My boss said that to me this week.

I signed my life away to one more year here today. I had to get an appraisal and get my leave approved beforehand which required a meeting with my boss. Ugh. Can I just vent before I continue on with this post!?!

Thanks.

Half the people that do contract work take lots of short vacations. The other half hordes their vacation and takes a big, disgustingly long one month trip.

Will and I are hoarders.

When I told my boss we were planning on going home this December for a month, he freaked out.

He’s one of the short vacation guys.

It went all over me. Who is he to decide how I spend my vacations!?!

He told me he’d approve it this time, but not to plan on doing that ever again.

“You either are an expat or you’re not,” he said.

I left, extremely annoyed. His words have been ringing in my ears for the last few days.

You either are an expat or you’re not.

I don’t know what I am.

My first instinct is to say no. I’m not a bonafide expat. I’m simply doing this for a little while but plan on going home and living a normal life.

However, when I think about going home and living a normal life- it terrifies me. Not funny ha ha terrifies me- guys, it really truly scares the dickens out of me.

I know you guys probably think I’m crazy to be scared of going home and having a “normal” life (what is normal anyway?). If Will knew I was writing this he would freak out. See- Will is definitely NOT an expat. No doubt about it and no waivering. He’s a down home country boy that loves good Oklahoma folk, beans and cornbread, and OU football. He is out of his element here. He longs for home and has never thought otherwise. This is truly a temporary assignment for him.

It is for me too… I think.

Will and I touched on it a couple weeks ago when we had the “vomit conversation” I mentioned in Sunday’s post. He asked me if I could do this for a long time since we were able to take month long vacations back home. I told him I had seriously thought about it.  There’s a lot more to what was said, but I’m feeling lazy today.

I think about going home for good and it makes me realize how good we have it here. We’re sort of out of touch with reality. No bills, no taxes, no paying for gas, getting to go on these awesome excursions all over the world and stay in the finest hotels. You guys are going to think I’m COMPLETELY insane, but I also feel extremely safe here. Safer than I do when I’m in America. I know you think I’m a complete lunatic, but it’s the truth (okay, okay- aside from the psycho extremist groups). When we go home that’s all over. We enter The No Fun Zone. It’s back to the reality of paying bills, punching in,being afraid of crazy weirdos, and getting 2 weeks vacation.

Then the other, more spiritual side of me thinks about how I should be storing up my treasures in heaven. That I need to “set my mind on things above and not on earthly things.” Then I think, “Okay. Why am I doing this? Why are we slaving away over here!? We need to be back home doing ministry work and living a ‘normal’ life.”

Sigh.

I know that we’re not supposed to go home yet, as of today that is, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I know we have a ministry here, but at the same time I think about how we could probably be better utilized at home…

Part of me (okay a LOT of me) wishes we could go home and live out “my master plan” which is the best of both worlds. I don’t know if it really is, but it seems to be from where I’m looking.

I feel torn and in some weird, weird way- afraid to leave this life behind one day.

As much as I whine and complain about being here, you know, aside from the heat it hasn’t been bad. It’s allowed us to do things I never thought in my entire life I would ever see or do. We lead an interesting life. Am I ready to give that up? I don’t know.

I never in my wildest dreams thought leaving this behind would ever be difficult, but I’m afraid it’s going to be harder than I think.

Saying all this makes me feel bad. I feel bad because I know Will will have no problem leaving this behind. I know how anxious he is to get out of here, move home, and go to Norman, Oklahoma every Saturday each fall. Why don’t I feel the same way?

Maybe I do… I just don’t know.

You either are an expat or you’re not…

I know we’re not making any big decisions anytime soon, yet my mind continues to wonder about what the future holds for us. During that same “vomit conversation” Will and I had, he astounded me by saying that not only wouldn’t (sorry for the double negative) he be surprised if he was called back to full time youth ministry, but that he could also see himself being a pastor one day.

letting out a huge blood curdling scream

Okay- so I’m jumping the gun 10 years and freaking out about something that isn’t coming around for a long time, but still! Can I please shove a #2 pencil in your eye?

Am I ready for that? Am I prepared to do a total 180? I’m not talking about a 180 with the way I live my life, I’m talking about a 180 with our lifestyle. Going from trips to Jordan or staying at the Burj, to being stuck in smalltown USA cleaning our clothes with a washboard in the river. Am I ready to give this up adventure? I don’t know. I can’t believe I’m freaking saying this crap!! I was always just like Will- ready to get the hell out of here. I don’t know why I’m struggling with this stuff.

I know I need to focus my mind on God’s will for our life. I have no idea why I’m stressing about a decision that doesn’t even need to be made now.

It’s because I’m crazy and in some sick way enjoy worrying about things.

I guess the combination of the vomit conversation and the expat comment really got my mind wandering and thinking about what an adjustment leaving here really will be. It’s brought to light the fact that life here is pretty okay, and I could probably do this contract thing a few more years. Maybe not in Kuwait, but somewhere else.

Want to know something funny? Someone just came in my office and said the exact same thing I just spent an hour writing. She went home for 6 months and ended up coming back because life just seemed different.

Maybe I’m not crazy afterall!

Maybe moving home really will be a dramatic adjustment for me. Maybe I’m not alone in my fears of the culture shock.

So am I an expat?

I don’t know.

I guess time will tell…

Will has this amazing gift of being able to connect with people. Undoubtedly a spiritual gift. There are so many times when I watch Will and think, “Wow! I wish I had that.” I guess that’s why we’re placed together. We fill in the strengths where the other is weak. I don’t know why I feel compelled to share this letter. Perhaps it’s just because reading this email is another reminder of why I love Will so much. Maybe it’s the “PS” at the end that serves as another reminder of a conversation we had last week… I’m not really sure. Nonetheless, this being the Sabbath I thought today would be a good day to post a letter Will wrote to the youth minister that took Will’s place when we left. He’s a young college student. In fact- he was one of Will’s students back in the day! Okay, okay. Enough rambling. I just wanted to share this today. Oh- by the way. Don’t tell Will I did this!

Brian,

I was glad to hear from you.  I meant to write sooner, however your email got buried in my FULL inbox and I simply lost track of time.  You mentioned your dad, how is he doing?  How is your family dealing with his absence?  How much longer will he be deployed?

I totally understand what you are currently dealing with as far as low numbers and what seems like minimal support from the church.  I want you to understand that numbers is NOT the only way to measure success in the ministry.  I am sure you know this, however many times we get trapped in a numbers game that seems to compel everything we do!  After all, when you talk to other ministers what is one of the first questions they ask, “How many people do you run?” Am I right?  This was hard for me to except when I first came to Central.  Remember I came from a much larger youth group, that had an abundance of workers willing to support in seemingly every way imaginable.  The only way I could shake the idea that I was somehow failing because we weren’t running 100 youth in the department was to go to scripture.  Remember Jesus chose 12.  Now we see that as a small number, however Jesus knew that with these 12 he could impact eternity in a mighty, mighty way.  He invested His life into these 12.  He never stopped reaching out to others or trying to draw people in, however He never stopped filling these 12.  I think this should be an example to all of us.  Pour your life into the group you have currently.  Teach them in His ways, so that the core of your group is strong and in turn they will begin to draw others.  Now don’t get me wrong, continue to create programs as outreach; however don’t become so obsessed with numbers that you neglect the ones you have already been given.  You may never know this side of eternity what impact you had on simply ONE life.

I hope in some small way you can take comfort in these very simple words.  Remember I have been where you are and I understand what you are going through.  Contact me at any time, and I will do everything in my abilities to help.  I am proud of the work you are doing, and I KNOW it will have eternal rewards.

In Christ’s ETERNAL Love,
Will

P.S.  I forgot to answer your question about our future plans?  We truly take this ADVENTURE a day at a time.  We have a tentative time table, however we understand God might move us at any moment.  I truly don’t know what God has for my future.  Currently I am where He has called me, however it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if He called me back into the full time ministry of the church or some affiliation of in the future.

So that’s it. That’s the email. I guess I’m posting it because it spoke to me. That Will is a smart guy! One of the other main reasons I shared this was because I wanted to talk to you guys about the “PS” part, but I’m afraid I’m not going to have the time today. We had a really long talk about it a couple weeks ago. This email was another one of those “Wow! Will is really supposed to be preaching for a living” sort of moments. I’m still doing a lot of mulling and thinking and praying… but I thought to myself, “I know! I’ll vomit all this crap I’m dealing with into a post! That would be the PERFECT venue!” Lucky for you- no such thing today.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

I’ve unofficially declared Tuesdays (or Mondays, or Saturdays or any freaking day of the week when I’m all dried up and out of any real substance to talk about. heh- who am I kidding? When do I ever have real substance on here?) Update Day. Because, well, as you all know I have so much exciting and fresh information to discuss about my thrilling life in Kuwait (ha).

Something Actually Worth Reading...well...sort of
I was so excited to hear that one of places Will and I are visiting this year was named one of the new 7 Wonders of the World! I was already excited to go, but now? Now I’m just plain stupid about it. If you were too freaking lazy to click on the link for the grand revealing (don’t worry, I’m lazy too and rarely click on links), I’ll go ahead and tell you what new Wonder we’ll be visiting this year. We’re going to Petra, Jordan!

Will and I decided we really need to make the most of our time here and start planning the trips we’ve been talking about forever but just haven’t done because “we still have 103 more years in Kuwait.” However, we’ve already been here 2 (which is hard to believe!), so before we know it, it will be time to go home and we will have missed out on things we wanted to do. So, we committed to taking a few short trips during the rest of our time here. We invited my family along, so it should be a good trip. We’re going to stay on the Dead Sea a few nights, see Petra, go to Amman- it should be a good trip! I’m most looking forward to Petra, though. Mainly from an eschatological aspect (wow! you didn’t know I was a smartie, did you?). Will, however, is looking forward to swimming in the Dead Sea. I hear it’s physically impossible to swim in it because of the salt content- so watching him attempt to swim will be quite a show.

I have quite possibly the craziest story ever in all the world (okay, that’s a total flat out life) about planning our trip, but sadly, I can’t share. You can thank the Kuwaiti people that monitor the web for trigger words that I can’t even write in this post. Let’s just say it has to do with Jordan’s neighboring country- a place most Arab countries believe does not exist. Ha ha- or as my friend Sarah says, “the Whole-y Land.” Was that a good hint? I freaking hope so. Anyway, we had a creepy experience last weekend because of it and found out that the Ministry flags and blocks all calls to “that country.” Maybe one day I’ll get to tell you about it. Since I just taunted you with half a story and got you all like, “What the crap is she talking about!?!” I’ll go ahead and move on to something else. Sorry for the ambiguity.

Not Exactly Worth Reading
Other than the Jordan trip (which seems forever away), there just doesn’t seem to be a lot going on.

Last Tuesday afternoon I got an email from the wife of the couple we went out with (hmm, did that sentence make sense?.. who knows...). She asked us out on

The
Longest
Date
Ever.

It’s this 6 hour tour thing. It sounds like a lot of fun (ha- Will was thrilled), and I was actually looking forward to it until Will mentioned, “Uh- we couldn’t even carry on a conversation for an hour. how are we going to manage 6!?!” He’s right. This reality has set me into a panic. I think the couple might be just as frantic because I haven’t heard from her since the initial email. She told me she would find out the times and then get back to me. Granted, it’s only Tuesday, but now I’m wondering if they want to “forget” that we had made plans. I guess I’ll find out soon enough. I’m sure 6 hours will produce a plethora of blogging material. I’ll keep you guys posted on what will either be the 6 Hour Stand Up or the 6 Hours of Continual Conversation… or lack thereof.

Are you Still Reading!?
Last Thursday I went to Will’s camp to work out with the guy that is whipping my Will into shape! It was a lot of fun...well..fun might not be the right word. I was glad to get to see Will in action and see all the “abuse” Will says this guy puts him through. The guy was really great and helped me make some improvements to my own program. That’s not exactly how I would like to spend every Thursday, but it was nice to work out together and finally get to meet the guy that has helped Will drop almost 10 pounds.

We bought $80 worth of grapefruit last weekend. Yep, we love our citrus. I think we looked like complete morons checking out. I should also mention that we went to 3 different grocery stores this weekend too. Yeah, that was loads of fun. Every store has something the other ones don’t. It’s quite a headache. So, Will and I decided we would limit our grocery needs to 2 stores and just load up on things we need from the 3rd. That’s exactly what we did. Will loves these Del Monte jars of pre-cut grapefruit. We took all that was available and proudly walked out with 2 (extrememly heavy) bags. Isn’t that sad!? $80 and 2 bags? For freaking grapefruit!?! Gotta love the prices they slap on imported goods.

Hmm… Want to see the most beautiful hospital? Go here. It’s the newest and best women’s hospital in Kuwait. It’s like a freaking hotel. My mom had her surgery there. Surprisingly, it’s cheaper than most “normal” hospitals in the states. I have no idea why I just linked you there… probably because I need to make a doctor’s appointment and wanted you to know we actually have normal hospitals here and not something from behind a farm shed. Uh, well, we have those too- but at least we have options, right!? Sigh, sadly I still don’t think you guys are any more eager to move here.

What else?… I started re-reading the book of Daniel last week. I forgot how much I really enjoy that book. I’m only like 5 chapters in, but I feel so refreshed by the things I’m encountering. I just want to sit and continuing reading on and on. Here’s just a few things I’ve tried to focus on from my readings (in normal people’s language):

God wants us to give all of ourselves to him, even in things that seem sort of trivial.
Just because the “in crowd” is doing something doesn’t mean it will make you better in the long run
God stands tall with those who are faced with adversity
Pride comes before the fall, and God alone is sovereign. <- that's what I read about today- King "Nebby's" prideful heart.

I'm reading the book along with a Prophecy commentary I got for my birthday. It's really enriched what I'm reading. Also, Beth Moore has an excellent study on Daniel, but it's better to do with a women's Bible study group, so I think I'll hold off on that one.

Go Ahead and Leave, It’s Pretty Much Downhill From Here
Boz has started doing the weirdest thing! He pees directly into his food dish after he eats. “What in the freaking crap are you thinking!?!” I constantly yell. He just cocks his head and looks at me and is all, “What, woman?! It’s MINE! ALL MINE!!” MUHAHAHAHAHA.”

This marking his territory crap makes no sense to me. I guess I’ll just at least be thankful men aren’t allowed to walk around doing the same. Think about all the wars that would break out over that!

Alright, alright. I think I’ve put you through enough crazy ramblings for one day. I wish you all a wonderful day!

More to come <3

I posted a few new pics on my Flickr bar. The pups got their summer shaved looks a few weeks ago. They’re not as cute, but I think they’re happier. I also got my hair “sliced (whatever that means).” I got a few brown streaks added. I used to think it looked silly, but well, I guess I don’t anymore. Ha ha, at least I hope I don’t because I just did it! I think I was inspired by Jenny’s new beautiful brown. I love it, Jenny! I’m too afraid to go all the way, so I thought this would be a fun little change.

That’s not the reason why I’m posting, though. I’ve been trying to formulate today’s post into coherent words, and well, I just can’t seem to. Everything gets jumbled in my mind and nothing makes sense. Nonetheless, I feel this immense burden to get my thoughts off my chest.

Today is definitely not a typical “B-Love post.” If you’re in the mood for a light-hearted Friday post, you definitely came to the wrong place. Hey- at least I warned you, right? I’ll be up front and say there may be a million and five typos in today’s post and you might walk away saying, “What the crap did she just write!?!” Today’s post is mostly because I just need to get my thoughts out, like I said earlier.

We’re told to lie here in Kuwait. For example, you never volunteer you’re from America. Even a lot of “good” Muslims here don’t like where we come from and what we’re doing. If I had to guess, I would say the vast majority of people living in the Middle East have an unfavorable view of America. So, we never walk around telling people where we’re from. Yes, that means poor Will can’t wear his OU gear out in public.

He hates it too.

That part of my time here doesn’t bother me. However, guys, I did something Wednesday night that I’m so very ashamed of. Something that brought me to the ground in pain. Something you’ll be disappointed about. I don’t know why I’m even about to tell you all this. Maybe just because I need to get it all out somewhere.

I flat out denied that I was a Christian Wednesday night.

Yep, you all can click off my post and think I’m the worst person in the world and hate me now. I wouldn’t blame you.

Thankfully, however, although I answer to a jealous God, I also answer to a forgiving God. So, if you’re still reading- let’s move on.

My whole life I knew that if ever confronted with a situation like that I would without a doubt stand for Christ and say, “You’re freaking darn right I’m a Christian!!!!!” however, when the time came, I caved in self-doubt and fear. Let me tell you about it.

I was working out at the gym Wednesday night. This lady kept staring at me the entire time, quite honestly making me feel very uneasy and comfortable. I got the feeling she was, for lack of better words, a “bad lady.” I can’t convey it all to you, and frankly, that’s not the point of this post. I just know I got the feeling she wasn’t out to be my friend by any means. She called me over towards the end of my work out, and like a freaking idiot moron I came over.

She began by asking me about the gym equipment, and I answered. Then, the harassment started.

“Where are you from? You American?”

I then lie.

She begins to stare me up and down with her darting and cold brown eyes.

“You married?”

I answer yes. She then asks me about my age.

I answer, but at this point I’m getting annoyed. I can tell she’s hunting for something. I’ve lived here long enough to know what she’s thinking, and I know it’s not good.

So, then it happens.

“Are you Christian?”

Guys, I froze. Like Simon Peter, I froze. Ha- I’m by no means “The Rock,” Peter, but at that moment I wondered if he felt the way I did at that moment so many years ago.

“What?” I asked.

“Christian- you Christian?”

I just sort of looked at her and flat out said, “No.”

Hanging my head in shame.

She looked at me harder, as if she wanted to reach inside of me and know the truth. She asked again, “You’re not Christian?”

I answered the same as before.

“Why do you need to know, I asked. What are you?”

She wouldn’t answer. She asked me one last time, “You Christian?”

Finally, I was angry. Angry with myself for what I had said. Angry that I became what I hated. Angry at this lady. I knew her. I knew what she was thinking. It made me angry. I thought back to the verse in the Bible that talks about denying Christ. I felt the Lord on my heart, pressing. Pressing.

“YES! Yes, I am a Christian.” I finally said. I said it with anger and annoyance in my voice. I was ready for the whole conversation to end.

“What kind? Cath-o-lic, Protestant, Born Again?”

I’m getting madder by the minute. “Why do you need to know?” I keep asking. She won’t answer, she just keeps saying the same thing over and over.

Finally I said, “I don’t understand why you need to know this information. It was nice meeting you.” I left. I didn’t even finish my work-out.

I went home, feeling like crap the whole way. “Did I really just do what I think I did?” I thought to myself. I knew I needed to talk to God, the person I sat there and denied, but the thought of it made my stomach sick. I’d rather hide away in denial, thank you very much.

I called Will. I needed to talk to someone. I started telling him my story and then the tears came. The fact that I was having snot issues this week didn’t help either.

Will and I talked a while as he drove home. He told me he knew why I did it, but obviously God doesn’t care about that. We answer to a higher calling than our fears. I already knew that. We talked about Cassie Bernall, the girl that was killed at Columbine for saying she was a Christian. Ha, granted my situation wasn’t even close to that, but it made me wonder. If I couldn’t hang with the big dogs in the situation I just faced, how in the world could I ever expect to be a “Cassie” if I was ever forced to be in such a situation?

Will ultimately said what I already knew, “Why are you talking to me about this? You know who you need to be talking to.”

I felt so ashamed. God has done so much for me. He takes care of me in ways I don’t even realize. His love and care is always with me, and that’s how I treat Him when the chance arrives for me to take a stand? Pretty ungrateful if you ask me. All I could say was, “I’m so sorry.” That was about all I could get out in between snot bubbles and dogs nipping at my feet. The embarrassment of going to God with what had happened was overwhelming. As a Christian that has grown up in church all her life, surrendered to ministering to others, and knowing all the Sunday school answers- I sure flopped. I’m pretty sure even people young in their faith would have fared better with the lady than I did.

Want to know the worst part of all? I specifically prayed that morning that I would have an opportunity to be a light that day.

Was that my chance?

Did I miss it?

Surely God wouldn’t have placed Psycho Woman in my path, right? He would have given me a nice, sweet lady to be a witness to, right?

I’m not so sure. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for protection. I prayed that if Psycho Woman was in fact the opportunity I had prayed for, that I would have the opportunity again. I prayed I would be bold and courageous.

I still felt like crap.

In fact, I still feel lousy. Will and I talked about it yesterday. He said I haven’t “laid it down.” That I’m “wallowing.” That I’m still holding on to it. I know he’s right. I guess the thing that bothers me is- what a freaking character check, you know? What’s inside of Brittny? I’m not really sure anymore! I thought I knew. I thought for certain that when I was squeezed good things would come out, but now I don’t know. That makes my heart hurt. I’ve always been the person that knows all the answers, and now I feel so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t even answer the most basic one.

Maybe you’re reading and thinking this is all silly and isn’t a big deal, but it’s a big deal to me. I’ve devoted my whole life to loving God, and to turn around and do what I did? It’s shameful.

So now I’m not sure where to go. I still feel this huge “something” on my heart right now. I don’t know what it is, but it’s heavy! It feels like “yuck.” ha ha- whatever that is, right? I just feel sick about the whole thing. I want to honor God. I really do. I hope that “something” goes away. Maybe it’s the fact that I just can’t seem to let go of it, just like Will said. That confessing my guilt, accepting the grace I preach about all the time seems too easy and not “good enough” for something that seems so big to me. Or, maybe God still has more to deal with me about. I don’t know. I’m just ready to stop feeling the way I do.

I hope you’re not too ashamed with me. Believe me- I’ve beaten myself up enough. So, that’s the story. I just needed to write. I want so badly to live my life for Christ. To show people that don’t believe in Him that there’s more to life. That it’s not about rules and regulations. It’s about freedom. It’s not about looking at the “hypocrites” but instead looking at Jesus. That you can still live a fun life. That’s what I want. I just wish my heart would stop hurting.

I’m officially turning off comments for today’s post. When I do that it means one of three things:

1. The post is Freaking-A boring and I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to try their hardest, straining a butt muscle because of the effort, in order to produce some sort of feedback they don’t really want to write in the first place but feel totally obligated because I told them how much I totally love their blog and that they’re my blog idol, oh and PS- you’re shoes are totally cute I wish I could dress like you (ha ha, what a run-on sentence!). I mean seriously- who really cares what I had for lunch or the fact that Kuwait is changing their weekend??

2. I’m behind on my own obligatory feedback

3. I really don’t want to know what you have to say. I’d rather live in my ivory tower and not know that you totally hate me, disagree, think I need to be checked into the Betty Ford clinic, or any other tidbit I think you might want to share.

Today comments are off because of reason # 3. I’m going to appear judgemental and shallow and mostly just need to get this all out for therapy. I don’t need anyone telling me what I already know!

I’m totally feeling frustrated.

It’s sort of for a dumb reason, yet I continue to let the whole thing bother me.

By the way- when I tell you why, you’re going to think i’m a freaking idiot.

Here’s why.

Apparently the whole world (yes- the WHOLE world, even the Pope and the weird lady that lives down the street from you) is getting plastic freaking surgery.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. It’s probably only something like 97.4% of the world, but I swear, that 2.6% is not from Kuwait. Everyone I work with is getting something done right now. Three different people walked into my office today to tell me what they had done, are getting done, want done, want their cat to have done, and even what they want done to their 97 year old grandmother. Then the gossiping begins- which means I then get to hear who else has had, wanted, or is getting something done. The numbers are staggering. I’m not sure if it’s because people have less expenses out here and have the extra money around to do it, or what, but I feel like this small minority of people that have yet to have a 80 foot long garden hose shoved up my stomach to suck out the fat!

Do you think I’m crazy yet?

I know this sounds so dumb (hence why I turned off comments!), but I just feel frustrated about the whole thing. I go to the gym 3 times a freaking week, work my butt off, pass on crappy foods (uh, well most days), try my hardest to take care of myself, floss (that’s right! I freaking even floss for crying out loud!), and yet so many other people simply go into a clinic, go to sleep for 5 hours and come out looking totally hot and thin without breaking a sweat.

**Caution, Pity Party to Ensue**

It’s just not fair!! Harumph.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you want to say, “Why do you even care what other people are doing?! That’s so dumb. Just focus on you and don’t worry about other people.” I know all that crap already. The truth is, I don’t know why I’ve let it get to me so much. Perhaps it’s because seriously (really- no lie) there are several, several, several, people I know over here that have gotten work done. I’m constantly being surrounded by it, hearing about it, learning about it.

It’s not that I feel bad about myself- although, I did stare at my boobs for days on end after one of my friends got implants. Poor Will he had to field more questions about my body the past month than ever before. Of course, husbands are always the worst people to ask because they know what we want to hear. “No, sweetie, I think Pamela Anderson’s boobs are disgusting!” Yeah, Will, I’m so sure.

I guess it’s more that I feel discouraged. I think about how much work I put into health and how easy it could be to simply pay someone to take care of it for good. I think about all the ladies I work out with at the gym and how I know a lot of them have gotten things done (they even wear those tight girdle things to work out in post-lipo. It’s creepy), and for some reason I let it annoy me. They look freaking amazing because of all this money they’ve poured into themselves, and I’m sitting here letting Will have at my blackheads while I contemplate how I’m going to get rid of the hail storm on my butt. Hmm, quite a different picture.

So, what is real beauty?

Now when I look at people here, I wonder if that’s really them. Does that make sense? Maybe not…

I sit here day in and day out hearing all these stories, and begin to think, “Wow.. maybe I need to have something fixed too...” It’s pathetic. I’m not saying I would get something done, I’m just saying after listening to all these men and women talk about flaws and how they’ve had theirs perfected now it makes me feel sort of raw.

I know in my heart that “Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting,” and “Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart,” but by golly tell the rest of the world that! We place so much emphasis on outward beauty to the point of inflicting pain on ourselves through plastic surgery, and it’s sad. As a Christian, I will openly tell you I struggle daily with focusing on having a beautiful heart instead of the perfect outfit. It’s such a fallacy so many of us struggle with, and sadly, I feel like it’s begun to consume my thoughts lately. Like I said, I’ve heard about it daily for the last few months. That doesn’t help either! I guess this should be something I pray about more often!

Hmmm, maybe I should throw in a disclaimer now that I’m almost done with this post. I’m not saying plastic surgery is bad. I don’t mean that at all. I know there are people that have to get it done for medical reasons, etc. I’m not posting about that today- I’m posting out of my own selfish frustrations about the people around me that are bombarding me with their information. Nothing else. Please know that. Heck, my mother is in the hospital as we speak because she got work done! Hopefully you get what I’m trying to say. It’s just about how it’s been at the forefront of my life lately.

So, I want to write a dozen more paragraphs, but I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough. Afterall, I do still want you to read my blog.

Tonight after work I’ll go the the gym like I always do, sweat like a man, and then go visit my mom in the hospital- once again to think, “Hey- maybe I need that done too.”

Until then- cheers to the fat girls.

Love your fellow chubby normal looking friend,

B-Love

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. –Colossians 3:17

So I’ve been trying this new “thing” for the last few weeks, and I gotta level with you- it can cramp a girl’s style!

As you probably know, I’m a Christian. Yeah yeah, I know you hear that term carelessly thrown around a lot now a days- but really! I am. Without getting into any long boring theological discussions about the diety of Christ or eschatology (because really- if you can’t spell it you really shouldn’t talk about it. That’s my theory anyway.), I thought I’d post about my new “thing.”

A few weeks ago I decided that everything I did I would do to glorify God. That means every single freaking thing that I do, I decided I would do it as if I were doing it for God.

Now, this “thing” is something I’ve had blasted into my mind since I was a wee young thing in Sunday School with Mrs. Kathy and Brother Ken. I even think my eight-year-old head was violently plunked into a bucket of frigid water with Mrs. Kathy saying something about, “LEARN IT!!! LEARN IT OR WE’LL MAKE YOU LEARN IT.”

I would then come up for air for 30 seconds, repeat the above verse and then prepare for another submersion.

They called it “Let’s Practice Baptism.”

Don’t worry, that only happened to all 3rd graders in Oklahoma.

Oh- and I totally kill at Hold Your Breath Contests.

So anyway, I knew all this stuff. I knew that as a Christian, I need to live my life for God. However, I’ve really begun to take that calling for what it is again. My life is not about me. I wasn’t created for me, I was created by God and for God. To please Him and to fulfill His mission on the Earth. That means- I have to do this “thing” I’ve been telling you about: do everything as a worship to God, as if I were doing it for Him and not myself, not Will, not my boss, not the other boss that smokes in my office (see post below), not for my mom, my President, Boz, Lucy, or the lady that checked me out at the store yesterday. She smelled like Cheetos.

For God. Period.

I knew true surrender to God would be no easy task- let’s face it- it’d be hard to please God when you’re telling your coworker you just had a close encounter with Chester Cheeto, right!? However, I didn’t realize how much more it would require of me! I’ve always thought myself an extra-miler, but doing things as if I were doing them for God has taken that to a whole new level.

Quite often, it’s a frustrating new level.

It requires me to take extra time sometimes, be a little more meticulous, actually care about things I typically wouldn’t. For example:

So what if my cover letter to the government isn’t as informative as it could be- it’ll do, right?

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. –Colossians 3:17

Sigh, I then make that freaking stupid letter something I’d be proud of. Something I wouldn’t feel stupid handing over to God. Something I hope made His freaking huge Heavenly Refrigerator with a gold star on top, darn it.

The Lord is beginning to mold me, and you know what? The last few days haven’t seemed as “frustrating” as before. In fact, I get a smile on my face to know that I’m doing things to the best of my ability to please God.

The biggest challenge is to actually remember to give God my best in everything. Even in what may seem like a trivial matter. It all matters to God, and everything can be done as worship, from lifting weights to taking care of Will.

It hasn’t been easy. I forget sometimes, but my prayer has been continual. There are some big things I know in my heart I need to worship God with, but guys! they’re freaking hard to do and I don’t want to!!

All I need now is to stomp my feet and throw a raging tantrum, right!? 

I’ve just been meditating on that verse the last few days, and I know that the Lord will do His work.

After all, that’s His “thing.”

I’ve been working my way through The Purpose Driven Life with my friends Sarah and Theresa (by the way, I would link you to their blogs but you and I both know that I’m too lazy to do that on a Sunday afternoon). I started the book sort of skeptical, thinking I wouldn’t get a lot out of it because, well, I know my purpose. It’s to know God and to share God with others.

Boy was my skepticism out of line! Leave it to me though, right?

I guess that’s how the Lord works sometimes. “You don’t think you’re going to learn anything, Mrs. Holy? Ha! I’ll show you!!” says God (ha ha, although I highly doubt it sounds that way coming from Him). I’ve truly enjoyed my journey through the book, and have refreshed my memory on so many basic fundamentals that are easy to lose sight of.

Yes, my ultimate purpose in life is to have a relationship with God and tell others about it, but there are so many details that make up that general statement. My whole life I’ve heard, “Everything happens for a reason,” but it’s so easy to forget the strength and peace from that statement. Everything really does happen for a reason. It is all apart of the Plan God has created for my life, and it is all ultimately for His glory. I’m placed where I am this very second by only His intervention, and everything I do affects my ministry and “Kingdom Work” for the Lord.

So many people ask Will and I what the heck we’re doing here. What’s the reason, the purpose? We get it so much that sometimes, quite honestly, it’s frustrating.

Okay, I’m lying. Frustrating is one of those words you use when you’re trying to be polite.

It’s freaking annoying.

There. I said it.

Will and I came here for our own reasons. We had many deep hurts from the church Will served at before (who would have thought working for a church would cause more pain than a regular secular company!? Sadly, that’s the case a lot of times) and decided we had to get out of that situation. We had to get away and do something else and really see if God had called us to full-time ministry. Ha ha, I don’t think we realized that “getting away” would entail moving across the globe, and not only that, but to a Muslim country. Those were our reasons. Even though we had our own genius ideas for coming over, we always had a peace from God. We knew that he wanted us here for a reason.

I’ve learned God’s reasons for us being here are far different from ours (thank goodness!!). His purpose is far bigger than “getting away,” or taking a break. There are no breaks in serving God. I might have though so, since Will wasn’t getting paid to be a youth minister anymore, but serving God is a 24-7 operation- whether we were getting paid to do it or not! I’ve known that the whole time we’ve been here, but reading this book has continued to magnify it.

So, I’m here, in this miserably hot country. Living my life as light for His Purpose, even when it seems fuzzy sometimes. Reading this book has been a blessing, especially doing it with friends. I encourage you guys to do the same.

Hope you had a good weekend. To the girls I love that are mothers now- HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! Your babies are blessed to have you as their mommies.

Stay tuned, embarrassing moment story to come this week (what a shock).
<3

Buckle up nesties, we’re plowing full speed ahead in the shoulder while everyone is sitting in traffic- and I have no idea where I’m going.

(Basically that means I’m just jumping in and am going to get down to business, wherever that takes me.)

I got a comment on Monday regarding my life in Kuwait and my relationship with God. I read it, read it again, and have read it about 3 times since. I think I read it so many times because I wonder if others think this too as they read my blog. It wasn’t a hurtful comment and wasn’t rude in the least (in fact, I appreciate you very much!), but it really got me thinking about how what I say is taken.

Okay, wait a minute- I’m not writing this because I want to please the masses and I’m worried if someone doesn’t see me the way I wish them to. I’m writing because I really truly count you guys as friends and friends should know the answers to their questions if they have them, so- let’s get this freaking thing answered, shall we?

I’ve had about a day and a half to think over this post and I still don’t know where to begin. Did I just say I was PLOWING full speed ahead? Uh, well I might have been wrong. I’d like to have this long drawn out post explaining everything, but I’m tired. you’re tired. We’re all freaking TIRED!! Who wants to read stuff like that when they’re tired? NO ONE.

I feel foolish because I somehow built this whole thing up and now I’m letting you all down because I just am out of breath right now. I think it’s because I’m truly just exhausted and ready to get away and go home for a while. I feel like I’m in this huge race and I’m wheezing and my muscles are aching and I am just out of energy and doing everything I can to simply make it to the finish line. I can see it up ahead and that renews my hope, but sorry guys, I’ve just sort of become numb lately.

So, behold the list. Below are the list of questions that were posed to me (copied and pasted to be fair and accuate). I feel it only fair to answer you all. I’m among friends, right? I sure hope so. Let’s FINALLY get started.

1. do you wonder what you will do when you go home.  will you visit all your old friends, go to your old church?
YES, I do wonder. I don’t really know if this question meant go home for good or go home for vacation. There’s a huge difference. If it’s what we’ll do when we go home in October I know exactly what we’ll be doing, and you all will be reading about it through my blogs. So, that’s an easy question. We will be visiting with old friends while we’re home and we will be attending the church Will grew up in, it’s the same church his parents go to. It’s an amazing church and the thought of actually going to a real church service thrills me.

Now, if it means wondering what I’ll do when I go home for good, well I have absolutely no clue. Will has no clue. We’re both pretty clueless! I truly have no idea what we will do when we go home. I know the career path I would like to take, but there are still so many holes because I don’t know what Will will be doing and where we’ll live and everything in between. I try not to think too far ahead right now. I take each day at a time and work towards the long term goals we have set here. I really have to focus on my life here right now because if we “stick to the plan,” we’ll still be here a while.

2.do you feel bad for being in kuwait and not being able to attend church.  it would make me feel like i was out of the will of the Father not being able to worship Him.  giving Him whats His.
To be honest, this question somewhat offended me, but because I have to assume maybe others wonder the same thing I will go ahead and answer it and be fully honest. I don’t exactly feel bad for not being able to attend church. I mean, this is Kuwait. Where would we go? There is one Christian church that offers an English speaking service, but there are some pretty fundamental difference between what we believe and what they believe, so as a family, Will and I have felt led not to attend.

My heart misses church. I miss the support of fellow Christians. I miss singing praises with hundreds of people singing along with me to God. Most of all, I miss having a real Christian friend. I haven’t had one of those in years and I earnestly pray God brings a best friend into my life. I miss church, but feeling “bad” is not exactly the emotion that is brought to mind because of where we live.

I know many would say they would feel they were out of the will of the father by not being able to attend church and worship him. I think that’s a fair thing most people might say, but I don’t fully agree with it. I know I say how much I miss being home, and I fully do, but guys, I have never in my life felt I was more in the will of God than I do right now. I know 100% that God has ordained Will and I to be in Kuwait on August 25, 2006. He has given both me and Will as well as our family a peace about this. We will continue to live in Kuwait and be in his will until he calls us away.

It’s so funny how we sort of came over here with our visions of grandeur to prepare for our future, etc. We prayed about coming over here and knew God paved the way for us to come, but it’s funny to look back then and see now how God has manifested himself. Here we thought we were coming over for one reason, but God had such bigger plans than the small ones we created on our own. Will interacts with hundreds of soldiers each week that are preparing to go to Iraq. What better place to show Christ than to a soldier looking for hope? There are daily countless opportunities for us to show Christ. To say we’re out of the will of the Father is wrong, because we fully know we are. To say we’re not able to give to Him what is fully His is also wrong because I daily have to surrender my life to him more now than I have ever in my whole life. I freaking live in Kuwait!! An entie country devoted to Islam! We’re on a daily mission trip. Back home I relied on God, but here I need Him. Is it hard to be a Christian here? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But, when I read that question it sort of made me feel like I had forsaken the Father by coming over here and that is so opposite from the truth. I know that may be hard to understand, but I think you guys get it.

3. do you ever wonder if you would be happy back in the states paying taxes, rent, utilities, tithes, etc.
I don’t wonder if I’ll be happy back in the states paying taxes, rent, utilities, tithes, etc. I know I will be happy. I am eager for the day when God calls us back to America. I have no idea what we’ll do and where we’ll live, but I am excited to go home. I’m a little scared, but mostly eager. We do pay tithes despite living over here. You can’t assume just because we live over here we forgot about God and don’t pay tithes. Oh, and we ride to work on camels too. ha ha, I’m just kidding, but I think there may be some misconceptions about me and my life here.

I know it seems as If I’m constantly talking about missing home, and I do, but I think sometimes I show just a slice of my life instead of the whole picture, you know? I think when I get on the nest and read about you all and your lives in America and the fact that if you wanted to meet you could just hop in the car and have a real nestie reunion, I miss having that freedom. I miss having girl friends and being able to go out on my own. There are some big things I miss in the States and I know I convey that to you guys a lot and I sometimes forget to mention, “Oh yeah, I’m content here too though.”

My blog is my outlet. I share my “I miss home” frustrations on here so much because this is my journal.
Here’s what it comes down to. I answer to God. Maybe people think I’m some heathen for not doing what they conventionally think is the “right thing” to do, but I don’t answer to those people. I answer to God. Will and I are happy. Do we miss home terribly? Oh my gosh yes. Do we get excited more and more as each day to vacation approaches? Ha, have you seen my counter!?

So, that’s my piss-poor post. I intended to talk about a lot of other things, but this is already long! I sort of feel that Glaze Stephanie B was talking about. I almost feel like a zombie right now, just sort of making it from one day to the next. I hate that because that’s not like me. I think it’s just that I need a break for a while, and October reminds me that it’s fastly approaching.

No more talk of this! Hopefully I cleared up any lingering confusion that has kept you all awake at night. ha ha.

I feel like I have so much to tell you guys. I sprained my ankle this week and haven’t even freaking posted about it! Where have I been!? Seriously!

I think I’ve said enough today. A normal Brittny post to follow… (as well as feedback. Even Zombies can read their favorite blogs, darn it!)

Have a good weekend!

This is post is so beyond anything I’ve ever written here before. It is so not a “typical” post. So, you’ve been warned. Now, before I continue please be aware that although I am writing my heart out on a public blog, that doesn’t mean I’m ready for a million people to tell me what they think. I love you guys, but this post is solely for me today and I may decide that in the morning, once my mind has rested and I’m feeling less emotional, that this best would best be served as an inactive post that no one can read but me. Not to mention that these feeling are also heightened due to PMS. This has the potential to be a dangerous post! To top is all off, this is a post about God, which almost always leads to people arguing. So, please just either lurk and read this post or ignore it. I’m feeling all out of sorts I will just let you all in on my heart today. You can consider yourselves the lucky ones- ha ha, or the unlucky ones. If you respond to this post please respect me and my thoughts.

I am sitting in the pitch dark of my apartment, tears still filling my eyes. I’m trying my very best to type every so quietly so that I don’t wake Will. He has to work tomorrow. I have off because our company observes the 4th on the 1st.

I’m not sure where this post will take me. I’m not even sure what I’m thinking. I just know my heart hurts and I had to go somewhere. Will and I came off a great weekend and as the night came to an end I found myself tearing up and feeling down. We had watched Sooner Magic, a documentary over- you guessed it- the OU football team.

After watching it I was feeling understandably homesick and just felt sad for the weekend to be over. We went to bed, but I lay there wide awake, thinking of so many things. A few tears trickled down my eyes as I thought about “life.” I lay there in the quiet of the night trying my best to go to sleep. All of a sudden I heard the thundering “boom” of something unnatural. I continued to hear it and finally got out of bed and looked out the window to see what it was.

Fireworks.

It was fireworks.

I thought I might have a breakdown right there, but I knew I needed to let will sleep, so I sneaked out of the room and stood by the living room window. I peered through the curtains, watching the show. It was as if God had given me my very own fireworks show. They flew above all the tall buildings that normally block my view. I could see everything. It was so majestic and freeing and beautiful. It took me away from Kuwait.

I just stood by the window, hiding behind the curtain. I held my heart and just cried as I watched each carefree burst of life come careening into the sky, just for me. I know all this sounds so silly, but for so many reasons those fireworks were so much more than some election party gone crazy. It made me miss home and at the same time, it made me feel at home. I had not 1 hour before told Will how much I missed home and how I was starting to be homesick just as I was last year before we went home, and God just seemed to scoop me up and bless me with this intimate little fireworks show. Everything melted away and it was just me and the sky.

I wish I cold convey to you the vastness and meaning of this short moment, but I really have no words right now. I have more emotions than anything. Emotion and no words. For some reason those 5 minutes just grabbed my heart and made me feel so very many things. Things that I can’t really begin to express. I only wish the moment would have lasted longer. I don’t mean to sound greedy, but it was so powerful and special. It was like it was just me, all alone at that window with God showing me how much he loves His daughter, which is ironic because as I was lying in bed all I could think of was, “Are you there God? It’s me, Brittny.”

I know it’s some dumb title to an old Judy Blume book, but it’s all I could think as I was there thinking about the million things running through my mind. Of course I know that God is there, he’s always with me. I’m a Christian and have grown up in church my whole life. I married an ordained minister and know all the “right answers,” but lately I can’t help but as that question more and more- “Are you there God?”

After the fireworks came to an end I found myself terribly lonely. I hate that feeling. “Are you there God? It’s me, Brittny” I wanted to say. I remember hearing a preacher once say that there are times in our lives when we will ask that, “Where are you God?” and he said that in his life’s experience that when he has asked that question it was the time when he was closet to God, only he didn’t know it at the time because he was so consumed with “the problem” at hand. I’m not really sure if I agree with that statement, but it’s given me something to think on.

Lately I’ve been thinking heart wrenching thoughts. Thoughts I could only wish into a post that would never be. I have no words for it all. It comes down to how big my life has seemed to become since I’ve moved here.

“Do you miss the way we once were, God?” I want to ask. I think I’m afraid to. I know I miss the way we once were. I think about my life back home and the way things once were and I wonder if I’ve saddened God. Granted, I know he has taken us here, but I still wonder if he misses the way things were like I do.

Does he miss the people we once were? Life was so tiny back then. I miss the days of my church family. I miss the days of being a youth minister’s wife. I miss the lazy days out by the pool and sleepovers on the pull out couch with my sister. I miss my dad coming into my room at night, laying his hand on my head and praying with me. I miss the days of Falls Creek. I miss so many things. I miss how I could feel the presence of God in my life. Granted, I know God is bigger than a feeling. Feelings change and God remains the same, but I can’t help but miss that “feeling” of Him. I know that’s confusing, but I promise this all makes sense to be at midnight!

I miss that all so much. I wonder if God misses how I used to be too? I am growing and changing so much here that there are times when I don’t even know who I am! Life was so different back then, so defining. I had no idea how greatly my life would change. I thought my home would forever be that red brick house in the cull de sac. I knew for sure my parents would live in Oklahoma forever and they would be the same people I’ve always known them to be. That’s how life was supposed to be. Living in Kuwait was the biggest curve ball of my life! I was supposed to be ayouth minister’s wife and live a simple and quiet life. What happened? I’m not really sure. I know God has us here for a reason, but I’m not really sure why. It seems I have been stretched and squeezed so much during my stay here, stretched to the point that I am constantly asking God where he is. Perhaps the reason He has me here is to grow me and teach me how to truly know Him. I really don’t know.

I just miss the days when I knew life. When I knew who my parents where and when P was my baby sister. Yes, I know life changes. I know all that, but I guess as I contemplate just what in the hell I’m doing here, I can’t help but wonder about everything. I can’t help but feel that somewhere along the way, my family has gotten lost in the desert. Sometimes, as we pray over our dinner I just want to say, “Why are we even praying?” God doesn’t want us to pray because “that’s what you do when you’re about to eat.” He would rather us just not even say anything at all than just go through the motions. I know that sounds so terrible, but it’s just like I feel like they’ve forgotten God. I know it is not my place to judge, my family is so great, and they are wonderful people, but I always feel things have become so ritualistic and insincere. I even feel that about Will sometimes. I told Will I feel that way and he got upset with me. I guess my thoughts are one of those things one should never really verbalize, but I couldn’t help it. I just think about the powerful things God did through Will in the past and it makes me sad.

I know all of these things must are probably making your heads spin. I’m just reeling and crying and need a place to lay everything out. Things that have been tucked inside my heart for a while now.  I wish I had a phone line to God 24 hours a day. Now, if you’re a Christian and reading this you all know the church answer, “The Holy Spirit is your phone line to God.” Yeah yeah, I know all that. I mean, I really wish I had a real, physical phone I could dial up 555-5555- do you guys know the area code to Heaven? Hmmm…

Anyway, I wish I could dial up Heaven and have good old Michael answer the phone and put me right into God and I could know what I’m doing and why things are the way they are and why we’re supposed to be here, and why- even thought we’re supposed to be here- all I can think about is how I can get away from here. I know all the Sunday school answers to these questions, and I could give you 10 stories from the Bible to answer these questions, but I can’t help but want to really hear the voice of God say, “Well Little Sister, let me tell you why things are the way they are…” and then go into just why everything has turned out this way. I know God wants me to trust in Him, I know all that, but I can’t help but wonder what he thinks of this whole “mess;” I know it’s no mess to him, it’s all apart of his master plan, but considering I can’t see into the future as He can, things just seem so confusing.

I just miss the way I used to know people. I feel like we’ve become the Israelites, wandering the desert. Being a Christian over here is so hard, which adds to all this madness.

Tonight’s firework show was for me. If you all are people who don’t believe God can do that, you just think I’m crazy- though you probably thought I was crazy long before you got to this sentence. However, for those of you who do believe God takes care of his children, you know I’m not crazy. Although my mind is all busy and jumbled, my heart has a peace. A peace that brings me to tears, though I’m not really sure why. I don’t even know what this “peace” is. Is that what the bible meant about “peace that surpasses all understanding?” maybe. I have this peace and I know that God is going to take care of us, and I know He has a plan. I know he comes to give us a hope and a future, but it is so easy to lose sight of that sometimes and focus on the “why” of how things are unfolding. I do that all the time. I only wish I could stop this moment and hold on to this peace. I know tomorrow will be full of it’s many worries and wonderings, but I hope I will be able to pray for that peace and be reminded that everything is going to be okay because God is going to take care of us.

There is so very much more I want to say, but I’ve already said too much. Most of all this is pms supra emotional type talk, but some of it is my deep heart. I do miss who we once were, but I trust that God will continue to mold my life and this whole life experience into the people He wants us to be, which is what I really want.

I’ll simply close saying I feel a little bare and embarrassed for writing all this for you to read. I know when I wake in the morning I will be mortified that I shared all this and will hide it right away. So, please be kind and respect my beliefs and opinions and I try to do each time I read someone’s post. This is my blog and I’m free to say whatever I want. If you think I’m insane, well, just quietly exit my blog and know I’m allowed to express myself just as you are on your blog.

I have grown up so much this year and I’m thankful for that. I love Will so much more this year and I’m thankful for that. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will be most thankful for that. Especially for the day when God calls us home. So, “thank you God for showing yourself. You are uninhibited. I know I sound like a crazy person (that’s largely due to AF), but I do trust you. The fireworks were great.”

Have a wonderful weekend. I hope you all make it to your town’s fireworks show on the 4th. When you see the pink ones, think of me.

<>< <3

Alone I sit at the computer.

I just scarfed down my second bowl of Kashi (note to self- it’s not considered South Beach Friendly if you eat enough to feed a boy’s choir) and am listening to the night’s prayer call.

I prefer not to eat alone, and I prefer not to eat in front of this box, but I thought you would be more company than listening to the TV blare, so here I am.

Current listen?

Sia: Breathe Me.

I’m currently downloading a wealth of new songs. My sister keeps me cool. She emails me all the songs I HAVE to have, so I download them and she is usually right- it’s mostly good stuff.

So anyway, now that we agree you have to know all these stupid and pointless facts, I’ll move on.

This weekend was definitely an “I want to go home” one. I don’t particularly know why. Okay, maybe I do. Do you have time to listen? I don’t.

Anyway, since we established the fact that I’m feeling a little homesick I’ll fast forward to today. I got a little hangy air freshener to put in the company car. It is a yankee one. I love those things. It is called Home Sweet Home, and honestly, if it hadn’t been named that, that’s what I would have said it reminded me of.

Was I torturing myself with this air freshener or what!?

In fact, I’m such a loser that I brought the wrapper upstairs with me so that I could remember the smell.

We learned in interpersonal communication (and an old spice commercial!) that scent is the strongest link to our memory. I believe it. I opened the air freshner about 5 minutes from my apartment and I was distracted by a flood of memories. So many memories all at the same time that I couldn’t even sort them through.

I thought about my parent’s house back home. It smelled like that. My mom loved spicy and cinnamony candles and would light them all the time. It reminded me of that house, and my heart hurt because after moving around my whole entire life, that was the house that anchored me and now someone else lives there. That is a post in itself but I think that might be one I never post publicly because it would drag on forever and make me cry.

It also reminded me of Christmas. If it hadn’t been called Home Sweet Home it should have been called Christmas. It reminded me of all the candles my mom would burn and all the cooking she would do and those scented big pine cones and a million other christmasy things. Gosh I want to go on but I vowed not to stay on here all night- and what am I doing!?

It reminded me of Sarah C’s house too. I had a lot of fun growing up there. I wonder how she is doing. I hope well. The last time I saw her was, gosh… I am thinking.. it had to have been Christmas break before we moved over here. We met at Atlanta Bread for lunch. That was the last time we talked. I know she is doing great. I know it.

It also reminded me of apple cider and freezing our butts off at high school games and OU games.

I was just shocked at all the things that were overtaking me. I just wanted to be home so bad.

I waver a lot about what we should do but I’ve just been homesick the last few days. I’m just tired of fighting for what is right and seeing everything bad win. I know that happens back home too, but I have to believe it is not near the magnitude that it is here. Someone said something that is sadly true about our company, “All the good people leave because they get tired of trying to fight the system.” It’s so true.

Will and I just want to work and go home but I’m afraid the first part may not be a viable option for us for much longer. I don’t know that for sure. I mean ask me tomorrow when I’m having a , “I can make it here” day and it might be totally different.

Anyway, so here I sit by myself.

I hate that.

Especially on I miss home days.

On top of that I’m tired and I just want to go to sleep.

Will is in charge of an april fool’s day run they’re having tonight so he won’t be home until late. I guess him being gone gives me time to get some stuff done, but I doubt I will. I figure I will take a shower, get ready for bed. iron tomorrow’s stuff (If I’m lucky!) and go to bed. Or at least make an attempt to. Days like today make me wish he were here to go to bed with me. Sigh.

I think a lot of it is that my emotions are heightened thanks to nature… do I need to say any more or give you a definition of nature!? I sure hope not. Thanks Brittny! We will all set our clocks to you. You’re a sunday start you say? OKAY!

Anyway, I’m just tender an tired and miss home today.

Yesterday.

Tomorrow.

Probably the day after too.

I wish I knew the right thing. There are days when I think, “I don’t even know if I’m going to make it to tomorrow let alone August!” and then there are other days I think, “If we take a nice long vacation this fall I think I can make it until next May, but I’m not sure how much more after that.”

I am like a big rickety teeter totter.  If I’m honest haven’t prayed enough about it. I’ve prayed so quickly the last couple of weeks that I know I’ve missed out on some wonderful time with God. I need to listen more this week.

So anyway, I’m writing now, debating whether I will make this public or private.

Public or private?

My heart says, “Brittny! Make it private!”

I know I should.

I think I’ll make it public because I feel like being a jerk. ha ha. Totally kidding. I’m sorry for the downer post. You know I’m not like this a lot. I am just tired of things and am missing home and am bombarded with a lot of warm memories from home.

See- I’m kiling myself over here! I’m smelling the stupid wrapper this very second. What a dork. Yeah, THAT’S good therapy!

Okay, private.

Public.

Private

Public…

Should I toss a coin?

I hate writing down posts like this and then posting it for you guys who have your own problems, to read… but then again if you really want to know me I guess you should know all of me and know I am feeling homesick. Like the homsick where you heart feels like its constantly inhaling and can’t exhale. Like you can’t breathe for fear that if you do, that if you breathe out you will show yourself and all the tears and worries and everything else and they won’t be able to stop and you will just be left there the way you were before but in worse shape because you will be snoting on yourself and your eyes will be all puffy.  That sort of homesick. I would just prefer to inhale. I don’t know if I’m ready for the exhale part quite yet.

So, I guess I will apologize for being such a jerk for posting this on your guys’ weekend when all is perfect and “yes (E.E. Cummings).”

Thanks for reading if you did! Sorry to be a downer. I think I need to sleep, get through this week and get an answer from God! It sounds so easy when I say it like that.

Until then I’ll just shut the computer down for now and take my goofy little wrapper and reminisce of home