We close on our house today. Yay for no more in-law dwelling.

Yay for getting the internet soon and getting to blog again.

Yay for my own space.

Yay for getting to prace around in a towel while getting ready.

Yay for getting to stay up as late as I want.

Yay for getting to eat whatever I want.

Yay for no Boz carpet peeing (um, we hope).

I think you get the picture.

More to come…

Oh heavens.

I just sit down to write a big long quality post (ha) and then I get beckoned by my husband to do something highly important.

Beckoned.

Does anyone say that anymore?

I just said “oh heavens” too.

Please, please send me back to Kuwait.

It’s happening.

The rednecks are infiltrating my life. Stop the madness!

Okay, anyway…

This week I decided something very important:

I can’t trust anyone for advice except for my sister.

Yep. It’s true.

I get so tired of the stuff people tell you to do that they’d actually never do themselves, you know? “Oh you should totally talk to that major hot guy, Sue. So what that you have 57 cats crawling around your studio apartment and you haven’t showered in 3 days. Go! Go flirt with that guy!”

Okay- we all know how the above story is going to end, so why give poor Sue such awful advice!? So she can go hide in her cat menagerie for the next 3 years!?

Alright, so you get my point. I like people that give real, raw advice.

Such as, “Sue. You can’t go talk to that guy. You must first shower and board 53 of your cats because your studio apartment smells like cat piss.”

here’s the story…

So I’m still new at work. Not only that, but I don’t really know anyone in the area where we live. So- yeah, I’m pretty much a bonafide new kid loser that sits in the corner of the office eating paste.

Well, not really- but you know the type- and apparently I’m becoming the type.

Anyway, so I brought leftovers for lunch a couple of days ago. No big deal, right?

Oh guys, I almost had a freaking panic attack! I literally had a crisis at my desk. It was sort of like this-

Do I go heat up my lunch and eat in the break room ALL ALONE like a paste eating loner loser

OR

do I heat up my lunch in the break room and bring it back to my cube and stink up the joint because I’m too afraid to eat ALL ALONE where I should?

Crisis, guys! Crisis!

So- I turn to my only reliable source of sound advice: P.

See, P fully understands my odd ways. Most people would be all positive and cutesy and “You can do it! Go eat in the break room! It’s not loserish. It’s cool! In fact- maybe you’ll make a friend!”

P? yeah, she’s not like that. She’s practical and useful. We sent several texts back and forth. They’re displayed for you below:

Me: Okay so I feel like an idiot. I brought my lunch but I have to heat it up. I don’t want to sit alone in the break room like a loser but I also don’t want to sit at my desk and smell up the office! I so wish you were here. Can you believe I might skip lunch because I’m a moron? What should I do!?

P: As must as I would love you to fill up your tummy, I think it might be awkward if you eat by yourself alone in there. Maybe just a granola bar today? ha ha. In a week once you’re moved in you can avoid these situations by quickly driving home and eating with me and Willy!

Me: Yeah I know. I was thinking the same thing. I love when you give advice. It’s not that positive crap everyone else gives. It’s actually helpful. Off to get my granola!

P: I know. We can never trust real people for advice. Maybe this is the time to start smoking so you can leave the office.

ha ha, totally kidding.

Aw sisters, they’re so great. Solving my problems with lung cancer. Gotta love her.

PS: I totally ate a granola bar by the way. Which is loserish in it’s own right but not as bad as the two options above. Yesterday I went out with my boss and coworker and that was nice. Not loserish at all.

Want to meet for lunch next week so you can rescue me from my cubicle awkwardness?

I seriously-

wait.

What’s a more desperate word for seriously?

Hmm…

I don’t know.

I guess we’ll just stick with seriously- but when you read it put some emphasis on it. For example:

seriously

or

seriously

or

seriously

or even

seriously.

Okay?

Moving on…

I (insert emphasis) seriously need to move out of the in-laws’ house.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re great. “Pat” (remember her? I named Will’s mom Pat because she reminds me of Amy’s mother on Everybody Loves Raymond) has had dinner ready each night I come home from work. It’s been so thoughtful and wonderful. I’m really thankful for it.

But (insert emphasis) seriously- I need to get out of here.

I almost flew off the handle today.

During our last trip home I believe I mentioned the fact that Will’s mom was on my case about when we were going to have kids.

You know- because it’s incredibly selfish of me not to want to have them and give her grandkids. That she can spoil and have fun with and then give them back while I’m trying to feed them, clothe them, and put them through college.

Well today it happened again. Will and I were signing up for health benefits through my company and asked for Pat’s help in assessing all the options.

“Well you know, you may want to get coverage X for the maternity benefits.”

Now- it wouldn’t have been a big deal- but it was all in the way it was said. Not only that, but it was mentioned more than once.

Perhaps it’s not a big deal. In fact, in all honesty, the comment is pretty harmless I guess, but (insert emphasis) seriously- it bugged me.

“Well we won’t have to worry about that for a while,” I said.

What I really wanted to say was, “Never! We’re NEVER going to have to worry about that! Get off my freaking case! The more it’s brought up the further it pushes me away!”

but I refrained.

The truth is- I’m sort of softening up to the idea of a kid in a few years. I would really like to adopt a child from a developing country. However, that’s a whole other post for a whole other day.

I honestly don’t know if I want to ever have children, but I figure it’s good to keep an open mind. (yes- Brittny B-Love- the woman that never in a trillion years wanted a kid did just say she was softening up to the idea of one. Mark it down.)

I don’t care about that biological clock crap. If it’s time for me to adopt or have a child, I’m going to have a freaking child, you know? So what if I’m 25, Pat!? Do you realize people aren’t even getting married until they’re in their (gasp!) 30s nowadays!? I wouldn’t mind adopting a child around the 30 mark and then seeing how that works out. It irritates me that since they only waited a few years to have kids and since all they’re friends have grandkids we need to be sex machines cranking out handsome, genius, “my kid is better than your kid” babies every 2 years!

AHHH!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, it just really irritates me how she tries to get in her opinion. How it’s like I’m made to feel guilty for not wanting children.

She left the room for a few minutes and I flew off the handle.

“Tell her, Will!

Tell her that we’re not going to have kids!

Tell her or I’ll tell her!” I told him.

He didn’t.

I didn’t either.

Part of me wants her to know so she’ll get off my back- and not only that- but she’ll be elated if we ever do end up deciding to have kids due to the fact that she was told we weren’t having any.

Will told me not to let her get to me, but it does. It totally irritates me every time a comment is made. You know, I’m so tired of being made to feel guilty for not wanting to possibly ever have kids. Hmm- I already said that about 10 sentences ago. Oh well. I felt the need to repeat myself.

Plus it’s just his mom. I think that adds to my annoyances.

My parents are so great. Of course they want little children running around their house one day, but I’ve flat out told them I don’t want kids and they have totally backed off. They know where I stand and have stopped asking. In fact, when I told them about the possibility of adopting a child from another country in the next couple of years they were so supportive and thrilled. Sadly, I don’t think Pat would feel the same way.

I don’t know why, but I just want Will to flat out tell her what’s going on so she backs off. Then again, I know in my heart it’s not worth it and by next week we’ll be moved out and living on our own and these little digs won’t bother me so much because I’ll have my own house to go to at the end of the day.

I also can understand her perspective. I mean grandbabies are cute and fun and all her friends have them so I’m sure she wants one too. I know she doesn’t mean to meddle- but she is.

Thank God for this blog. I seriously needed to vent today.

So there you have it- my yelling session of the week.

Geez a Lou I wish I could post during the week. You guys miss out on so much fun! ha ha. I’m hoping to have the internet up at the house in a few more weeks. We close on the 30th. I’m so excited!

I’m booking tickets to Rome this weekend, which is even more exciting. The cruise will be here before I even realize! I wish you were coming along.

More vents to come, I’m certain. Have a nice weekend.

missing you…

My sister is coming to visit me in a few weeks.

I can not express in words how my heart feels this very moment.

I’ve been like an annoying kid on the last day of school. I feel anxious, excited, gassy (ha ha, just kidding about that one. Just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention).

Poor Will. In addition to all the woes of moving into a new house, he’s also going to have to put up with giggling girls for 2 weeks.

heh heh.

I have so very much I want to talk about regarding this oh so exciting news, but it’s time for bed.

P’s coming to America.

<3

Okay, so I sit in front of this computer feeling like a major blog loser.

I know it seems silly to be all, “Wah, I can’t access the internet at work and I can’t comment on your blog or check my email, plus my in-law’s have a 1984 Commodore that boots up while we’re eating dinner and still isn’t ready by the time the 10:00 news starts.”

But seriously?

I’m petty like that.

Yeah, so I got like a million super encouraging comments over the course of these last 3 weeks and I can’t even freaking respond!

I hate dial-up.

I loathe dial-up.

I spent over an hour trying to read and comment on your guys’ blog, and was incredibly unsuccessful.

I started to jot little notes down that I wanted to tell you guys (Like, Happy First Birthday Jackson! and Kassie- yay for your NYC trip!) but then I was all, “Brittny! Get a hold of yourself!” so I stopped. I guess it was a little over the top to make a list of names and comments I wanted to say. I’m pretty sure that stuff is reserved for crazy, obsessive bloggers-

and we all know I’m not one of those.

So- I’m going on a comment fast. Yep. I’m going to close comments on my blog until I can finally give back to you all the encouragement you’ve given to me.

The diagnosis of this comment fast isn’t looking good. It’s a pretty bad case of lackoftheinternet, and I’m afraid treatment may last 4-6 weeks. It all depends on how quickly we can get moved in and get the internet set up at our own house.

Wait.

You guys are totally confused, aren’t you?

Let me explain.

We’re currently living with my in-laws.

Uh, and yes, I have had numerous blogable moments I’ve been itching to share but can’t due to the freaking 1984 Commodore.

Anyway- back to the matter at hand.

Living with the in-laws.

We’re staying with them until we can close on our house- which is still a few weeks away.

Aside from the lack of internet capabilities, living with the in-laws comes with a whole host of, er, other things.

Plus we have the dogs which just adds to the chaos. I swear, if Boz pees on the carpet one more time I’m going to turn him into a rug!

Ha ha, I totally just pictured that. Although, Boz wouldn’t be a good rug because he’s so small. Perhaps he’d make a better hat? Like Davy Crockett style. Yeah! That’s it.

Anyway…

my comment fast.

I’m so sorry, guys, for totally sucking at posting and commenting. It’s really bothered me! The funny thing is that most of you don’t even care, but for some reason I have come to take my blog so personally and seriously. Perhaps because it was such a huge piece in my Kuwait life. It was the thing that connected me to life back home.

So that’s it. I’m a serious blog nerd. I really hope to be able to post more than once a week to, because, well, posting once a week is totally pathetic!

Oh- and did I mention my new company blocks everything.

Yes-

E-VER-Y-THING.

Sigh.

Oh- new company.

New job.

Started Monday.

I guess I ought to talk about that, right? After all- it was all the love and support I got from you guys Monday that led me to start my comment fast!

I really think I’m going to love it there. I think I’m going to love my boss, and the people I work directly with seem good too.

Can I just tell you guys how much I hate being new!?

Seriously- I hate it.

I hate not knowing everything. I hate being utterly lost and confused.

Alright- I’m not utterly lost and confused (because that would be something like Alice in Wonderland where I’m following a broom along a red, chalky road), but I do feel a little out of sorts.

Almost everything I did at my old job is done here- but it’s all done differently (if that makes any sense). I’m just ready to have it all down and be comfortable. I hate being unsure of what I’m doing.

I told Will I don’t feel like George Cotanza (you know, when he gets some big shot job with the Yankees and has absolutely no clue what he’s doing), but I still feel like I’m a little lost. Sigh, I guess that’s just being new though.

All-in-all, I really think I’m going to like it there. It just seems like a step forward for me, which is always a good thing.

What else can I chat about?

The house!

I touched on it earlier, but guys- I’m so excited about moving in having our own house! I’ve been trying to think about the house in my mind, picturing where I would put everything and how I would decorate it. It’s got me feeling a little overwhelmed. I’m not really great with those things. Nonetheless I’m still very excited. I wish I would have taken pictures, because I’m starting to forget some of the details. I’ll definitely be sure to take and post a ton in the next month-say it with me, class- “When we get the internet at our house.”

... what else…

P is officially a graduate. I was sad that I couldn’t go to her graduation. She was gorgeous as always. Oh- and I think she’s going to come visit me next month! I really hope she is, anyway (like the guilt trip I’m placing on you, P?). I have a ton of decorating fun things planned for her stay. Plus, Will is going to teach her how to drive and she’s going to try to get her license.

License.

Oh my gosh!

I haven’t even told you the news.

I’m officially a soccer mom.

Not a good soccer mom either.

A 1990s soccer mom.

Oh guys- this subject totally deserves a post of its own, where it can shamefully be displayed all alone.

I am the proud borrower of a 1997 purple mini van.

Yes, please, just stick a pre-schooler in my lap and a white picket fence in my yard.

It’s a whole long story that I’m too tired to share right now, but to sum it up- we’re borrowing my parent’s old mini van for a while.

Ugh.

The Loser Cruiser.

I guess I ought to be thankful- and I am- but seriously? It still makes me cringe.

Ha- although, I’ve been singing that country song, “One Hot Mama.” It makes me laugh.

It will totally come in handy when you guys come visit me for our decorating party this fall! We’ll all load up in the mini and go to Sonic for shakes.

Or I could just cut up some orange slices and Capri Suns and we could hang out in the yard.

Because that’s the quintessential soccer mom snack, right?

See all the fun you guys have been missing?

I think that’s all I can pollute the internet with today.

I really miss talking to you guys, and hopefully my life will become normal in the next month. I would totally give you guys my new phone number but:

1. I don’t want 54 year old pyschos in tight white hanes t-shirts and hole-y boxers calling me at 1 in the morning.

2. I got a super tiny text messaging plan because Will doesn’t think I need the big plan- and let’s face it- I totally do.

Anyway, since I can’t do that, we’ll just have to stick with this for now. I really do look forward to catching up with you guys in the coming weeks, posting pictures of our new house, getting the internet at home, and HAVING OUR OWN HOME.

All in good time. All in good time.

<3

Tomorrow is the first day at my new job.

The job that brought us half way around the world.

(yeah, no pressure, right)

I seriously feel the need to throw up all over myself

and then cry

and then maybe vomit some more.

I hate new things. I am so nervous, and- as previously stated- I have this deep rooted desire to relentlessy blow into a paper bag,

and then puke all over my brand new black shiny heels.

Well- scratch the shoe pukage.

But seriously- I’m that knoted up.

Why can’t I work with you guys!?!

Uh- probably because output would be minimal.

Yeah, that’s why I have to go to a real job I guess.

Say a prayer for me. It would totally suck to lose my Kashi Go Lean Crunch all over my new boss’ desk.

(ew sidenote: how gross would it be to vomit Kashi!? And then multiply the Awful Factor by about 135 because of the fact that you did it on a desk. That belongs to your boss. Oh guys- I’m totally not making myself feel better.)

Alright, so here I go. Entering the workforce in America.

Off to work…

Oh and PS- you’ll never guess in a million years what happened.

We got the house.

Yes.

THE House.

Yep- remember in my last post how I said it was going to haunt the other buyers? Uh, well it must have. We got it. Long story. Hopefully I’ll get to share it with you guys soon. I’m so excited though! More to come…

Oh and PPS- I totally started commenting on blogs this weekend! Yay me! I have about 5 million I still need to catch up with, but hey. Baby steps.

<3

We lost the house.

All because of The Realtor.

I get so angry even thinking about her. This woman literally cost us a house. A HOUSE!

My heart is sad. In fact, up until last night I thought I’d be okay if I found out it didn’t go our way.

I was wrong.

I cried and told Will how I imagine us living in that house. How that house seemed to represent so much more than just being a shell to live in. It was like our new start.

I forgot to tell you guys the coolest part too- it was 2 doors down from Will’s old youth minister and mentor. How cool, right?

It just seemed so perfect, like such a “God thing,” so it was such a blow when we got this news yesterday.

So, today we’re entering the world of apartments, which I hate.

It’s like we took this giant step forward to move home, but are taking 5 steps back now.

I dread the thought of moving into an apartment and then a year down the road moving out. I hate moving.

I loathe moving.

So- that’s the update. We’ll be apartment dwellers by the end of this week (hopefully), and I feel so sad. Why would God allow this all to seem to go so smoothly until the end? It all just seemed so perfect.What a bummer. I just don’t understand.

I’m off for now. Again (for the 33rd time), I’m so very sorry for not commenting lately. I really hope to have real some computer time in the coming weeks. I promise to catch up with you guys. I miss “talking.”

Wish us luck…

Have you ever felt as though someone reached through your skull all the way to your brain, yanked it out, violently and repeatedly slammed it on a metal desk, and then plopped it right back in your head?

My brain? Yeah, it’s totally been beat against a desk. In fact, I think brain is dripping down my neck.

Yuck.

Beaten brain.

By a woman called The Realtor.

Hmm… The Realtor needs a name. A nickname. I’ll let you guys come up with a name for this lady. As it stands, all of my names aren’t very appropriate.

Well, I take that back. They’re VERY appropriate, but they may offend you guys.

It’s amazing how many naughty words you can string together to make a complete sentence.

Yeah- like I said- we’ll let you decide.

How do I even tell this story so that it makes total sense and doesn’t get my blood pressure sky high?

I don’t think it can be done.

I’ll try my best. Here’s my story.

(insert hazy dream sequence)

Will and I found a house. A beautiful house. A house that welcomed me with open arms. A house the almost literally hugged me. It might as well have said, “Brittny, please stay here tonight. I have this great whirlpool tub. I’ll dim the lights, feed you something from my wonderful fridge, and we’ll see where the night takes us.”

Yes- this house totally seduced me.

In a welcoming, friendly, house-y sort of way, of course.

Anyway- I fell in love. Will liked it a lot too.

The trouble is that we got a MORON for a realtor. We thought she was just scatterbrained.

I could have dealt with scatterbrained.

She wasn’t just scatterbrained.

It was more, far more than that.

Here’s how it went down.

The day after we found “the” house, we had Will’s parents drive all the way to meet us and take a look at it too. Our lady was 20 minutes late to our appointment because she “lost track of time.”

We decided to make an offer that day (Friday). After we had made an offer we had found out someone else had an offer in too- contingent on them selling their own house. Um- why didn’t our lady call and find this information out before we took time to draw up papers!? Oh- and when we made this offer our contract was wrought with mistakes. She had to draw up the papers 3 different times. Yeah- she’s a bright one.

From the time we had made an offer, the sellers had 24 hours to counter. We hadn’t heard from her when the 24 hours hit, so we had to track down our realtor to find out if we had received a counter. We did.

We called our realtor back 15 minutes later and accepted counter. From that point (3:15 on Saturday) the other buyers SHOULD have had 24 hours to get a bridge loan and secure the house. The good thing for us is that this was all happening on a weekend and it would have been nearly impossible for them to get anything done and secured by 3:15 Sunday.

Well Sunday afternoon rolled around and we still hadn’t heard from The Realtor. Will decided to call her at 5:00. She said she’d call the other realtor and call us right back on the status. She had simply “lost track of time.”

She called back only to say that that other realtor never got her call, and that we had just then and now we accepted the counter offer and the other people had 24 hours from Sunday at 5 pm to get a loan!

Meaning they have this whole business day!

As it turned out The Realtor HAD CALLED THE WRONG PERSON AND LEFT A MESSAGE telling them we accepted the counter offer.

Her whole freaking job is to make calls, follow up, get a commission, SELL HOUSES etc. and she simply called the wrong freaking person, cost us 24 hours, and quite literally may cost us this house all because of her stupidity.

As you can imagine, we’re furious. If things don’t go our way at 5 today, and these people get this loan, and we lose this house- we will be filing a complaint with the board of realtors about the way she did business the entire time she worked with us.

Oh guys, this totally blows.

I know if it’s God’s will to have this house, we will have it. However, it’s so hard not to get angry at the fact that a freaking miss-dial may be the thing that cost us the house. We should have had that house yesterday afternoon, and now we might lose it because of The Realtor.

Welcome home, right? Ha.

My only hope is that if these people do in fact get this house, the house-my house- will come to life and haunt them until they leave.

I know this story probably doesn’t sound as bad as it seems, but from my point it does. It totally does.

If we don’t get this house it’s back to the drawing board. We’re going to get an apartment instead, so tomorrow may be filled with apartment shopping. So.much.fun.HA.

So say a prayer. I want God’s will to prevail, even if it means I don’t get “the” house. But guys- I really do want it. <3

Oh- and I’m totally taking suggestions for Realtor names.

Hopefully good news to come…

<3

Alright so I’m here, back, and closer than ever to my favorite blog friends.

It still feels weird knowing that this isn’t a vacation, that it’s the real thing and I’m here to stay.

As soon as I got off the plane I remembered two things:

1. How much I hate humidity.

2. How much I love the smell of green grass.

Strange how in the grand scheme of life those two things are the first that I thought about as soon as I arrived back to the States.

Things have been hectic thus far- oh and the pups have major seperation anxiety. How fun is that!?

not.

We met with the bank yesterday to see what exactly we could afford as we started to house hunt, and tomorrow the house hunt begins. I’m excited but also stressed because we don’t have long to find a place and get settled. We just figured with the way the market is right now, a house was the way to go.

I feel like I have so much more I want to tell you guys, but Will would kill me if he knew I was on here talking to my “internet friends,” so I should go now. Just wanted to say hello from the States. I hope now that I’m back we can finally have that nestie reunion we’ve been talking about.

Oh, and I’ve turned comments off on this post because I totally suck and have been an awful internet friend this month and should be banished never to use the internet again I haven’t been able to get online much and have lots of reading to catch up on.

Love you guys. Thank you so much for you encouragment and support. I’m so lucky to “know” you guys.

The house hunt begins…

My Last Full Day in Kuwait

We got up relatively early yesterday.

I showered, got ready, ate toast with P, and hung around my parent’s house. Around 9:45 my mom dropped me and P off at The Avenues so we could spend some gift cards. Our mission was to find me work clothes and P a gold bracelet to wear to prom.

H&M was the first stop where I attempted to do damage- only I couldn’t find much. I found one dress for 5 KD, but when I tried to pay for it with my 10 KD gift card they totally freaked out. Apparently you can’t just use part of a gift card in this country- it’s all or nothing. I bantered back and forth, got mad, and left. Repeat the above incident with the next 2 stores and my frustration level was through the roof. We did some more browsing and I began to get discouraged. I couldn’t find anything.

We finally stopped in Debenham’s and I found so many beautiful outfits. I found a dress, a top, a swimsuit, and a ring for 50 KD (the exact amount of my gift cards). I went to pay, expecting no trouble this time, only to have the assistant manager come to me and ask where I got these gift cards. I told him I got them as a gift. He excused himself for a moment and then came back to tell me I couldn’t use the cards because there was no issuing store written on the back. Apparently it made it look like I had stolen the gift cards.

At this point I was livid. “I can’t use these gift cards because someone wasn’t efficient at their job? I might as well have lit 50 KD on fire!”

“Come back tomorrow madam and we will try to track down where this code was issued.”

“I’m flying out tomorrow.”

“No- just come back tomorrow, no worries.”

“I’m flying OUT tomorrow. I’m not coming back.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah- so am I!”

P and I took off- and I was extremely pissed from that point on. Oh the fun of living in Kuwait. Nothing is ever easy.

We decided it was time for lunch after the whole gift card fiasco. P decided it was time to expand my tastes, so it was Indian food at Asha’s. I wasn’t ready for curry, so I stuck with something fairly simple and really liked it. Don’t ask me what it was, though. Something with cottage cheese and mustard and vegetables- all with a fancy Hindi title of course. We talked about college, and what my life will be like at home. We talked about travel and food, and all the reasons I shouldn’t move to America.

After Asha’s we did some more browsing, stopped at a pharmacy, and headed home. We didn’t do too much after that. Will and my dad came home from our apartment with the last of the stuff we planned to ship. We just lounged around the house for a few hours and looked for houses Will and I could buy back home. After while, my mom decided to take me back to the mall so I could get the clothes I had tried to buy earlier. She paid, and assured me she would get the whole gift card thing settled once I left. I told her to use them to buy herself something nice, since she had just purchased clothes for me. I hope she does.

By then it was time for dinner. We decided to do Casper and Gambini’s one last time for good measure. I’m glad we did.

Streams of Consciousness

After dinner, we just sat around the house. P and I looked at stuff online- I think she was trying to cheer me up. My disposition began to decline as the evening continued. My heart began to feel heavy, and after 3 weeks of rushing and stressing and worrying, it finally began to sink in that this was my last night in Kuwait. That my time was done and I was going to have to go back to a place that, in all honesty, I don’t want to go. P tried so hard to be positive and tell me all the great and wonderful things I had to look forward to, yet none of them seemed to make me stop hurting.

P seems to be the only person that gets that. Everyone else thinks I’m crazy for feeling the way I do- I mean- why wouldn’t I want to go back home? As P and I discussed last night, it’s because I have two “homes” now. So many people don’t understand that.

I dread the thought of returning to a place where minds are so closed. Where life doesn’t exist anywhere else outside of people’s tiny fenced in houses. Where people don’t have entirely different lives across an ocean that seems to grow smaller as each year passes. The truth is that there is this huge sky out there that envelops this whole big world that goes on when we’re sleeping or working or eating. Far bigger than those backyard fences.

I know I’m being totally stereotypical. I realize so many people value and realize life outside of their own egocentric happenings. The trouble is that where I’m going, life is so small. Minds are so closed. I’m so different than I was 3 years ago, so much better, and I dread returning to a place and it being just like it was when I left it. Will likes that. I guess that’s what makes it “home.” He’s so lucky, and since I’m being honest with you guys, I envy his excitement. Why can’t I just be happy and excited about this change?

One reason is that I don’t handle change well. At all. Life here is what I know now. It’s normal and comfortable. I’m scared to move home. The other reason is that this all happened so fast. We were supposed to have a “transition out plan” where I could prepare myself to leave. Where I could get myself ready for all these things I’m feeling right now. Also- moving wasn’t supposed to be hard! I always knew there would be an end date to our time here, but it seemed so far away, and I always imagined it being an easy tie to cut. Another thing is that I’ve been around my family my entire life. They’ve always been near, and now they’re a once a year trip away. I know people live their lives like this all the time, but again, I always imagined them being close. The thought of them being so far away brings tears to my eyes.

If I told you I was ready to start this new chapter in my life, I’d be lying. I’m ready because I know, without a doubt, it’s God’s will for us to return to the states. However, although I know that in my soul, the rest of me seems to be in argument. Obedience isn’t always easy, right? Why couldn’t I have an easy lesson!? This has been the biggest test and move of faith in my entire life, and certainly the most painful thus far. I just want things to be like they were before. They didn’t hurt then.

My heart seems so full of emotions but for some reason I can’t verbalize how I feel. So- I won’t continue to try. I just wanted to write so (hopefully) 3 more years from now I’ll look back, laugh at myself, and say, “Oh Brittny, if you only knew how life was going to turn out!”

I hope that’s what happens.

So I bid this amazing adventurous chapter in my life farewell and trade it in for the slow lane. There are so many things I won’t miss about Kuwait, but far more that I will. This place has made me a much better person, and I’m so thankful for my time here. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I know I’ll be okay. I just wish it didn’t hurt to walk away.

<3

See you in America…