I could do that one…

The chain reminds me of the one in Mareena Towers. As crazy as it sounds, when I look back that summer was pretty fun

(Just FYI- if you’re curious you can read about this time during the summer of 2005 archives)

**
Oh my gosh me too. It was the weirdest time of my life, such a crazy transition period. I have a playlist for that summer titled “MIA” for 2 reasons: 1) we never left that apartment 2) M.I.A’s “bucky done gun” was a very integral part of that summer hahaha. But yeah, it’s so so bittersweet to think about that. It’s the last time we’ll have ever lived together under one roof.

**

I think we should SERIOUSLY send these back and forth emails to someone, plus our goofy videos and make them make us famous. We should have a reality show about creating our Panamanian flower shop. ha ha. How great would that be? Plus highly entertaining. Seriously- I’m in need of that. People are so fickle. Family is forever..

**

OMG YES, a reality show about the making of our new life. Do you know how well that would work? We could start this season while we’re still apart, so it would mainly focus on the emails. And then we could start season 2 when we’re in the same country and ahhhhhhh tiny orgasm, I think viewers would LOVE US. You live in America, the land of endless possibilities- make it happen!

**

sidenote- her email above makes me laugh every singly time. Tiny orgasm HAHAHAHA...

Seriously- I’m literally laughing out loud right now. It’s a little embarrassing and I’m glad everyone is gone to lunch.

**

Sorry to disregard your last email, but I blame you for the fact that I just consumed 7 servings of peanut butter with honey since you reminded me of peanut butter, which then reminded me that I still had some in my cupboard, and BOOO, NO ALLI.

Haha anyways, seriously? Will you PLEASE look into a director? Because even if we get one season and they hate us, we’ll still get a book deal (uh, you can write it) and then a few endorsements. OH! MAYBE WE CAN BE THE NEW FACE OF ALLI. I love it.

**

Very good and valid points. Okay so I assume you’re about to go to bed. Oh- and want to know something funny? I had no idea that we sprang (sprung HAHA springed? I have no idea...) forward this weekend. dad had to tell me. Too funny. Anyway- that means we’ll be an hour closer now so that’s really great!

Alright, I’m off to file some stuff. I’ll be in constant contact with you tomorrow. Have a good night and talk to you tomorrow!

**

Wait, ugh, I have no idea how many hours apart we’ve been this whole time. I usually just say 8, wherever I am in the world. “Oh you’re in Kenya, great, only 8 hours away!” “You’re in St.Petersburg, brilliant,. 12 your time, 8 my time” ……I never usually think there’s any other time in between. Please tell me we’ve always been 8 hours apart since I moved.

**

Just so you know- I’m lying when I tell you this- yes, we are 8 hours apart. I’m such a good sister, right?

<3

I know what you’re thinking.

I have a problem.

A drug problem.

That there is no such thing as “recreational” drug use.

That after one hit of Alli there is no going back.

You feel the high of controlling your fat intake because you’re terrified of crapping yourself,

the rush of oily farts as you think to yourself, “ Ohhh yeeahh, I am so addicted to this stuff. I <3 greasy gas."

You're right- that's exactly how it happened. Exactly how I became addicted.

It was that glamorous.

Okay not really-

after the first time I ate an order of mozzarella sticks, four cheese tortellini, half a loaf of bread, and a giant chunk of cheesecake I thought to myself, "I'll just take this one time."

One try won't hurt, right?

Before I knew it I was up to a three pill a day habit, figuring out when I was going to get my next fix. What I was going to eat- how much fat was involved....

trying to explain to Will how the hell the toilet was stained OSU orange…

before I knew it I was out of control!

P and I split a bottle- driving to every single Walgreens and CVS pharmacy trying to get our next fix- only we couldn't find any.

We began shaking and experiencing uncontrollable sweating and hallucinating- we were so addicted that we even drove to another city to secure another bottle of these little fat loss miracles.

As we split a "starter pack," ensuring we threw away the evidence in a dumpster three blocks away I felt a sense of peace. The shakes and scary flying goblins left my mind and I felt like myself again.

It was at this point- after driving to another city- that I realized I had a problem and I needed help.

Or maybe it was when P and I began to run low on our stash and actually contemplated cutting the pills open and using a credit card to separate the pills to get two hits out of one.

It could have also been at the point in which P and I turned the noun Alli into a verb- "Are you going to Alli after you eat that cheese pizza?"

"Are you going to Alli after scarfing down those three donuts?"

"We should probably Alli if we're going to eat these giant hamburgers at 1 AM."

Yeah, that might have been my low point.

My name is Brittny and I have an Alli-ing problem.

Not to be confused with the Alli side effects:

(sidenote: um- that’s pretty much freaking hilarious)

Yeah- it was at that point in which I decided I needed to get a hold of myself. Eating an occasional cheeseburger was far more desireable than crapping one’s self. Right?

I thought so too.

So, I got a hold of myself and became a “recreational” Alli user. It’s a lot easier to control- I’ll tell you that much! (ha ha!)

So there you have it- my drug problem and how I became a “recreational” user.

Anything weighing you down (if so- maybe you should “Alli")? Go ahead and share!

Today Miss P begins her last year as a teenager.

Gosh- that now seems like quite a while ago for me!

Happy birthday my love. Can you believe this is the first birthday we’ll spend apart from each other? How much does that suck right?

Don’t worry- I’ll still eat like a cow in your honor-

and complain about it for 3 hours afterward-

in your honor, of course.

I miss you a ton and so wish I could celebrate with you.

I’m holding your present ransom until you come see me.

Okay- I’m lying. I’ll send it to mom and dad’s.

You are my kindred spirit and I love you so so much. Today is definietly a BadGal Mascara day- and perhaps the new Chanel Chance? Definitely. In fact- I think I’ll wear those things for your day too!

I miss you. The Village or Bust.

Since I still have her gift in the states I infiltrated her email account with literally like 15 different birthday cards. ha ha I’m hilarious.

Given that P is one of the three readers that frequent my blog- she is sure to see this post. Don’t forget to wish her a Happy 19- and offer lots of last year teenager advice.

My last year of teenagedom advice is don’t get too hasty to be out of your teens. Enjoy putting the “teen” on the end of your age this last year. Oh- and don’t date boys your age. “Teen” may be good for you but notsomuch for them. ha ha

Love you <3

It’s after 9:00 on a “gym night” which means I need to be in bed. I tend to be fairly dedicated about getting up to go to the gym in what I like to call “the middle of the night,” however lately what I like to call “fatness” has gotten the best of me.

Ha ha “quotations.” They’re so funny.

And annoying.

Anyway-

Will has been going with me in the morning too, so that’s been nice.

Okay- actually he’s been with me like twice- but still- I count it as a victory.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, right?

If I keep making trifles and candy bar cookies and 27,000 calorie cake we might be forced to live life from a queen size bed in which we take turns rolling each other over so as to avoid bedsores.

Nice.

Something about moving home has brought out the domestic goddess in me-

Where has she been all my life!?

Okay- so I’m exaggerating.

A lot.

I don’t have any creativity inside of me.

I will say, however, that moving back has brought out the desire to cook- which is good and bad.

Good: This morning I made myself a fresh fruit smoothie

Bad: I made a trifle that weighed 6 pounds.

Do you know how long one would have to be on an elliptical to burn that crap off?

We’re not talking minutes.

Think hours.

Like- I was 25 when I got on this thing and will be 26 when I get off.

But that doesn’t seem to stop me.

My willpower is like that of a bloodhound being let loose in a meat locker.

(that means I don’t have any)

Anyway- I don’t feel as large since I know I’ll be going to the gym in the morning.

Because we’re “easing” Will into the gym, I’ve been gracious enough to forego my usual hour and a half workout for just one hour. I figure I’ll do an hour of cardio tomorrow and an hour of weights the next day. I hate not doing both- but oh well.

…

And wow- I just realized what a boring post this has becoming.

Or always was.

I would apologize, but then I think to myself, “I’m soooo entitled to a boring piece of crap post every now and again (cough- or every third day…).” It’s not easy thinking up interesting crap to share!

But you guys already know that.

Okay- if you’re still hanging with me, here’s a story I’ll share.

P hates working out.

She hates working out because it makes her face red.

And she sweats.

How dare someone sweat at the gym- right!?

Anyway- I made her workout with me on the cruise several times.

Sort of.

She loved every minute of it.

Ha.

I will say, though- she did overcome her fear of “gym-ing.”

Sort of.

So one day we go to the gym and it’s really busy- and full of cute boys.

I get there and start getting ready to work out and P has like this huge conniption fit.

Like she wants to scratch my eyes out and disown me as her sister.

She refuses to work out and (with her phone in hand) says the following all flustered:

“I left my phone in the room, Britt!

I have to go! I have to get my phone! I have to go, Britt!”

She darts and goes back to the room.

For someone that hates working out- she sure can sprint.

I’m not lying- the girl hates working out in front of a crowd.

Huh.

It was hilarious when it happened. I could see the stress in her eyes at the thought of working out with a crowd. I thought she was going to have a panic attack.

Reading it here? Isn’t as funny. Oh well. I always like telling P stories. They’re fun.

Speaking of- I think I might share a secret with you guys about me and P sometime soon.

(Private to P: do you think we should tell them about The Village? Not for them to come and screw things up- but just so that they’re aware? Perhaps you can share when you guest write for me next week)

Anyway- back to the matter at hand (if there really is a matter at hand)- the gym.

Here are a few things you should be listening to while you’re there (well- this is what I am listening to right now anyway):

-Mindcircus By Way Out West- (download the version that’s on Tiesto’s In Search of Sunrise 3 cd. It’s the Gabriel & Dresden Mix)
-Open You Eyes should follow Mindcircus. It’s the next song on the In Search of Sunrise cd. That’s one thing I love about working out to trance, it all flows together so you’re always keeping the same pace

Actually- just buy it all.

All of the In Search of Sunrise cds.

That will save me a ton of time…

-Nothing But You (Club Mix), Paul Van Dyk

-This Time (Klass Remix), DJ Antoine

Okay.

That’s enough.

I’m sure I’ve lulled you to sleep- and I need to do the same.

Those calories don’t burn themselves.

…

Or something like that…

So the last two days have been entertaining blasts from the past. Today we’re going to tone it down a bit.

I know- I’m disappointed too (not).

Among other things (ie: spilling the baby plans ) Jessica suggested I write about how P is doing in school-

and I thought that was quite possibly the best.idea.ever!

P decided to pursue a degree in hotel management. Her experiences abroad have given her the desire to travel for the rest of her life and work in a growing industry that gives her the opportunity ahd flexibility to go wherever she wants! I think it’s awesome.

Why didn’t I think of that 8 years ago when I was entering college!?!

Anyway, it appears as though her current plan has changed and she will stay at her current university for a couple years, and then she will finish her degree elsewhere.

I keep trying to get her to come to Oklahoma. OSU just started a program for hotel management.

She’s not biting.

I don’t understand why…

Anyway, her school is so so so awesome! P- you really must guest post while you’re back in Kuwait next month! The people need to know the truth! ha ha

She is getting a BS, and along with the normal boring “basic” classes she has fun classes like kitchen!

Although- I’m pretty sure she doesn’t think of Kitchen Class as “fun.”

Their final exam is like a bad episode of Hell’s Kitchen. She had to cook a three course meal in like 12 minutes and serve it all fancy.

Okay- so I’m exagerrating about the time, but it was pretty astonishing when she told me about it.

She also gets to learn about wine and fine dining and she has to be able to speak another language fluently before graduating.

She speaks French.

And I love her for it.

Guys- when did my kid sister get so totally way cooler than me!?

Sigh…

Anyway, her school is freaking awesome and it makes me want to Freaky Friday our lives for a week.

I’m joking.

Actually, really- I’m not.

I saved the best part for last!

I got a random phone call from P a week ago at like 5:55 to tell me she had received the hotel she was assigned to work in for 2 weeks during this one special part of their class.

Ha ha- like how technical I am?

I’m sure P can clear things up for us and make me sound more coherent.

Anyway- you’ll never guess where she is going to be working!

Guess!

Hint- we stayed there in the Spring of 2006.

We took goofy pictures like this

this

and this

have you guessed yet?

Actually- aside from like three of you, has anyone even been reading my blog since 2006?

I’m thinking no.

So I better just tell you!

She’ll be working at the Burj Al Arab!

One of the nicest hotels in the world.

I’m pretty sure after adding that to her resume, it will be like a blank check and she’ll be able to intern wherever the crap she wants.

It’s sort of funny- back in 2006 while we were there we were served this:

and now it will be served by this:

Knife included, of course.

We had beautiful flowers in our room like this:

and now they’ll be arranged by this:

Okay, so I won’t be participating in the flower fun- just P.

I simply wanted to be in the picture because I want to pretend that I am.

(um- remember the living vicariously through my sister thing?)

And wow- my hair was really blonde.

And wow, P’s hair was really blonde too.

Sorry, I went darker this past weekend and am sort of missing the look of “blonde blonde.”

But this post isn’t about me, is it?

Moving on-

P is doing great in school. I’m really proud of her and so excited for all her opportunities.

I’m pretty sure after working at a place like the Burj she won’t be making any plans to attend OSU’s school of Hotel Managment (I still don’t understand why!… ha ha).

Kindred spirits are never very far apart, so I don’t worry so much about was the future holds.

I’m really proud of my sister and am so happy she’s found something she enjoys and loves.

P- you really must guest post when you’re home next week. I’m sure I speak for most of my blog friends when I say your life is far more interesting than ours and it would be fun to hear how school is going!

Does that come off desperate? I’m thinking it does…

Oh well.

So there you have it, P’s school update.

I hope you guys are having a wonderful day!

More to come.

Talking points.

When you hear that statement don’t you think about about being responsible to lead a painful long meeting?

That’s sort of what I think.

Don’t worry- these talking points don’t require you to do any thinking, and I’ll try my best not to make this post too painful.

Here we go.

1.Okay you guys cracked me the crap up on my last post. Thank you for the laughs, I needed them. When did you guys get so funny?

2. Why is Grissom leaving CSI? Doesn’t Grissom realize he IS CSI!? CSI-Grissom= Nothing. Do you want me to go on about this subject?

...

I’m guessing no.

3. Before we entirely get off the subject of TV shows I enjoy- can I simply tell you how FREAKING HILARIOUSLY THRILLED Will and I are that Jack is back? 24 is so amazing. If you’ve never seen it you can no longer talk to me until you’re watched every.single.amazing.season. I’m not kidding (okay we can still talk but I’ll secretly think in my head that you’re not an American and have never watched TV). The first season is sort of slow but even it is good. Very exciting stuff. We cleared the whole evening for this show. Unplugged the phone, locked the kids in the closet, ignored Will’s mom standing outside the door… (what- is that wrong?)

4. I miss my sister. A lot. And it sucks. A lot. You guys are getting off WAY easy. This is usually so one of those boo-hoo bleeding heart type posts.

5. The ladies in my office are doing the funnest.thing.ever (no silly, we’re not going to Vegas- how great would that be, though!?). We’re doing this secret pal thing in which we each drew a name and for the next month will be someone’s secret pal. We’ll leave notes, little gifts, etc. Just little secret encouraging things for our pal. How fun is that? It’s the little things that thrill me, apparently.

6. Speaking of work, why can’t I just freaking be a millionaire? Really? I think this to myself every single day. Does anyone else?

7. Is EVERYONE in America sick? Why are we all sick? I’m snotting all over myself, my throat is yucky. I was trying so hard not to cough in a meeting today that my eyes started to water and I literally started crying all over myself- just out of my left eye. Random.

8. I’m taking my Christmas tree down this weekend. Yes- you read that right. Will and I suck. We were going to take it down last weekend, but well- we were in mourning, as you can probably understand. How awful is that? Truly? Talking point #8 deserves its own post, but not today.

9. I love my husband. I really, really do. I don’t tell you guys enough how great he is. He is so helpful to me and knows me so well. Did you know he occasionally reads my blog? Will, are you reading? Hi honey!

10. I had brussels sprouts for dinner. I <3 brussels sprouts. Who doesn’t, right? (ha ha) The trouble is that it way smells bad in our house now. Yay.

Okay- that’s enough. After all, we’re talking about little cabbages. Hope you’re having a great week! More to come (and let’s hope no more talking points)